bf’s girl best friend

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  • starrynights
    October 14, 2022 at 11:42 am #1116504

    My BF share’s a living space with another girl, in the way which their rooms are connects with a door and they have other people living in this same area. I’ve spoken with them enough to know that their relationship is very sibling-esque, in the manner which they tease eachother, berate eachother, banter, etc. However, I know that in occasions which they have nightmares from ‘shared trauma’ they share beds. I know it’s platonic, but it still strikes me as odd when they do so.
    The girl is really nice, often encouraging me to stay over, to come out with her friends, to watch films with her, even though my BF hasn’t asked her to, and she’s very genuine about it. The two of them repeatedly say they are nothing but platonic, and I know the girl is in a committed relationship too. Still, there are times I think they might be more than platonic.
    I don’t want to act jealous, or cause drama, but I am slightly insecure of how close they are, and think that in the scenario where we were to break up, and she and her BF were to break up, they’d probably end up together. I get that she might be a friend, but I am afraid that it might be more

    October 14, 2022 at 1:36 pm #1116505

    Hi. Hard to say if it is suspicious. They both seem to be open about it and not trying to “hide anything”. It is unusual perhaps that they are only friends but act that close. However, I have an adult son ( 20s ) ad he has a female best friend, and they have shared a bed etc. and were always strictly just buddies and had/have romantic partners. So this could be all it is. Are you just overthinking/wondering or do have a “gut feeling” they are involved?
    Unless you have an intense “spidey sense” I would just stay “aware” but not worry much about it.

    October 14, 2022 at 2:42 pm #1116506

    Jealous people always have a ‘gut feeling’ something is up. LW says she is ‘slightly insecure’ about how close they are, even though this woman is in a committed relationship and she sees them behaving in a sibling manner. Gut feelings and spidey sense only have value if you know that yours are well calibrated. If you are normally a jealous/insecure/anxious person, then they don’t mean much. In this case, her objective observations say ‘nothing but platonic going on here’. She shouldn’t fall victim to her insecurities.

    October 14, 2022 at 3:28 pm #1116507

    A gut feeling is also called intuition, Ron, and it shouldn’t be ignored. Women are conditioned not to trust their gut feelings and we really should not be told to ignore it. She didn’t even say she had a gut feeling, by the way.

    If you are uncomfortable with it, I would move on. I have shared beds with men I was platonic friends with, but not for emotional support over shared traumas, only when sleeping arrangements were tight. I think you’re right to feel how you feel, and if it is “I’m uncomfortable with this,” that’s fine. I don’t sleep with my friends for emotional support. No, not even for cuddling, and never have.

    October 14, 2022 at 3:59 pm #1116508

    I think it’s really weird. The fact that he’s so open about it would make me think HE actually does think it’s platonic and harmless. But it’s still just weird. And what “shared” trauma? Did the same bad thing happen to both of them? I feel like this falls into the category of “who the fuck does this,” and “what else might be weird about this guy.”

    October 15, 2022 at 8:06 pm #1116516

    LW should decide whether this situation between bf and roommate is something she is comfortable and can handle, assuming it is totally platonic, as bf says and she accepts. If it is too weird for her, fine to break it off. I think I would have found it too weird. But… absent even faint evidence of it being less than platonic, I don’t think their is a gut or intuition way of deciding it isn’t platonic — that is just a measure of one’s own insecurities and general lack of trust of bfs.

    I suspect that LW can’t handle the situation, because from what she writes she is now on the fence about the acceptability of bf’s arrangement but would find it totally unacceptable if the roommate and her bf split up.

    October 16, 2022 at 7:46 am #1116517

    “would find it totally unacceptable if the roommate and her bf split up.”

    That’s not what she said. She said she thinks the two of them would get together if they both found themselves single. Honestly? Yeah, probably they’d give it a shot. That’s valid. She thinks it might not actually be 100% platonic. Also valid. She doesn’t need to see them making out to think maybe this isn’t completely platonic. It’s not “I must see evidence or I’m just insecure with trust issues.” I don’t need to see a guy on the subway platform assault someone, or the guy at the bar actually pouring something in my drink, or it’s just my insecurities. But yeah, tell us more about how intuition doesn’t work unless there’s evidence 🤔

    October 16, 2022 at 3:52 pm #1116521

    Ron, the whole point was she never said she had a gut feeling! And then you wrote about how she shouldn’t trust hers.

    And women should!

    No male and female straight roommates I have ever had have slept together in this manner. She thinks it’s weird… so do you! So why are you defending it?

    This isn’t a court of law, she wants to know if she’s justified in finding this weird, and yes, it is pretty weird!

    October 16, 2022 at 3:56 pm #1116522

    A gut feeling isn’t the measure of someone’s own insecurities or lack of trust. I can’t believe you would write that on a relationship advice site to a young woman.

    That’s basically the exact opposite of what a gut feeling is. Every single woman on this site would probably tell her to listen to her intuition, to always trust it.

    What do you call your intuition, Ron?

    October 16, 2022 at 7:03 pm #1116523

    Men have gut feelings. Older guys at work are always saying, “I have a gut feeling! It’s not based on any data but it’s what I think.” And you’re supposed to just go with it as fact. Like, the head of my department, after a brilliant female economist spoke for 30 minutes, goes “well, there’s not going to be a recession! That’s my gut feeling.” And in another meeting, a president of another department said to me, I shit you not, “well, I watch a lot of tiktok and I have a gut feeling that we should lead with price, even though the research you just presented says we should lead with consultation.”

    And in case I need to state this explicitly, women cannot get away with that. We always have to make a case with data. And even then we’re dismissed in favor of a man’s gut feeling.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Kate.
    October 17, 2022 at 5:51 am #1116529

    Y’all ever watch Columbo? Every single procedural cop show features someone, usually a man, who goes with his gut.

    As for this case, it’s entirely possible that in a future where the two of them are single, they get together. But it sounds like they have a close platonic relationship while having their own romantic relationships. If this is a boundary you’d like to enforce, say something. He’ll determine if it’s acceptable or not.

    If someone told me that they occasionally share a bed with a roommate, of either gender, I would think that was weird and I would find it uncomfortable. I don’t know if it’s the hill on which I’d die as I am reminded of the Ross & Joey nap episode.

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    October 17, 2022 at 10:07 am #1116532

    “absent even faint evidence of it being less than platonic, I don’t think their is a gut or intuition way of deciding it isn’t platonic — that is just a measure of one’s own insecurities and general lack of trust of bfs.”

    Erm, no. I can immediately think of two situations from my own past where I had a gut feeling about it a boyfriend and another woman but no “evidence.” I was absolutely spot on with my intuition both times and I’d not describe myself as insecure or jealous. And of course in those moments decided I must be nuts and plenty of people were around to tell me to ignore my gut.

    Anyway, I think this is weird and it would make me uncomfortable. You can talk to your boyfriend about it without it causing drama or making you seem jealous, LW. You tell him how it makes you feel, see how he reacts.

    If he’s suffered trauma that give him nightmares, he’s hopefully speaking with a professional about it instead of just relying on his roommate/friend.

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