- This topic has 14 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 1 day ago by Buttery.
April 3, 2021 at 3:24 am #1033717AliciaGuest
my best friends we will just call her “B” soon to be husband was away on his bachelor party with my fiancé and our other friends they went away for the weekend but only about an hour away from home when my fiancé was away he was really upset and when he got home he told me that the single guys that were there invited a girl over to the bachelor party we will call her “H” that is actually friends with “B” and I guess “B”s soon to be husband was drunk with the other guys and “H” was grinding on “B”s soon to be husband and I guess things got out of control and “H” was alone in a room with “B”s soon to be husband and another guy the rest of the guys were in the living room and I guess they heard giggling and the shower running and then a little later the friend came out of the room and said “wild stuff happened” and that “H” had bit his tongue and saying he’s never tell anyone what really happened in the room so most everyone went to bed and in the morning my fiancé and some of the other guys found out that “B”s soon to be husband and the guy that was also alone in the room with “H” earlier we’re all in the pool naked together later in the night now that I know all this it’s been bugging me for months and “B”s now husbands knows I know that “H” was there and but he doesn’t know I know a lot of the girth stuff that happened so he ended up telling “B” that “H” was there but only told her she was there to hang out for a little bit and that was it but didn’t tell her everything that actually happened “B” doesn’t know that I know and it’s driving a wedge in our friendship and is really affecting my mental health I just feel like I can’t be friends with her anymore because of what I know and because her husband knows I know something that happened I feel like I’ve been a horrible friend for not telling her but I also don’t want to destroy her marriage please I need adviceApril 3, 2021 at 5:33 am #1033718
This isn’t your responsibility. It’s gross, no doubt, but honestly it happened at a bachelor party that you didn’t attend. No one actually knows what happened in that room. I’ve been naked in a pool with people and nothing happened.
If anyone was going to say something it should have been someone who knew what happened and it should have been before the wedding.
Just anecdotally, a good friend of mine from grad school got married years ago. At the wedding, the best man told our other friend that the groom had had a torrid affair with a woman in another state. It bothered us a lot that we had been told this and there was nothing we could do about it. We didn’t tell anyone. She was so in love with this guy, and they’d been together for years, and had split up for a bit while engaged, yet still got married. We figured she made her choice, and how was it going to help if we told her this tale? Anyway, they were married for over 10 years, had two kids together, but now he’s married to someone else who looks like a younger version of my friend but not as pretty, and they appear to have at least 7 kids between the two of them (like he had 2, she had 3, and then they had twins).
That’s life. It sucks. Realistically, what’s going to happen if you tell B her fiancé had a threesome at his bachelor party? Is she going to cut ties with him and avoid heartache? No. Don’t interfere. It’s too late anyway.April 3, 2021 at 5:36 am #1033719
The point I’m trying to make is that if their relationship is solid, they’ll make it. If not, it will come to its natural end. You don’t need to get involved and make it messy by telling her what you (think you) know. Don’t tell other people either.April 3, 2021 at 7:19 am #1033722FYIGuest
Is it a cool thing now to use no punctuation whatsoever? I’m asking seriously. A period at the end of a sentence is a useful thing. It helps people understand what you’re saying.
If I knew — really knew — that my best friend’s husband or fiancé had cheated, I would definitely say something to my best friend. It’s not clear what happened here, because there’s no punctuation and also because they were in a pool? or something? The husband sounds like an idiot.April 3, 2021 at 7:51 am #1033723
Even if it happened right in front of me, like I opened the door and saw him engaged in a threesome, I wouldn’t probably go straight to her. I’d take him aside, ask him if she knows what he’s doing, and let him know he needs to tell her within 2 weeks or I will. And then follow up on it.
But unless you saw it, you’re just going to be reporting rumors. Maybe she can use it as leverage to get him to tell the truth, but most likely he denies it and then what? They stay together until the relationship comes to its natural end, and there you are. You should pretty much never interfere in someone’s marriage. Unless there’s abuse, and then go to an expert about what to do.April 3, 2021 at 8:23 am #1033724FYIGuest
If my friend needs an STD panel and doesn’t even know she needs an STD panel, then — yeah — I’m gonna tell her.
Financial dishonesty often goes hand-in-hand with cheating, so I personally would not leave my friend vulnerable. Just me.April 3, 2021 at 8:49 am #1033725
What medical tests someone does or doesn’t get definitely aren’t anyone else’s business.April 3, 2021 at 8:50 am #1033726
Or their finances either.April 3, 2021 at 8:54 am #1033727
Well, unless I know I have an infection and I had sex with someone, then it’s my responsibility to tell them. In this case if the fiancé had sex with someone and knows he has an infection, he should tell his wife. But it’s not the LW’s responsibility.April 3, 2021 at 10:36 am #1033728HazelParticipant
I’d just leave it, you weren’t there, you don’t know for sure and it sounds like he was hammered and probably deeply regrets whatever he did. It doesn’t necessarily reflect on his future behaviour (though I admit it wasn’t great). Don’t feel bad about not telling her. After I left my Ex numerous people admitted to me that they had witnessed his cheating (or been part of it) but I wasn’t angry with them for one second, they weren’t the ones who had done anything. You don’t have a duty to tell in this case I don’t think, and you shouldn’t feel bad about just forgetting it.April 3, 2021 at 7:13 pm #1033740bloodymediocrityParticipant
I’m inclined to also say leave it. You don’t really know what happened. Maybe nothing happened. Maybe a little something happened. Maybe something big happened and it made him realize what a big mistake it was and cemented his feelings for his fiancé. Maybe something happened and his fiancé already knows about it. Maybe the fiancé gave him their blessing. Maybe he’s a serial cheater and this has been happening forever and it’s only a matter of time before he’s caught. You don’t know.
In general, I think it’s best to stay out of other relationships unless you have 100% irrefutable evidence AND you know for certain what’s going on in the other person’s relationships AND you know for a fact that they would want to receive this information.
Basically, don’t go to trial without a judge that will hear the case or hard evidence. You maybe have the judge but not the evidence.April 3, 2021 at 7:40 pm #1033742
Maybe if your friend had explicitly said to you, “Alicia, I want you to promise me that if you ever hear anything about my soon to be husband maybe doing anything that might be construed as cheating, you will absolutely tell me. No, really, promise me. Even if you didn’t see it. Promise?” Then I think you’d be good.