This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Northern Star 2 months, 2 weeks ago.
September 6, 2018 at 6:51 pm #795320
So I have a bf that i met when he was living on his own by himself with roommates. But as of now he lives with his mom and his sister and niece. The sister is 27 with no job and no education. His niece is 4 as of now. So As of rn he goes to school but he lives an 40 min away out of the city and I live 15 min from downtown where we go to school. The thing is he constantly wants me to be over there and chooses to stay on that side even if it means driving more. So the other day we had an argument about him not spending as much time with my family because he has ” anxiety” I’m not sure why because my family is warm and welcoming and always nice to him. Apparently he says he only likes spending time with me only. However we are in a relationship my family is yours and his is mine. I go over there and spend time with them. But when I ask him why he can’t when I can. he says it’s because I choose to spend time with them and that he didn’t force me. Well I choose to spend time with him if it means more time with each other. When my family makes plans in a group message he won’t respond but tell me in person he would see. Although most of the time he doesn’t have anything planned and wait until last min to say he has something to do that day. Another thing he does that I don’t like is guilt me into going over saying his niece misses me. I love his niece and all but when I’m over there it’s all about her. The mom doesn’t discipline her because she is constantly in her room being “busy” on the phone. So most of the time I’m with the niece and I’ve spent the whole summer at the house. While I was there I basically acted like the mom. The little girl always wanted to play and at the end I had enough and would tell her no. My Bf noticed and told me I am always being mean and too assertive towards her. I can’t help but parent the child if the actual mom or my bfs mom or bf won’t do anything to the kid. The child is sweet but she doesn’t listen when u tell her to brush her teeth or clean her toys. All she wants to do is play and be on her tablet. Yes she is 4 but she needs learn before things get worse. however now I just don’t want to go over there because it literally drains me. So now my be guilts me for not being over there saying I’m in my own world. However I have my own family and I’m in school and work part time. What boundaries do I need in the relationship. Also my bf wanted to move out the state once we graduated but, now that he lives with them he wants to stay put around the same area. I can tell he wants to stay close for the niece however if this is the road of where I’m going to take care of someone else’s family I don’t think I’ll be up for it because I would like my own family. I love him a lot but he’s making choices with out me and guilting me into them.September 6, 2018 at 7:07 pm #795322
Your boyfriend’s family is not yours. Your family is not his. That happens when you get married. Why on earth would you entangle yourself further in his fucked up family? They sound like losers (your boyfriend included) who are completely neglecting a four year old. Run.September 6, 2018 at 7:12 pm #795323
the only person not neglecting her is my bf… I didn’t really mean to entangle myself into his family because he had roommates but all 3 of his roommates moved out of state. So he’s staying there till he finishes college.September 6, 2018 at 7:13 pm #795324
Yeah. Not a match. MOA.September 6, 2018 at 7:30 pm #795326
His family is a mess and both of you need to grow up. MOA.September 6, 2018 at 7:44 pm #795328
You are already miserable. You are finding your incompatibilities and these are pretty big for this stage of your relationship. That’s what dating is about. You usually fall in love and then discover you aren’t compatible. As you get more experience dating you learn to watch for incompatibilities and end relationships much sooner when they don’t work. Once you realize the relationship doesn’t work you are wasting your time if you stay in it. The reason I say it doesn’t work is because he wants everything on his terms. This is who he is and how he lives his life. Can you be happy living your life the way it is right now? If you can’t then you end the relationship. It will hurt but not as much as spending years unhappy and resenting him and his family. This situation won’t get any better. Have you noticed he doesn’t complain about his sister not giving her undivided attention to his niece but if you get tired and want a break you are bad. Get out now. This is the life you can expect with him. You are at fault. You aren’t consulted. Your family doesn’t count. You have to go out of your way for him but he doesn’t go out of his way for you.September 6, 2018 at 8:13 pm #795329
This is incompatibility, plain and simple. You’re not a good fit for each other.
You’re probably fairly young if you’re still in school. What you’ll find as you move into dating as an adult is that most relationships don’t last, and it’s because of stuff like this. You discover that your approaches to life don’t work well together. He wants everything his way. He doesn’t want to interact with your family. His family is a hot mess.
If relationships were just about going on romantic dates together and having happy times with somebody you’re attracted to, nobody would break up. But that’s not the way it is. You have to deal with the rest of your lives, too, and you guys have a huge disconnect about how you want to live your lives.
Just put an end to it and move on.September 6, 2018 at 8:21 pm #795330
You aren’t compatible.
And it isn’t your job to discipline the 4 year old. She isn’t anyone to you. You aren’t her mother and visiting over the summer doesn’t make you a mother. You can play with her or not but slow your roll on being a mother figure for a hot second to a boyfriend’s niece.
You want different things and want to lead different lives. Move on.September 7, 2018 at 3:50 pm #795431
He isnt invested and lives with his family. MOVE ON!
And in the next relationship: dont try to integrate yourself into each other’s family lives too soon and dont parent other people’s children unless it is to prevent something bad from happening.
Good luck! I am POSITIVE there is a better catch out there for you.September 7, 2018 at 4:48 pm #795440
Your boyfriend has zero interest in your family, which means he has zero interest in building a future with you. Break up and move on.