Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

BF in denial about bed bugs. Gaslit, not sure how to deal with the situation.

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice BF in denial about bed bugs. Gaslit, not sure how to deal with the situation.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 39 total)
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  • #878352 Reply
    avatarRuby Tuesday
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    You need to dump your boyfriend and find a therapist.

    #878363 Reply
    avatarron
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    This isn’t an OCD problem, its a bf problem. No indication at all that LW is unable to cohabit successfully. Bf’s behavior is just awful. Perhaps he is the one ill-equipped to cohabit or be in a relationship. Doing extensive research on a problem isn’t OCD — there is a repressed research librarian hiding in this woman. I do hope 40 hours research was an exaggeration, as that much, presumably internet, research will take you down the alleys of the ignorant and disreputable — I just don’t think there is that much useful information on bedbugs and their treatment out there, unless one is a really slow reader.

    #878369 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
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    Ron: I have never heard of anybody becoming so consumed with a four year battle against bed bugs. Never. It’s all just VERY over the top.

    #878373 Reply

    It is irrelevant whether or not you have, my post isn’t about you. Your input is in no way useful to this discussion because it isn’t about you or your situation. If you can’t offer any non-critical or constructive conversation please leave the conversation. I don’t think you even realize that if you were read the overarching message of my story, your attitude is the same as my BF’s. It is self centered to the point of ignorance. Unsympathetic,lacking empathy (which means being able to understand another person’s feelings even when they differ from yours) naive and unable to view something beyond your own limited scope of experience because clearly you and he both are the end-all be-all of human knowledge. You know everything and anything that deviates from what you think or feel or believe MUST be incorrect. In short, everyone is different and not everyone reacts to things in life the same way. Just because you do not know anyone who suffered PTSD over this or any other issue, does not invalidate my own personal experiences and the impact on my life. If you knew more about this (which you do not, just like my BF who refuses to) you would realize there are many people who take this as seriously as I do, just as some don’t care at all and live in a state of infestation without ever bothering to tell anyone. Neglecting the problem and spreading it wherever they go. Again from your comments you give the impression that you know everyone or at least many people who have battled an infestation.

    You are sorely missing the point of my post and again- you are mirroring the exact same behavior this post is about. Gas lighting someone or attempting to and disregarding/invalidating their feelings.

    #878375 Reply
    avatarOracle
    Guest

    The LW has deep psychological problems. She saw “a” bed bug? They come out at night. What you do see is their droppings which look like tiny drops of blood. You do not see their castings. The boyfriend is in the right here. It’s all in her head.

    #878379 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    LW, I do think you need to seek therapy. This bedbug issue has completely taken over your life. Obsessive thoughts, losing sleep, talking about your life in terms of never being normal again, completely altering everything you do including sitting on your own furniture living in panic and total despair. I’m honestly not sure if you are a reliable narrator. You seem to have *a lot* of anger and hatred built up towards your boyfriend for not following the extensive protocol you’ve set up around this issue and for not, well, agreeing with you, and if you don’t actually have an infestation this could be really damaging. Even if you do this isn’t the way you should be handling it. It’s clear there are mental health issues at play here, please get some help for those. Therapy can be done via video call until going back into the office is safe.

    #878381 Reply

    I found a live bed bug, fecal staining in two areas on the headboard and a cast skin that was under the hardware that hung the headboard on the wall. I also had a K9 inspection and the dog alerted twice around the bed. They come out whenever there is a food source nearby, not just at night.

    #878383 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Okay. Truth? NEWSFLASH: I HAD the bedbugs. It wasn’t my friend. It was me. Having lived through that, it really, truly, simply wasn’t THAT big of a deal.

    Oh, It was a pain.
    It was icky.
    It was gross.

    And yes — It cost me $1200 dollars. (Over two months rent at the time…) So it was pretty damn frustrating.

    But your level of reaction and sheer terror is simply not sane or normal. (Living for years out of ziplock bags?!). Sorry! Not normal! Not even vaguely grounded in reality.

    The sooner you realize this —- the sooner you’ll move on with your life.

    #878384 Reply

    I am done with this discussion. People have completely deviated from the topic to basically tear me apart, according to their own limited knowledge. Few have taken the time to truly read everything I wrote and have chosen to pick apart a few points, only. I wrote about my past experience and what I went through previously and how it affected my life and also how far I much I have recovered, since then. But without considering all that and that the point of my post was to seek advice on how to handle my bf’s treatment of me during this, apparently the consensus is now that I have a serious issue. This is why I hesitated to come here and seek advice, it is useless and insulting.

    #878385 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Okay, fine. Shoot the messengers. The fact that so many people echo the same exact point SHOULD give you pause. Real pause. But it won’t.
    .
    Oh well.
    .
    Good luck.

    #878386 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    LW, you describe your life as “harrowing” and a “horror”. You describe paranoia, hypervigilance, and compulsive, obsessive thoughts and behaviors extending *years* past your encounter with bedbugs. Hundreds of hours devoted to concentrating on this topic. This isn’t healthy for you. Please seek help from a qualified therapist who can help you deal with this.

    It sounds like you’ve treated the current problem and your boyfriend isn’t interested in acquiescing to what sounds like a really intense protocol of living out of plastic bags and constantly changing/washing clothes over what you admit is a very small issue. I guess I’m wondering how much actual benefit is seen from those behaviors vs how much of it is to soothe your obsessive anxiety. I also suspect, given how long and deeply this has affected you, that he’s dealt with your anxiety around bedbugs and heard constant talk of bedbugs for a long time, and that’s ramped up significantly now that you’ve had to treat for them. He may just not have the emotional capacity to handle any more around this topic. Also, and I may be wrong, but if you dropped out of school in 2016 then you’re in your mid 20’s-ish, and your boyfriend is 54 years old? Dating someone so many decades your senior can be really difficult, and this may be a manifestation of that. LW, you just…you dont sound healthy. I’m not saying this to gaslight or be snarky, please seek help.

    #878388 Reply
    bittergaymarkBittergaymark
    Guest

    Agreed. Very well said, golfer.gal. I wasn’t trying to be snarky either. But this letter writer needs a bit of a reality check.

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