Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Best friend and boyfriend

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Best friend and boyfriend

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 14 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1094032 Reply
    Shay
    Guest

    I’ve been with my boyfriend Myles for 4 months now and it’s been a bitter sweet experience. Obviously with him being single he had a following of girls on social media that I didn’t appreciate once we became official. About a month in the relationship I told him it bothered me and he cleaned out his social media by removing girls who weren’t his friends and posted pictures that I found disrespectful. A couple of weeks later he sent me a picture of a girl by mistake and we had a huge argument about it. I told him that I didn’t appreciate him lusting after girls on social media because it was hurtful. He insisted that he was just messing around with his friends and that the picture wasn’t supposed to be sent to me but that he was glad it happened so he could be accountable for the tendencies he had prior to being in a relationship. He proceeded to explain that this girl didn’t even live in the same state and that he would never cheat on me and that he was just messing around with his friends. It had been very difficult for me to trust him after that but I decided to give it another chance and forgave him for it. He’s brought me around to meet his family on Father’s Day and Fourth of July. My best friend isn’t too sure about him ever since I told her about the incident and doesn’t want him around. She recently invited me to a gathering and didn’t include Myles in the invitation and it broke my heart because I care about both of them very much. So I decided last night to ask Myles to stop by my house and speak on the matter but what he didn’t know is I wanted to know if my best friend’s gut feeling is actually something I shouldn’t take lightly. I told Myles that it made me question of relationship that my best friend didn’t like him because of the incident and he said he didn’t want my best friend dictate our relationship. That is when I asked to go through his phone just to have a peace of mind and not be concerned. He seemed kind of hesitant but he gave me the phone and I see that he messaged a girl on Instagram. This girl posted about a club review and asked which club would be better and Myles responded. He said him and his friends we’re thinking about going to one of those clubs for one of his friend’s birthday. He then proceeded to invite her and said “you should come with us”. I told Myles that was extremely disrespectful because I told him I don’t like to club and that I wasn’t going to go with him and he was aware of that and said he wouldn’t go if I didn’t. He explained to me that he didn’t think much of it and just messaged the girl for fun and that he wasn’t planning on following up with her and that she was just a friend he had from the past. He said they hanged out a couple of times but they never slept together. I broke up with him and told him he knew that was wrong and that he was proving my best friend right. He proceeded to apologize and tell me he introduced me to his family formally and he had plans of proposing soon. He told me to go through his browser and it showed the ring he was looking at. It broke my heart because I don’t want to continue the relationship and continue to feel worried of what his true intentions are towards me. He kept asking me to give him another chance and I told him I already had given him more than one to clean up his act on social media and I keep getting these red flags. He wanted to cry and I told him to stop crying in order to manipulate me because it wasn’t going to work. He started holding back tears and his voice was cracking while he tried to explain to me how that girl didn’t love him and he didn’t love her. That he knows it was wrong and he wasn’t trying to make excuses but that he wanted one more chance. He suggested deleting Instagram or giving me his password and I just Walked always. He tried to catch up to me but I rushed into my house. This morning I get a text of him asking me to keep him in my prayers because he’s not doing well with the breakup. I didn’t respond, because I told him it was officially over. I feel very hurt because I really do love him and I wanted this relationship to work but I don’t want to make the wrong choice and continue in a relationship where he’s going to hurt me. Any advice helps because I can’t go to my best friend right now. I just don’t want to hear “I told you so”.

    #1094033 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    You’re not going to want to hear this OP but you’re giving off some pretty decent red flags here as well. Making him delete women off instagram, telling him that you don’t want to go to the club therefore he can’t go to the club and deciding your boyfriend had to answer for your best friend’s feeling about him are all suoer controlling and possessive traits. I wouldn’t want to date you, especially not with all this going on in only 4 months.

    Now that said Myles doesn’t sound like a catch either and you did the right thing in dumping him (who proposes that quickly?!) but if you want a good quality man in the future you’re going to have to work on yourself as well. Nobody who is confident and self assured is going to put up with your level of control.

    #1094037 Reply
    Shay
    Guest

    We had been dating for 6 months prior to being exclusive. We have been exclusive for 4 months.I appreciate your I input, I know I have things to work on as well but one thing I can say is I did my best to make him feel secure. It’s just unfortunate that he could not do that for me.

    #1094038 Reply
    Karebear1813
    Participant

    I get that you didn’t want a boyfriend following women that might come across as him questionably objectifying women but at the same time, he is allowed to have female friends and he should be able to look, just not acting inappropriately while doing so. After reading your post, I cant help but assume you made him delete any and all women… YIKES! You sound very insecure, jealous, and controlling. You are a massive red flag and need to do some reflecting on why you are this way.

    #1094040 Reply
    Shay
    Guest

    I’m confused? Are the things he did not inconsiderate and disrespectful. I know I’m not crazy for wanting security and respect.

    #1094044 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    Your demands were equally inconsiderate and disrespectful. Not to mention insanely controlling. Alarmingly so.

    A person being friends on social media with people of the sex that they find attractive to is NOT disrespectful.

    It’s normal.

    Deal with it. No, seriously. Grow up and deal with it.

    #1094046 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    PS —- It is NOT your boyfriend’s job to make you feel secure. If your insecurity is so profound that your boyfriend must forego all female friendships… well, then you simply are not emotionally mature enough to date. Period.

    #1094048 Reply
    Karebear1813
    Participant

    Making your man delete any and all women out of his life is not security or respect. It is a sign of control and abuse.

    You don’t trust him, yet he literally has not done anything for you to not.

    The worse thing he did that you made mention was accidently sending you a picture of a women ( assuming he doesn’t know her) that made you feel insecure and felt he was being lustful towards. The conversation should not have turned into an argument but rather a calm clear conversation about respecting women, yourself, and that you prefer a partner who isn’t openly messaging their friends with pictures that might seem to sexually objectifying a women. I can understand that and not wanting a partner who does that. That was the only inconsiderate thing.

    #1094050 Reply
    kath
    Guest

    Tell me this is not the same Shay with the pedo husband.

    #1094051 Reply
    FYI
    Guest

    ” … to ask Myles to stop by my house and speak on the matter.”

    WHAT matter?! You told him to delete stuff from his phone and he did it. How is it still a thing you need to discuss? For chrissakes, you controlled him sufficiently, but you’re still making him pay. For what? He did absolutely nothing wrong.

    It is NO ONE’s job to give you security and respect. Those are things you give yourself. Honestly, every time I hear someone talk about “respect,” it means they want to control others.

    But, the most important thing here — is this the same Shay who is allowing her daughter to be abused? Are you just making shit up, Shay? For attention?

    #1094080 Reply
    Helen
    Guest

    If your bf had written in about you my advice would have been to run from you. Everything you described is toxic & controlling. There’s nothing a partner can do to help your level of insecurity. That comes from you & only you can work on it. Even if your bf put on blinders, you’d worry that he was smelling attractive women.

    #1094093 Reply
    ron
    Guest

    If it’s officially over and the two of you aren’t communicating, then I don’t even understand what question you’re asking. Was your gf’s gut right? I don’t know — she certainly likes to stir the pot and she certainly succeeded in breaking you up with bf. Many reasons she would do that, apart from your bf being off: she wants more time with you, she loves drama, she was interested in your bf, she enjoys manipulating you.

    I agree with the other posters that you are controlling and that therapy would help. Also agree with your decision to break up. Trust is clearly shattered, so relationship is over. If he likes clubbing, and goes with friends, some in the group will be female. You don’t like to the point of refusing to go clubbing with him. For dating stage, that’s a fairly large incompatibility. You and he also have very different views on the appropriateness of opposite sex friendships and you have the unrealistic expectation that a young man in a relationship won’t notice attractive women.

    In the end, you have to realize that a SO will stay with you because he wants to stay with you, enjoys your company, and hopefully loves you. You can’t use snooping his electronics and a verbal chastity belt to force him to be faithful and stay. Only his wanting to do that can cause that to happen. Your super-controlling jealous tactics will drive him away.

    I’m sure he’s not the guy for you. I also have doubts about the gf.

    Figure out what you want in a guy. From what you write, you will have a limited pool to choose from and I suspect you will view most or all as ‘good guys’ without enough edge to interest you. You seem to have a great desire to tame a bad boy. Not even sure your ex was much of a bad boy.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 14 total)
Reply To: Best friend and boyfriend
Your information: