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Dear Wendy

Between my boyfriend and my ex

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  • #1031338 Reply
    avatarConfuses
    Guest

    My ex was abusive and we were toxic together but he did so much for me. We showered together, he washed my hair for me, he drove me (I paid gas), he checked up on all my meds and just always took care of me. it was mutual so not like i was using him or solely dependent but my boyfriend now, ive never loved anyone or anything the way i love him but he just doesnt seem to ever go out of his way. i always go all out and hes never even gotten me a gift. and a gift to me is something as small as a handwritten note, that would be so meaningful. but he hid me from his family for a long time and just never seems to want to do anything for me despite what i do for him. and he blames it on thw fact that he’s never been in a healthy relationship, but neither had i. all of my growth has been personal and all on my own and i cant raise another grown man. im not going to teach someone to care for me. i feel so unloved and i dont know what to do.

    #1031341 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    Your sentence says it all ” I feel so unloved…”. I am not sure what advice you are looking for but if its getting back with this person, then NO, it is not a healthy relationship. It can be hard to let go of first loves. Everything you wrote in about this person seems like he was not good boyfriend to you. It sounds like he did bare minimum stuff. Perhaps Google topics on what is and is not health in relationships and maybe find a counselor to talk too.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by avatarKarebear1813.
    #1031344 Reply
    avatarPeggy
    Guest

    Hi. My first thought was this…your ex did all that stuff because he was abusive! Very controlling really…keeping you dependent and glued to his side. There appears to certainly be aspects of that here. Not many people shower and wash each others hair together etc….especially all the time. So-maybe re-think that his actions were romantic or loving.

    You can tell your boyfriend now, that you would enjoy or appreciate a small surprise or a card on occasion, in case he is not aware of that. However it seems like you are not happy or getting much of anything … emotionally or practically from him and you are doing most of the giving. He is teally telling you that he can’t or won’t be bothered and using his past as an excuse.

    My advice is to think about breaking up with him…if he is unwilling to work on himself/the relationship, and take some time without dating to get into a healthier mindset. Develop a satisfying life doing what you enjoy and where you are not counting on a man for building and running your life/happiness. You need balance, not flipping from one extreme type of guy to another. Once you are happier and more confident within yourself you will attract, and be drawn to better men, that can give to and treat you, in an equal balanced way to how you give.

    #1031352 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    Why did he hide you from his family? Did you address — really address, with therapy — the issues from the abusive relationship? Because if the solution to that was just to get a different boyfriend, then that won’t work.

    You sound like you are still romanticizing a relationship that you yourself call “toxic,” so the issue is with YOU, your standards, who you choose to invite into your life. Why did you elect to be with someone who was ashamed of you (hiding)?

    Fix your picker.

    #1031360 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Look at the positives here, you recognize that your former relationship was toxic and abusive. I think you get that the “caring” stuff he did was kind of controlling and codependent actually, but if not, yeah. And you recognize there’s an imbalance in your current relationship where you’re doing too much and not feeling loved in return.

    Those are good things. What you’re starting to see here is that neither of these is the right relationship for you, but that you can take what you learned from each and have a healthier relationship with the next guy.

    Don’t fall into the mental trap of thinking you need to choose between the current boyfriend and the ex, as your title suggests. Guess what, it’s neither! If you’ve communicated what you actually want and need from your current boyfriend and you’re not getting it, then you just move on. That’s okay. And when I say move on, I mean forward, not backward.

    #1031362 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    You need to break up with this guy and then be single for a while.

    #1031365 Reply
    avatarConfused
    Guest

    im replying to one of these instead of all, thank you all so much. no i would never ever consider getting back with my ex. i was single for a while and yes i am in therapy. the reason for this was i feel like feeling unloved is my downfall. i feel like everything i do will never be enough. i just wanted to know if my view was blurred or if i was getting myself into another situation that isnt worth the effort. i know my worth which is why im seeking advice this time instead of taking him at his word.

    #1031368 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    “i feel like everything i do will never be enough.” Sometimes less is more. Doing too much too early can make people who are slower to commit very uncomfortable and they pull back in response. It has nothing to do with you not having worth. It is different love languages, different attachment styles. That said, odds are the other posters are correct and new guy isn’t the right guy for you. All the ex did for you was too much. You don’t say how long you’ve been with new guy.

    #1031371 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    He blames his past on why he can’t do better right now, in the present. It doesn’t even seem like he’s promising to do better in the future. He’s told you who he is – he’s broken and you can’t fix him. You know this. You can’t move the rock up the hill over and over by yourself.

    You know what you need from a relationship and this guy isn’t it. I’m not sure why you fell so deeply in love with this person when he could give you more than the bare minimum (He hid you from his family – what?!?).

    Maybe you need to stop jumping in with both feet thinking that your love will magically make someone do all the things you need and instead find someone who does at least a good portion of the things you need first. Basically, wade into the relationship – not jump without looking.

    #1031375 Reply
    avataranonymousse
    Participant

    He hid you from his family- and you stayed with him after that.

    He’s never going to go all out. He’s never going to match your effort. I’m sorry, but the two examples of men you’ve dated are pretty bad. It would be a good time for you to break up with this new guy and take care of yourself for awhile while you figure out what you want.

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