January 7, 2018 at 10:27 pm #735207
A possible STD is not a reason to tell your gf that her husband had an affair with her mother. If that affair was even real, it is a long ago deal and gf would have had the STD for 7-8 years, which is possible since syphilis can be completely asymptomatic in women. If she has an STD, it is likelier to be from a current affair her husband is currently engaging in, but you know nothing about any possible affair, beyond what your gf told her. If your worried that she might have an STD, the supportive low-key thing to do is to suggest that she fears her husband is having an affair, she doesn’t need proof of an affair to protect herself and get tested — just in case.
I am doubtful all is what you think it is involving the affair with the money. Not many guys have a sex with MIL kink and doing so, while living with wife, MIL, and an infant would definitely be a year of living very dangerously. That the husband would not contemporaneously, but years later, just confide this to your husband seems… strange. Whatever the circumstances, your husband took them into account and decided not to tell your gf and not to tell you. I don’t think he felt that this revelation from his friend put your friend in any current danger and that saying anything would cause more harm than good. Also strange that a guy who is currently cheating on his wife would confess to his best friend, not that he was cheating on his wife now, but that he had years ago cheated on her with her own mother. Revealing that isn’t going to assuage any guilt over current affair and he could hardly expect an ‘attaboy’ from your husband, so it just seems bizarre.January 8, 2018 at 1:46 am #735210
If you do not tell her, you have chosen to protect her husband’s disgusting secret. And you will be a bald-faced liar every time she talks to you about her troubles-every time you see her or him, or both together- every time you see her family.
Get really, really good at lying if you keep quiet. And watch your husband- he’ll learn to lie well, too.January 8, 2018 at 9:07 am #735219
I personally could not sit on this. It was not a rando bar chick he had a one nighter with… it was her MOTHER. This is such an egregious breach of trust on so many levels from the people closest to Sara, there is zero chance I would keep my mouth shut. If you can, you are better than me.January 8, 2018 at 10:56 am #735231
But that’s the point. This is a betrayal that the friend is far better off never learning about. It likely will destroy her. She loses her husband, mother, and self-esteem in one fell swoop and will certainly drop the friend who knows and revealed the secret. The question shouldn’t be how well you or the LW could live with this secret, but whether or not it is best for the friend to be told about it. I just cannot see how this could possibly benefit the friend. This is why LW’s husband didn’t volunteer this juicy bit to the LW.
It seems inevitable that LW’s friend is going to leave her husband, because of this current affair. Her knowledge (probably more than just suspicion) of this affair will do quite enough damage to her. She needs the safe harbors of LW and of her mother to weather the divorce. From what LW says, her friend still bears the scars of the cheating in her first relationship, doesn’t seem to have any strong support system apart from LW and mother, and has self-esteem issues. Focus on what is best for the friend, rather than LW’s relieving herself of burden of unwanted secret.January 8, 2018 at 11:15 am #735234
Frankly, I find this story hard to believe. Are you sure it is not a fake? Or this guy is a mythomaniac? Anyway, this is none of your business, you should now stop saying so much stuff about someone else’s life. If she one day asks for your opinion about her husband, you can tell her you don’t trust or like him, but stop it there and respect your friend’s privacy.January 8, 2018 at 11:16 am #735235
Agree with Ron… and, all you can actually say is, “Tobin told my husband that he slept with your mom x years ago.” Again, how does that information really help her? Or help in a way that justifies the damage?
It also has the potential to really mess up your own marriage, which should be considered.January 8, 2018 at 11:17 am #735236
It’s fascinating to me that you think the LW’s friend needs her mom, Ron—the mother who watched her daughter in pain from being cheated on in previous relationships—and then decided to fuck her husband. I have no idea why you think Mommy Dearest is a great source of support for this poor woman.
And you 100% guarantee the friend will drop the LW as soon as she tells? Well, maybe. But at least she gets to decide what happens in her own life.
You suggest making the LW’s friend a pathetic fool, tricked and lied to by everyone she trusts the most, is the “best” thing for her.
How sad.January 8, 2018 at 11:25 am #735238
The mother isn’t a safe Harbour though. Neither is a friend who kept the husband’s secret and was complicit in the cover up. This poor woman will have the rug pulled out from under her…she can’t rebuild on a foundation of quick sand.
This only works if everyone agrees to lie forever. There are already 4 people who know the secret. That we know of. If the husband is headed towards ex-husband territory, his incentive for keeping the secret (which he has already shared) doesn’t exist.
The choice is rock or a hard place for the lw. But I don’t think I could forgive my best friend for keeping this from me if I found out. Would you all really be able to?January 8, 2018 at 11:27 am #735239
Yeah those are the two points I don’t totally agree with Ron – 1) that she’d def leave her husband over cheating, 2) that her mom is the best person to provide emotional support. Maybe other kinds of support though, like financial and kid help.January 8, 2018 at 11:29 am #735240
Yeah, I could forgive, say, Lianne for not telling me, *assuming she didn’t tell anyone else AND had no reason to believe my husband had told anyone else but her husband about it.*January 8, 2018 at 2:02 pm #735251
You have to consider that you and your husband are probably being used. Why would Tobin confess now to something that happened years ago? Why confess to your husband that he cheated with his MIL. It seems likely that he wants to blow up his marriage while protecting his current affair. He wants his wife to leave him over an issue where she couldn’t possibly get over it and try to stay together while at the same time protecting the affair so that he can present his mistress as a girlfriend he met after his wife left him instead of having everyone see her as the other woman.
He could easily assume that he would tell your husband and your husband would tell you and then you would tell Sara. Then Sara is destroyed and kicks him out and he is free to exit the marriage for the affair. I think that both you and your husband are pawns. Tobin is probably dumping both of you along with his wife.
Is Sara’s mom the type who would have an affair with her son-inlaw? Does Tobin hate his MIL? Would he love to destroy her relationship with Sara? This seems like a confession designed to destroy Sara and her support system. You don’t know whether this confession is true or made up in order to inflict the greatest pain or a mix of both.
If you begin to feel that you are a pawn in someone’s plan you shouldn’t further their plan. This seems like a plan to destroy both Sara and her mom. It seems that Tobin hates them both. He doesn’t just want out of the marriage he wants to destroy them emotionally.January 8, 2018 at 2:40 pm #735263
Skyblossom: Why wouldn’t Tobin just divorce his wife?
You think it makes logical sense that he would be lying in some convoluted scheme to have his friends think his new girlfriend didn’t start as an affair?
Instead, he would have an EXTREMELY pissed-off ex, with a perfect reason to take him to the cleaners for every penny he has. Also, there would be a decent chance his friends wouldn’t socialize with him, period, anymore (since he’s a repulsive mother-in-law fucker). If the gossip got out at his workplace or to his own mother—there could be other nasty consequences.
People have affairs all the time. It’s ugly, but common. A guy doesn’t fuck his mother-in-law. That is a whole new level of betrayal. A man wouldn’t trash his reputation to that degree.