- This topic has 11 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 1 week ago by Betty.
September 20, 2020 at 8:22 am #962371worrierGuest
Hi whoever is out there, looking for advice!
My best friend (let’s call her L) has had a terrible past year, she was date raped on a night out and on another night was sexually assaulted. I am trying to support her but she was involved in an incident with a close male friend (let’s call him A) of hers where he cheated on his girlfriend with L. L told me she wished he didn’t have a girlfriend because she wanted to do more with him.
L was good friends with A’s girlfriend, so I encouraged L to tell the girlfriend. She didn’t want to, then fast forward a few months and A is making advances on L and sending nudes to her. Again I urged L to tell the girlfriend.
Now recently L was approached by a mutual friend of A and L over a concern that A might be cheating on his girlfriend. I am unsure of how this happened but L told the mutual friend about what happened with A but said that it was completely non-consensual and also that he head forced her to do drugs and drink too much that night (the morning after the incident L had been very amused at how ‘wasted’ she was and bragged about it, so it seemed to me she was a willingly participant in the drugs that night).
I would never want to accuse her of lying, but she has completely changed her story and I cannot understand how this has become the narrative.
The now ex-gf of A is traumatised and feels guilty about what happened as she was in the house at the time.
I don’t know what to do, L was very explosive any time I advised her to tell A’s girlfriend of his behaviour so I’m worried as to what might happen if I were to confront her about this.
I am worried about the damage I might do to her if I accuse her of this, but I know that her narrative has changed greatly and I’m not fully comfortable with the damage she has done to A’s reputation (he has lost his friends because of these allegations)September 20, 2020 at 8:52 am #962372
Wow. You need to distance yourself from this whole situation. By which I mean, stop making it your business. You were way out of line urging your friend to tell the guy’s girlfriend ANYTHING. Do you realize that not only was that not your place, it wasn’t good advice?
And now you’ve decided what did or didn’t happen to her, even though you didn’t see. You don’t get to decide what happened, not should you. And it’s absolutely possible for her to have been talking up how wasted she was AND for this guy to have gotten her fucked up so he could do whatever. Stop taking sides and trying to write the narrative and just… be a supportive friend. Just listen to her and be a caring human being. Why does this guy’s reputation matter to you at all? Why do you care what his gf knows or doesn’t know. Worry about yourself. Worry about your friend.September 20, 2020 at 8:55 am #962373
And can someone seriously please enlighten me as to why everything with the kids is “confront,” “accuse,” “confess,” etc. rather than just talk about shit? It’s reality TV, right? I came of age before reality TV and have only watched small amounts over the past 20 years, but do you all realize that you can actually just “talk to” someone about something? And “listen?”September 20, 2020 at 9:36 am #962374anonymousseParticipant
You do know that she could have consensually taken drugs- making her totally inebriated (legally unable to consent) and be assaulted, right?
She’s your friend. Support her, assume she is telling you the truth. It doesn’t sound like she’s called the local police or news channels, so why are you at all even concerned about his reputation?
Just be a friend to her. Stay out of it. Stop confronting people about things that aren’t your business. The truth will come out eventually.September 20, 2020 at 10:36 am #962376Ele4phantGuest
So here’s the thing about life – it can be a lot messier than they teach us in school.
Rape can be portrayed as this thing that devious guys do and it’s always very clear. In real life it can be a lot more muddy.
In real life it can play out a lot more like what you are describing. A woman may have feelings for a man. He may be a normal guy that has both good aspects and bad aspects. She may get heavily intoxicated around her crush. He may take advantage of that. That’s still rape, if she didn’t consent (which drunk people can’t), that’s still rape, even if she likes him, even if he’s a nice guy in many regards.
At the end of the day, your job is to support your friend. Listen to her, encourage her to talk to a professional (it sounds like she’s been assaulted multiple times?), and then maybe you need to think about how toxic this friend group is. Regardless of what happened, things are a mess. Otherwise you don’t need to, you shouldn’t, involve yourself anymore in this situation or intervene with others.
And I wouldn’t worry to much about this guy’s reputation. Infuriatingly, even when things are way more clear cut, many men still seem to come out unscathed.
Surely this guy isn’t going to get arrested, and plenty of people won’t believe your friend. He’ll be fine. He’s lost a girlfriend, but sounds like they had a bad relationship anyways.September 20, 2020 at 12:39 pm #962380bloodymediocrityParticipant
Many times, a victim of sexual assault isn’t totally aware that they were assaulted, especially when drugs or alcohol is involved. It can take months to process what happened. That could totally be the case here. It could also be the case that your friend loves drama. It could also be both.
The solution is the same either way – step back from this situation and don’t encourage meddling in other people’s relationships.
And don’t worry about the man’s reputation. He will be painfully ok.September 20, 2020 at 4:18 pm #962390golfer.galGuest
Is this the same writer who had a friend named A who was stalking his ex girlfriend, who fled the relationship after he’d become violent, and the LW was alllll up in their shit and defending the trashbag abuser while making the ex’s life absolute hell? The whole “let’s call him A” thing triggered my memory and this feels very similar. Either way, back way the hell away from this situation. This is solidly none of your business, you’ve been giving bad advice, and you do not get to decide whether L is lying about her assault. Like, you just don’t. Period. Doing that isn’t helping her and you need to give her the gift of letting her talk this out with people who believe her and can support her. That isn’t you.
I’ll add, if this is the LW with the history of friendship with the abusive A – get into therapy. Now. We told you then to get help and if you’re still doing this sort of thing and damaging people’s lives then you clearly didn’t listen.September 20, 2020 at 5:20 pm #962392
Not sure, but if you can find it, I could confirm or deny.September 20, 2020 at 5:43 pm #962394anonymousseParticipant
It’s really disturbing to me that you have determined what you believe the truth is, even though you weren’t there. A person can be having fun, flirting, liking another, wanting to sleep with them and all it takes is a moment of reconsidering and revoking consent.
This can be fun and fine, until they aren’t. That doesn’t make her a liar, or what happened not assault. If she was super wasted- she can not consent. And it does take time sometimes to look back and realize what happened. She could have been in denial.September 20, 2020 at 6:27 pm #962395golfer.galGuest
Kate, this is the thread. The writing style rang a bell for me, and the denying assault/judging assaulted women and treating them badly – despite being a “best friend”September 20, 2020 at 6:34 pm #962396
I see the similarity, but the ip addresses are totally different (different countries).September 23, 2020 at 10:33 am #962497BettyGuest
Victims of sexual assault don’t act like you think they would based on TV shows. It is very common to minimize what happened–I was wasted because I wanted to be! I liked the guy and would have done it if he had asked! It is very common for stories to change later as someone comes to grip with what happened. It doesn’t make someone a liar, it is human to want to be in control, especially of your own narrative. I recommend talking to your friend and asking how you can support them.