January 7, 2018 at 4:14 pm #735181
I also feel like it’s just too late. This happened years ago. Tracks are covered, evidence is erased. If he’s currently cheating, she could find proof. Here it’s your word against his and her mom’s. It could drive her nuts if she can’t prove it.
I found out at my friend’s wedding – the best man told my other friend and she told me – that the groom had a torrid affair during their engagement when they temporarily broke up (ETA, it is probably WHY they broke up). But fuck, where was he then?? Why wait until after the vows are said? It’s too damn late. We didn’t tell her. They’re still married, with kids, and that’s her situation.January 7, 2018 at 4:24 pm #735185
I would 100% of the time say to stay out of it but this is such a huge breach of trust from so many ends. I would tell her. That is something I would never say but I really think if I was her I would NEED to know and sooner than later. Also, he could be exposing her to STD’s which is always an issue even when I say mind your business.January 7, 2018 at 4:27 pm #735186
Kate, Thank you so much, I agree, to little too late, it happened, it’s horrible, but no proof anyways equals he said she said and at the end of the day it would all be what she actually chose to believe and there’s no telling all the lies he and her mom could create, so yeah it sucks but it is what it is at this point and I can’t honestly say if her staying with him would actually be a worse scenario then losing her family anyways!January 7, 2018 at 4:38 pm #735187
Go to the mother immediately and tell her that you know and that if she does not cut the relationship off you will tell her daughter. Finished.January 7, 2018 at 4:40 pm #735188
JD, yeah and this has been my exact dilemma, I could never forgive myself if she ended up with a serious std! But I have no proof and I might be causing more harm then good even considering the scenarios that may or may not even happen! This has just been such a horrible situation to be in, just for me, so I can’t even image what Sara would have to go through! There are so many conflicting answers here and I can relate to each of them! Damned if I do, damned if I don’t!January 7, 2018 at 4:42 pm #735190
Jen, thanks, as far as I know, the affair with her mother has since ended! Hopefully for good!January 7, 2018 at 8:59 pm #735198
The way I see it the best you can do is encourage your friend to empower herself and let that lead her to whatever conclusion works best for her. The fact her first marriage ended with cheating and her still not realising her worth enough to kick the bastard out, in fact the opposite, suggests she has some self esteem issues. Considering she grew up with a mum who will sleep with her husband I can see where it comes from. My advice would be to be the best damn cheerleader you can and try to help Sara find resources wherever they might be to help her get her life back. Be unashamedly on her side every step of the way. If her life blows up be a safe place to land, not the catalyst.January 7, 2018 at 9:52 pm #735200
When I read this I felt so bad for your husband, you, and your friend. If you were my bff and this had happened to me and something else might have happened I WOULD WANT TO KNOW!How humiliating and degrating it is to be cheated on and never knowing (even your own mother, Fking gross) this husband “friend” is not a friend to you or your husband because of what postion he put your husband in.I’m sure your husband felt a great burden lifted off of him. Her mother is a disgusting human being along with the husband. I don’t know why people think people should stay out of relationships if a person is cheating. Esp when other people, like your closet friends, know. This happened to me years ago and it was like a slap in my face. I was so angry that everyone knew but me. You should do the favor and tell her. You should sit down with your husband and tell him that this needs to be told and explain to him this guy is no friend putting you guys in this situation. Calmly tell her what has happened and let her know you will be there to support her in whatever decisions she chooses. She shouldn’t go to her grave without knowing this. Her self worth is so important. If she becomes angry at you and your husband then look at it as an exit out of a doomed friendship that you dont have to keep secrets anymore. That would suck but your own mental health is important.January 7, 2018 at 9:55 pm #735203
Another vote for not telling for all the reasons others have said. I also think Ange brings up a good point. She’ll need you. Her mom is obviously an asshole, and she’ll need you when her marriage falls apart. Don’t risk that by being the barer of bad news from an affair a few years ago. Maybe if you had proof of a current affair, but you don’t.
Be there for her. Offer support. Guide her to make good decisions. Good luck. You’re a good friend.January 7, 2018 at 10:03 pm #735204
Ante, great advice and insight, thank you!January 7, 2018 at 10:04 pm #735205
Ange* autocorrectJanuary 7, 2018 at 10:25 pm #735206
Autumnrose, I definitely see where you’re coming from, I’m so sorry that you had to experience that and yes her self-worth is so important and I don’t want her to have to feel any of that pain, and yes I would absolutely want to know, but I don’t know if she really does, not actually, I think Tobin is a horrible friend and a disgusting person but I also think he is wanting this all out or he wouldn’t be acting this way now, so I feel like it’s only a matter of time before he lets the truth slip anyways
Ktfran, I completely agree, and thank you so much!