January 7, 2018 at 2:46 am #735123
Hello all, please help!
My best friend Sara is married to my husband’s best friend Tobin and they have been together almost 12 years and have an 8 year old child together
My husband and I have been together for almost 13 years with no kids, we are high school sweethearts and have known each other since middle school
We all used to live in the same city and we met them separately a few months before they started dating, we no longer all live in the same city but we try to visit each other every chance we get, the guys talk every week and us girls talk or text everyday, we are family, we all know each other’s parents and spend holidays together and are all just so close!
So our friends have been having relationship problems for awhile now but even more so over the last few months, my best friends husband has been treating her really bad out of nowhere and has been really distant and not wanted much to do with her, when he isn’t lashing out! He has also been depressed lately with life just getting him down, but recently he told her he wants some space and doesn’t think he wants to be with her anymore, but then changes his mind and tells her he wants everything to work
So she’s devastated and worried that he’s cheating on her with a mutual friend whose been acting really shady lately, she’s doing everything she can to keep her family together and has been begging him not to break up their family for nothing and is insisting that they can get through this, she said the only thing she wouldn’t be able to get past is if he cheated, so she keeps asking my advice and
I’ve explained how horrible depression is (I suffer with it) and that her just doing everything she can to be there and support him through it will hopefully help tremendously, well…
I was talking to my husband about how much I hate that they are going through this and I said to my husband “I know Tobin can be a jerk but he’s just depressed, he would never cheat on her right?” My husband was silent, he didn’t know how to respond, right then I knew that Tobin had cheated, I asked him to tell me what he knew but I. Wasn’t. prepared.
He didn’t know if he was currently cheating but told me that Tobin had been having an afair with Sara’s mother, her parents are still married, her mom, someone she’s so close to, when they were living with them at the time when their child was a toddler!!! I just broke down and started crying! Sara is like my soulmate, my sister! And I love her mom and dad, now I hate her mom and now I hate Tobin, how could they do this to her? Sara is literally one of the kindest, amazing, and beautiful souls I’ve met inside and out! She’s been torturing herself for weeks now trying to make things better and he has just been pulling her back and forth, so I’m pretty convinced that has been cheating with their mutual friend anyways
But now I have this huge burden of information that I don’t know what to do with! If it was me then I would want to know, she deserves better than that and if he’s ready to call it quits on their marriage then why can’t he just be honest with her so she can move on, I would just want to know so I could leave and never look back even though my husband is my entire world we don’t have children so I don’t know how hard it really would be to leave in a situation such as theirs
I’ve known for a few days and it’s eating me alive, above all else I just can’t believe her mom would do that to her or her dad! Tobin and Sara are both really attractive people and Sara’s mom is ok for her age, but really? Why break that kind of trust and love over sex? My husband and I are both really loyal people and so is Sara, and I thought Tobin was too, I just don’t get it!!! It’s even making me question my own relationship which is super solid, but who knows? Sara thinks hers is super solid too and turns out that’s the furthest thing from the truth!
I feel like if this were to be known it would not only completely destroy Sara but so many people’s lives, their child, Sara’s parents, her whole family, my husband and Tobin’s trust, me and Sara possibly (since I would be the messenger), and possibly mine and my husband’s trust, but I also feel like if she ever found out through other means, and knew that I knew, then she would never speak to me again! I feel like I’m betraying her by not telling her! So yeah I wish my husband would’ve never told me now! And he doesn’t want me to say anything!
On one end I feel like I should keep my mouth shut and let life just take it’s coarse because it seems like Tobin’s on a downward spiral anyways and will sink his own ship most likely, but I also feel like a bad friend for not telling her and having her back, especially when she’s confiding in me and asking advice on stuff that I have info to, and over the last few weeks she’s finally fed up and also wanting to be done with the marriage but not split up their family when she feels like she doesn’t have enough reason to
She has plenty reason to leave though and just doesn’t know it!!! I hate seeing someone I deeply care about in such a crappy situation and putting themselves through torture for someone who obviously has no respect for them!
I just don’t know what to do! Advice please!? Sorry this was a rambled mess! I just needed to get all if this off of my chest! Thanks!
Much love, ShannaJanuary 7, 2018 at 3:29 am #735124
Ok. You stay out of this. Do not tell her. This is a vipers nest & you will get bitten & as will all in it. This involves her mom etc. This news will bring her entire family down. No. I utterly get why you want to tell her, but no. Now when she finds out about( not by you) about the mutual friend affair, then comfort her etc. You can tell her to trust her instincts & that a marriage takes two to make it work, but if he’s not willing to put the work in( obviously isn’t) then perhaps it’s time to cut her losses. Plus it’s better to co parent well then divorce bitterly & then fight over etc, as the children suffer. But absolutely do not get involved in the truth. Be polite to her mom also. Do not start giving her the obvious cold shoulder. Also encourage your friend to get hobbies or new work related qualifications etc. This about building confidence in herself & she might need to be a better candidate for a job in the near future.
The fact that she hasn’t taken action when it’s practicially screaming loud and clear in her face that the marriage is in trouble, is how you know that she doesn’t want to know.
Oh & don’t ask to know things if you can’t handle the truth.January 7, 2018 at 3:58 am #735125
Also unless your own husband is displaying all the behaviors your friend husband is, then your own marriage is fine.January 7, 2018 at 4:57 am #735129
Thanks for replying, this is exactly what I needed to hear, yeah I was definitely not prepared to handle THAT truth, lesson learned, believe it or not I’m normally the one my friends and family come to for advice and guidance because I’m truthfully and unbiased and tend to call it like I see it, but yeah I see how truthfulness in a situation like this will benefit no one! It’s just been hard for me to watch a beautiful soul suffer especially when they don’t have all the info they need to make the best decision for their own life, I guess all I can really do now is be that shoulder to cry on when everything eventually implodes! Yep, no cold shoulder for her mom or husband, I will be calm, cool, and collected, on the surface anyways!!! And yeah so far I do believe my husband’s one of the good ones!
Just getting this all out there, when I really don’t have anyone to go to about all this, has already helped put my mind at ease and given me a much clearer perspective one things! Thanks a bunch Heatherly!
-ShannaJanuary 7, 2018 at 5:13 am #735130
And if she ever finds out the whole truth from another source ( probably her husband trying to hurt her- it’d be a stupid move though as then the divorce & court battles over children will get truly ugly or she comes across evidence of it), still don’t tell her you knew. Just comfort her and say how shocked you are (I mean it is shocking, so not entirely a lie). Also make sure you husband doesn’t spill to his friend that you know.
All the best.January 7, 2018 at 5:35 am #735132
Yeah for sure! ThanksJanuary 7, 2018 at 6:56 am #735134
She doesn’t have *no idea,* she actually thinks he may be cheating now, you said. And you have no idea if he is. You just have hearsay that in the past he was sleeping with her mom. Even if that’s true, which again, you don’t know, it’s not happening anymore, and please don’t get involved in this and make the decision that you’re going to be the one to give her that disgusting info that might really fuck her up. Let this play out the way it needs to play out.January 7, 2018 at 8:44 am #735137
I’d give her advice that doesn’t tell her that her husband and mom have cheated. I’d talk about getting some counseling so that she gets a better idea of how to approach her situation and also suggest that she see a lawyer to see what would be involved if they get a divorce.January 7, 2018 at 9:30 am #735138
Stay out of this drama.January 7, 2018 at 10:56 am #735139
For this situation and in the future you could use a guideline for what to do. First I think you protect your closest relationship. That’s the relationship with your husband so if telling would harm that relationship you don’t. If it wouldn’t harm a closer relationship then will it help or hurt the person you would tell. In this case it may hurt her as much or more than it helps her.
This isn’t a total blanket rule. You would always have to balance damage to a closer relationship, like your marriage, against the potential harm to the individual. If you husband had revealed that his friend was planning to hide a lot of assets or to run up a huge amount of debt and then file for divorce the harm to the friend by not disclosing might be more serious than the harm to the relationship. If you found out that they were going to take the child out of the country and not return that would be far more serious than your relationship with your husband.
So look at the degree of relationship and protect the closest unless the harm to the other person is greater than the harm to your closer relationship.January 7, 2018 at 11:02 am #735140
Meddling in someone else’s marriage never ends well. Just don’t.
If I were your husband, I’d be really ticked off at this jackass for involving me by telling me this stuff, and I’d be telling him to keep it to himself. He’s putting your husband, his friend, in a terrible spot. If Tobin is unhappy in his marriage, he needs to stop screwing her family and friends and either work on the marriage or end it.January 7, 2018 at 11:29 am #735142
If my best friend’s husband was fucking her mother, I could not keep quiet. How could I let HIM get away with it, and let her twist in the wind?
You will probably stay out of it to protect yourself. But that REALLY damages your friend, who you love like a sister (would YOU want to keep on lying down every night next to the husband who had fucked your mother?). You say you would want to know. So, unless you feel hubby keeping Tobin’s little secret is more important than your friend not being with a man who fucks her mother: tell her.
Your husband doesn’t want to tell because it would damage his relationship with Tobin, I guess (that’s the reason I can see). Well, so fucking what? The man fucks his MIL. There should BE no further relationship with him. Talk to your husband about his reasoning, because I think you are right to wonder about him if he continues to be friends with Tobin after this. Tobins actions are absolutely family destroying. There should be major consequences – like losing all of your non-shitty couple friends.