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Dear Wendy

BF Won’t Perform Oral

Home Forums Advice & Chat BF Won’t Perform Oral

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  • #1101738 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    How do I explain to my boyfriend that without oral stimulation, penetrative sex alone just doesn’t do it for me? I think he basically assumes that, because he is WELL-endowed, he doesn’t need to perform oral sex or stimulate me with his fingers. And obviously he has aesthetic appeal, but overall I don’t find myself having orgasms from sex with him.

    Is that unusual, to need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, or is that normal? And if normal, how do I get him to learn/do this?

    #1101740 Reply
    Ange
    Guest

    You can say exactly that, that like a lot of women you need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. It’s totally normal, not a weird thing to ask for and it doesn’t mean either of you are broken.

    That said you’ve been having sex with this bloke for a while it sounds like, you should be able to speak up and say what you want. Not just in bed but in all aspects of your life together. If you mention this to him and he’s happy to work with you then it’s a good sign for the future. His pride might be a bit hurt at first but he should get over it and be glad to help. If he’s angry, resentful or turns it back on you to make it your fault then it’s definitely a red flag for outside of the bedroom also and I’d be cautious about progressing further.

    #1101742 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    So….it’s not unusual? I know sex education isn’t the best, but I guess I always thought that, like, size matters, so I should be able to orgasm if he is well-endowed. It’s normal, that even if someone is well-endowed, the woman needs oral/finger stimulation to orgasm?

    #1101743 Reply
    Prognosti-gator
    Participant

    I don’t have the link to the studies that show percentages handy, but it’s WAY common for women to need more than just PIV sex to achieve orgasm.

    His ego might get a little bruised because he may think being well endowed is enough, but ask yourself if you’d be happy never having this conversation. If he’s any bit decent, he’d want to know how to make sure you’re enjoying yourself too. If he doesn’t prioritize your enjoyment, you should seriously think about that.

    #1101744 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    Have you googled this? It’s the vast majority, like at least 70%. Just explain this to him like Ange said. If he isn’t willing to do what it takes, you should dump him.

    But also, look into other ways to get stimulation actually during intercourse, like with hands or toys.

    #1101745 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    “Is that unusual, to need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, or is that normal?”

    I can tell you from a guy’s experience that it is probably something that he’s encountered before and I don’t think that you need to worry about hurting his feelings by telling him.

    But you do need to be able to talk about what you need rather than expecting him to read your mind. And even if you don’t “need” it to finish and just *like* it you are entitled to ask for it. People do all sorts of things that their partners just like, even if they don’t need it.

    #1101746 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    70% need clitoral stimulation to orgasm? Wow, I never knew that, and that helps me feel more comfortable bringing this up.

    #1101747 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes. I would really recommend educating yourself a bit before having this conversation so you can hit him with some light facts, and know what to ask for. There is a wealth of info out there.

    It’s possible he’s been misled by porn, which makes it look like women have multiple orgasms from a huge dick alone. That’s not reality, it’s a male fantasy. But even so, he should be willing to do oral. If he’s not, like if he finds it gross, you really need to ditch him.

    #1101748 Reply
    Kate Smith
    Guest

    I mean I vaguely knew that those studies existed but I always assumed that “oh, that must be because their partners aren’t long and that’s why they also need clitoral stimulation.” That’s why I felt like my situation was unusual, but I guess it is structural to female sexuality no matter the size?

    If it’s not too wrong to ask here, is there a difference in your feeling, based on people’s experience, to have an orgasm through oral sex alone vs. penetrative alone, versus I guess both?

    #1101749 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes.

    #1101750 Reply
    Kate
    Guest

    Yes to both?

    #1101751 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I don’t have penetration-only orgasms, but yes, different circumstances do create different feeling/intensity.

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