Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

BF has had dozens of “casual” relationships and still keeps in contact

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Viewing 12 posts - 37 through 48 (of 52 total)
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  • #876137 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I couldn’t stop thinking about this today. What really got me was the buried lede. The first post was all about being uncomfortable that so many of his ex-partners were still around, and it’s not till further down the page that we find out he gave her an STD and she ended up in the ER with a raging pelvic infection. As if that was a mild annoyance compared to having to hang out with his exes socially.

    I might not necessarily be angry if I thought my BF had no idea he had an STD. But to know he has a history of banging every woman he met for years and then to find out he didn’t even bother getting tested before having unsafe sex with me? My rage would have had a 5-mile blast radius. He’d be lucky if all I did was break up with him, and he’d be paying every fucking cent of my medical bills. I am SO ANGRY on this LW’s behalf.

    And even after having something as potentially dangerous as PID, and knowing he could have given her other STDs, she’s still worried about being the cool girlfriend.

    #876144 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    LW, you’re giving him sympathy because he’s “embarrassed about his past.” WHAT ABOUT YOUR PRESENT?!?!

    You’ve been dating six months, and he got tested “many years ago,” way before he started banging all these students? And he acts “weird” when you bring up testing!? And all this was a month ago? I really, really hope he paid your medical bills, since he’s so “embarrassed.”

    I know you feel like people are piling on, but that’s just because this is seriously so effed up.

    #876147 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    I don’t think he’s embarrassed about his past. You obviously know all about it so he’s not trying to hide anything. I think he is just an irresponsible idiot who doesn’t want to go to the doctor and have to deal with a health issue. And, you know, tell all his friends they probably have chlamydia or whatever because awkward. I’m not trying to be mean, but I want you to see how fucked up this is. On what planet is it acceptable to know your girlfriend has an STI and not go get tested yourself? After lying about getting tested no less. My guess is he never has. Think about it. If he had in the past, why wouldn’t he now? It’s sociopathic.

    #876149 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Or gonorrhea, that’s the other one that causes PID.

    #876150 Reply

    And he’s likely spread that around to everyone. You honestly should tell your doctor and/or let all his friends know if that sounds like fun. He won’t.

    https://www.stdcheck.com/blog/stds-and-the-law/

    #876152 Reply
    avatarjanelane230
    Guest

    hey guys I’m sorry 🙁 I just got my feelings really hurt by being told essentially not to reproduce. I know what the intentions were, it was more of a shock value type thing to make me wake the hell up but it like… really hurt my feelings haha.

    I would like to add a couple of things. My BF says he’s never had symptoms before of anything but as someone mentioned earlier, a lot of STDS and STIs have zero symptoms in men and they can be carriers without even knowing.
    I think after all the people he’d slept with, he assumed he had something but didn’t get checked because he never had symptoms. Is it monstrous? Yes. It’s very disappointing and disgusting.
    Thankfully while I was at the ER I did have an entire STD screening and I did not have gonnoreah or chlamydia or HIV. Results came back with an abnormal amount of white blood cells so they thought it was likely untreated BV. I’m still waiting on results for HPV. I also just had my well woman’s exam with my OGBYN this week. So I’m following up with doctors and making sure what happened before doesn’t happen again. I am curious why he acts so weird about me asking him to get his own screening done. I think he’s immature. A lot of his actions really chalk up to him being immature as hell.
    We both get off work pretty late tonight but I told him I need to have a really serious discussion with him tonight. I have a very difficult time expressing anger but I’ll do my best and really lay it down and honestly probably give him an ultimatum.

    #876153 Reply

    Why are you giving him an ultimatum? Why are you having a discussion with him?

    I still don’t think you even comprehend how utterly reprehensible his behavior has been.

    You *could* have become infertile from PID. He could be carrying anything. He’s reckless.

    You should stop wasting your time on an immature, gross dude like this. Seriously. He’s not worth it. You don’t like his friends. His friends and roommates don’t even acknowledge your presence. He’s not a good guy. What you should do is walk away from this dumpster fire before he…I don’t know, gets someone else pregnant? Gets a incurable STD?

    #876154 Reply
    avatarAnchrige
    Guest

    Okay, if it’s BV causing PID, I retract the idea that he’s definitely cheating – BV isn’t strictly speaking an STI so that doesn’t give us much information.

    I think, though, digging his heels in about his and your sexual health is a red flag. At University, you can be on a growing-up learning-curve on many things, but not being too immature to be up on your sexual health is just not acceptable if you’re going to be sexually active. You may want to consider if this is energy you want in your life. Immature is not an excuse for this – HPV is very common and typically passes in two years, but some strains can cause serious complications – subjecting your girlfriend to that because you don’t want to wrap it is worse than immature.

    But beyond this – you don’t trust him. That’s not a flaw, that’s a sign – find yourself someone you don’t have to waste this much energy being anxious about.

    #876160 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    I second the advice to cut and run. He outright lied to you about having been tested, got you seriously ill and could just as easily have gotten you fatally ill or taken your fertility, and when you’ve asked him about getting tested he’s refused and acted cagey. This is not someone you should be continuing to engage in a relationship with. The selfishness and complete disregard for your health and safety are character flaws that won’t easily go away. You can’t trust him because he lies about really important things and to avoid facing potentially difficult truths/decisions. This is on top of the endless parade of former partners. He’s showing you who he is. You shouldn’t be blaming yourself or giving him brownie points for feeling bad about major issues he caused. This guy is bad news and it’s time to ditch him.

    #876161 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    I just look at the sheer amount of labor you’re doing on all this, meanwhile he is “weird” when you even mention his getting tested.

    “I’m following up with doctors and making sure what happened before doesn’t happen again.” Why isn’t HE doing that too?

    Unless you want very serious medical consequences, break up with this guy. Oh, and guys don’t sleep around because they’re so hurt about a previous break-up. Don’t be naive.

    #876162 Reply
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I’m not willing to call him a monster or a sociopath, but the immaturity, selfishness, and irresponsibility are off the charts. And those are traits that make for very, very bad relationships.

    Guys like that can be fun at the beginning. But when you need them to step up and be an adult, they let you down every single time.

    He’s not some broken-winged baby bird that you have to save. He’s a selfish little boy, and he’s not ever going to be someone you can rely on no matter how much time you devote to trying to fix him. Find yourself a grown man.

    #876169 Reply
    avatarKate
    Keymaster

    Yeah, to be clear, I’m not actually calling him a sociopath, but this behavior around lying about ever getting tested and then refusing to get tested with the justification that HE never experienced symptoms… is so hugely selfish and disregarding of so many other people’s health and safety that it appears sociopathic. What a pig.

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