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BF has had dozens of “casual” relationships and still keeps in contact

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  • This topic has 51 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by avatarTui.
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  • #876068 Reply
    avatarjanelane230
    Participant

    Hey guys! I’ve posted on this forum under another name before and you all helped me quite a bit with your advice. So I’m back!

    A little background on my boyfriend and I: we live in an art college town and met on Bumble. We’ve been dating exclusively and seriously for six months. My boyfriend runs an art/music venue out of his house and it has become quite popular over the years.

    Now, imagine just… art college kids. They’re fairly open and more into casual relationships. My boyfriend was single for about two years before we met but had dozens upon dozens of casual relationships and hookups with girls through tinder, his venue, etc.

    I know this is relatively normal for a young man in college but since we’ve been dating I’ve met a lot of these girls and he’s introduced them to me like we should be friends. They come to a lot of the art venue shows and he stays in contact with them through social media. I’ve recently come to find out he actually was casual with one of his girl roommates that lives in the house. He’s had sex with pretty much every girl he ever met in college and he kept that fact pretty Lowkey until a few months in and I had to start asking if he had a “thing” with this girl or that girl.

    It wouldn’t upset me as much if I didn’t have to meet these girls and be around them all the time. He’s literally had me shake their hands in greetings. I know I can’t change the past and I’ve accepted that, but I feel like it’s uncomfortable for me that he still follows all of them on social media, keeps tabs on them, remains extremely friendly to them when he’s in a serious relationship with me.

    Do you think this is a particularly odd situation? We’ve talked about it before and he just says he only wants to be with me which I know, but the fact he’s always in contact with these girls hurts my feelings and he doesn’t seem to get it.

    Is this a red flag or am I overthinking it?

    #876070 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    This is who he is. I don’t know that he should “get it,” it’s not really your place to tell him whether or not he should be friends with women he’s had sex with.

    It *is* your place to decide whether or not he’s the right guy for you. This is just something to throw in the pros-and-cons pile.

    #876074 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    I consider a person who is able to be friendly with exs a good thing. Only you can decide if this is the guy for you

    #876080 Reply
    avatarMaltaKano
    Guest

    It’s okay if you’re uncomfortable with the situation, and maybe this isn’t the relationship for you. Art school kids tend to have their own ecosystem. Maybe you’re not a good fit for that world. (I wouldn’t be.) But he’s not doing anything wrong by staying connected on social media or introducing you to these women. It wouldn’t be reasonable to ask him to change this behavior. In fact, I think it speaks pretty well of him that he’s honest about who he is, and that he isn’t just sleeping with and discarding women. Can you frame it as a good thing that, out of all these cool, artsy girls, he chose you to intentionally commit to?

    #876083 Reply
    avatarjanelane230
    Guest

    My boyfriend and I actually are on the same degree path so I’m also an art student but I never really meshed with the “art student ideal” personality. I dated one person throughout high school and a part of college for six years so I do think it has skewed my approach to seeing relationships, but it isn’t my BF’s fault.
    I do reassure myself no matter now flirty and casual he still is with these women, at the end of the day he is committed to me and only me so I should feel confident about it. I think y’all are right that it’s just who he is and I get to decide if it’s right for me. I was cheated on by my long term partner so I feel insecure but I suppose that isn’t something I can take out on my current boyfriend.
    I just feel kind of sad because I don’t think it’s right for me. I think it’s going to be a point of contention forever because he ONLY really speaks to women. He grew up with four sisters and I think just connects with them more. I guess it’s something to think about. Thanks guys.

    #876084 Reply
    avatarFyodor
    Guest

    FWIW, I don’t think I would be comfortable with a girlfriend who had slept with all of her male friends and continued to hang out with them all the time. Part of growing up is figuring out what you like and don’t like. You don’t need the other person tbe wrong or bad to decide it’s not for you.

    #876085 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, this wouldn’t be my style either. I’m a serial monogamist, not someone who has tons of casual flings, and I gravitate toward the same. I’m not sure you two are actually compatible.

    #876087 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Also, I hope you didn’t choose to post under another name because you already revealed something sketchy about your boyfriend that you don’t want us to consider.

    #876088 Reply

    Dozens upon dozens?

    He only interacts with women?

    It’s okay not to be okay with this.
    I went to art school and the social norms are different but that doesn’t mean you have to change how you feel/react to stuff like this. And even for art school, I think this is pretty weird.

    Here’s hoping you all have used protection.

    #876091 Reply
    avatarjanelane230
    Guest

    And one of the women he’s had a casual fling with is a roommate in the house he lives in… like I’m there most of the time and she’ll walk into a room and only speak to him and ignore me. It happens often with these girls he’s had a history with, they’ll exclusively speak to him when I’m standing right next to him.

    He has revealed to me that he slept around and had hookups often because he was in a sad, lonely place after his breakup two years ago and that’s how he filled the void which I understand. It just starts to make me think harder when he tells me he ditched class with two girls he had a history with the get drunk off of margaritas with them.

    And because this is anonymous I feel comfortable sharing this but about a month ago I actually was sent to the ER for pelvic inflammatory disease and another unfortunate STD that I know he gave to me. It stinks because I know it’s my fault to we stopped practicing safe sex further into the relationship. But he was there for me during the ER visit and I didn’t blame him for anything and it was handled okay.

    I do think y’all are right it is just who he is and I get to decide if it’s something I want to deal with in a relationship. I can’t change anyone and thinking I could do so would be toxic anyways.

    #876092 Reply
    avatarjanelane230
    Guest

    also! I posted on here a while ago about a different topic right before I met my current boyfriend!

    And it’s not to say I feel like I have any proof he’ll cheat on me. I just think he genuinely likes female attention. He has a facade of being very confident but I think he’s insecure just like me and boosts his esteem through female attention no matter who it is. But it seems like it’s ATTENTION not necessarily sex while he’s in a relationship with me if that makes sense.

    #876094 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    “Art school kids” aren’t really different than anyone else. Some sleep with a lot of people, and some don’t. They aren’t one type.

    Did he tell you he had an STD before you went to the ER? Did you know this about him? Always, always, always use a condom.

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