Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Bad memories of my mom making me act bad to her

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by avatar anonymousse 7 months ago.

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  • #836688 Reply

    My mom used to get drunk and scream a bunch of awful things to me when she was in a toxic relationship with her boyfriend at the time. Now that it’s over, I find myself lashing out at her and get irritated easily, even when she’s being nice. I only act like this to her. I’m going to be a senior next year so I’ll move out, and I was wondering if I will get better once she’s out of my life. Or will I always be this cruel? Will it begin to leak into other peoples lives when she’s not there to take it out on? I really want to know. I don’t want this to continue. I want it to end. So, do you think I will stop being this way once I move out?

    #836689 Reply

    Oh honey, I feel where you are coming from. I am in my 30’s and my mom and I have had a toxic relationship for years. Up until a couple years ago I never thought we could be civil. Please PLEASE get into therapy asap. My mom has said unforgivable things to me because she is manic and I was awful back because I was in pain and reactive. If she is still like this please set very clear boundaries with her and talk with someone about how to process the anger and pain you feel. I wish I had done it sooner, my mom and I are OK now as long as we are both conscious of our words and actions. Yes, it will bleed into everything, that kind of anger eats at your soul. Moving out won’t fix it, you need to process it and move on and forgive her. forgiveness with be the hardest.

    #836690 Reply

    Leaving home isn’t a cure-all, but it is a necessary first step. Therapy is a must, but distance from her mother will be an excellent strategy. Learning how to deal with her mother will come much later, if it comes at all. If her mother has hurt her badly and she is addicted to that anger, then she needs to keep as great a distance as possible and not letter either her mother or her anger at her mother pollute the rest of her life and relationships.

    #836693 Reply

    Please consider checking out Al-Anon and resources for Adult Children of Alcoholics – they know what you’re going through and can help you with coping strategies, anger management strategies and other support.

    You are not alone. There are people that understand what you’ve been through and they are working to make their lives better.

    Take care of yourself first. You may lash out at others, your past is not an excuse, so learn how to apologize and work on doing better.

    #836710 Reply

    Your mother was verbally abusive to you, and it hasn’t really been resolved. Has she sincerely apologized?

    You should try and speak to your counselor at school or ask your mom to pay for it. I’m so sorry. Your mother is the one person you’d never expect to treat you that way. It’s not fair and not what you deserve. I believe your anger is probably focused on her, but it wouldn’t hurt to speak to a counselor or therapist now.

    #836711 Reply

    Go to Adult Children of Alcoholics. What you think is the problem (“I’m too critical”) ain’t the problem. Alcoholism is very damaging, and you should get some awareness of how it has already affected you.

    #836713 Reply

    She’s not an adult, though. She’s a junior in high school.

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