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Dear Wendy

bf of 2 years and no bond with my two childern

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar darlene soto 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #741274 Reply
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    darlene soto

    I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about two and a half years now he’s 54 I am 49 he has same age children as mine. We live separately and are at his home every day pretty much everyday per his request I want you all here. Normal day routine first our home after school then his home from evening till morning most days. He does acknowledge my kids [he greets them with a hug and kiss my kids vice versa] he does have my boys a room there at his home. I just don’t see any other connection than just the everyday greet.. there’s no how was school today if anything my children are full of stories and jabber away. I’m concerned my children are 5 and 11 they with me pretty much full time. I really would like him to be a bit more involved but hes not ..

    #741276 Reply
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    JD

    So, talk to him about it.

    #741279 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    Yeah, I mean, you are almost fifty. Talking to him would be the first thing to do. How is he supposed to know what you want, if you don’t say it?

    #741287 Reply
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    darlene soto

    I have mentioned it in conversation … I told him I put him down at the boys after school care list so maybe he might want to pick them up if he ever wanted we both get out of work at 5pm and nada.. out of him . I had my boys in a soccer league and he did attend their games ..yes I’m thankful so are my boys… league had ended and there no push from him get those boys back in sports.. its just if I do it hes a cheerleader from the sidelines

    #741291 Reply
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    brise

    I think in this situation, I would live separately and date him in a distance, with two households.

    #741294 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I think you might have to have a conversation about it, not just mention it in the context of other things. Tell him what your expectations are and ask for his response in regard to what he is looking for and his impression of your expectations. Like can he meet your expectations? What does he see his role as? What do you see his role as?

    I think that if you find that you have differing plans for what his role will be, then I think that you may need to stop living as one family. Because if you two can’t agree (and not just you compromising to go along with what he wants) on his role, then this isn’t going to work out long-term and continuing to have your kids seeing him potentially as a father figure is going to be a problem.

    #741305 Reply
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    JD

    Saying “maybe you would want to pick up kids from school one day” is not having a conversation regarding his role in the kids life. No one wants to make a second or third stop after work. We want to go home! Would be nice but you just basically said “do you want to go out of your way on your way home from a long day for no particular reason?” You need to sit down and have a heart to heart about what he wants and can provide in that relationship and what you need or want. Step parents can be very involved but not every step parent takes on a whole new parent role. That’s ok! Different relationships entail different things. You need to actually in depth speak about it though, not just drop hints.

    #741344 Reply
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    Fyodor

    Use your words.

    #741347 Reply
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    anonymousse
    Member

    “I’d like you to be a father figure to my children. Do you see yourself in that role?”

    I mean, vaguely telling him about the after school pickup and now expecting him to push your children into sports??

    You need to communicate. No one is a mind reader.
    Hinting is not a great way to express your wishes or desires and rarely gets you what you want.

    I’m surprised you didn’t have a conversation about both of your roles regarding each others kids a long time ago.

    #741410 Reply
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    darlene soto

    Thank you dearly for all your advice. I will definitely have a heart to heart talk with my boyfriend very soon.

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