- June 18, 2019 at 6:08 am #845611
I’m having issues with a fellow mum at the school gate. She and I are very different- she’s very outgoing and I’m very shy, but our children have become friends.
There are several reasons she makes me feel deeply uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone, but I’m really trying not to be rude or unfriendly. She’s a very heavy drinker and is often loudly complaining about having a hangover, joking about drink driving/ speeding, plus she keeps making references to our children (7 years old, one boy, one girl) as boyfriend and girlfriend, joking about them snogging behind the bike sheds, she also swears a lot and gets quite shouty to the kids – lots of things that make me feel uncomfortable. She is being extremely pushy about doing a play date with my child but I just don’t trust her so have made a string of excuses – she spent weeks refusing to take no for an answer – phoning me, texting, hounding me at the school gate – the more I say no the more she pushes the issue.
Since she did finally take the hint, now she’s completely frozen me out – and seems to have palled up with other mums to turn against me – they turn their backs and ignore me now when we used to chat at school pickups – it sounds ridiculous since we are all adults – but I only have my child’s interest at heart. Not sure whether there is anything I can do to make things easier with other mums?June 18, 2019 at 6:30 am #845612
Everything you mentioned except the drinking while intoxicated is annoying behavior. The driving and drinking is the primary issue here. You have done the right thing and on a positive note shes taken the hint, right? Id rather have the parents turn on me then contiune to have someone annoying me. If your daughter makes friends with other kids it is an oppurtunity to try and get to know the other parents and if the other parents ask about this particular mom you can rightfully defend yourself by stating a fact that she was open about drinking and driving and your not okay with that. You might run into this with another parent. She isnt your type of person anyway and thats okay.June 18, 2019 at 6:42 am #845613
I guess I don’t see what it would have hurt to have a play date with her? It sounds like she wanted you to be included in the play date, so you would have been around to supervise. It’s not like your kid was really going to be in danger. I don’t buy that you only had your kid’s interest at heart. This was a chance for him to hang out with his friend, but you feel uncomfortable around his mom and didn’t want to be around someone who annoys you. You also could have suggested that she send her kid to your house for a play date so the kids could play and you wouldn’t have to deal with the annoying mom. There were lots of ways you could have handled this that wouldn’t have endangered your child or alienated this woman. You say you were “really trying not to be rude or unfriendly,” but that’s exactly what you were to this woman, because she’s different from you and someone who out of your comfort zone.
At this point, I’m not sure there’s much you can do to ingratiate yourself with the other moms, if they’re siding with the annoying mother. Maybe you could extend an olive branch to her, apologize for being flaky before, and ask if she’d like to come over with her child for a play date. But I wouldn’t be shocked if she turns down the invite. You were rude and unfriendly to her and now you’re dealing with the consequences, unfortunately.
Sometimes being a parent means spending time with people we wouldn’t have chosen to spend our time with. Sure, it can be annoying, but it doesn’t kill you. And if it means your kids get to foster their relationships with their friends a little more, it’s a sacrifice that’s worth it.June 18, 2019 at 7:00 am #845616
Actually no, I wasn’t invited along – she made that very clear – plus she lives quite far from the school and I don’t drive, so she would be responsible for bringing them to and from her house. What I didn’t mention as I was trying not to make the post too long, is that I did offer several times that we meet together somewhere local and get to know each other, but she was determined to do things her way or not at all – and got very huffy with me when I suggested alternatives.June 18, 2019 at 7:30 am #845617
Yeah, with that new info, it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot you can do. The good news is, people like this usually wear everyone down one by one and find themselves ostracized eventually. Do you initiate conversation with the other moms? Usually the best way to combat someone trash-talking you is to just be extremely normal and your usual friendly self (thus revealing the other person as the pot stirrer). Surely some if not all have noticed her boorish behavior, and surely some are as unimpressed as you are. I would just continuing to show up and be aggressively normal.June 18, 2019 at 12:09 pm #845641
if the other mom’s turned on you just because you wouldn’t do a play date do you even care if they are giving you the cold shoulder? they sound so immature….just because your kids are friends at school does not mean you are obligated to have play dates outside of school….you don’t want your child around an obnoxious drunk….i say good for you….hold your head up high and continue to set a good example for your childJune 18, 2019 at 1:54 pm #845654
Ah, ok, with the additional info it just sounds like annoying mom is… well, very annoying. and if the other moms have really turned on you, that’s nuts, and I think you should care what they think of you. Does it matter at all? I get that it’s uncomfortable to feel alienated, but this will blow over, and as long as it is trickling down to your kid, don’t give it another thought. Focus on your friendships away from these people and accept that these years are just a short window in your life and then you, hopefully, will have even less to do with these people than you do now (especially once your kid/s are old enough to commute on their own and manage their own social lives without you).June 18, 2019 at 5:37 pm #845686
The other moms will get tired of her. She’ll pressure them the way she did you and brag about being drunk and talk about driving drunk and they won’t want much to do with her either and if they do you wouldn’t be a good fit with them anyway. You’ve done well. You didn’t let someone push you beyond your boundaries and you kept your kid safe. Good job!June 18, 2019 at 9:33 pm #845694
Just pretend not to notice. Be exceedingly normal and nice. Ignore the noise.