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BFs mother I feel is crossing boundaries

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  • #1001064 Reply
    avatarStevie
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    me and my bf just bought our first home in November 2020. since then his mother has basically decorated my house and bought everything for it. due to covid we havent been able to get furniture so it’s not top priority anymore. she’s made comments about buying a table for our kitchen my bf has even told her we would get something soon. she sent me a photo of a table (not my style) and said she would buy it for us. I spoke to her and explained that it’s not really my style of what I’m looking for and that we want to pick something out together to make it feel like our home

    today I come home and find out she came to our house while we were both at work and cleaned my house, rearranged stuff in my kitchen, moved all my holiday home decor out of my living room and put a table in our kitchen, and brought dinner not knowing if I already had plans to make something.i feel like her doing this is her telling me that my cleaning/house wiving isn’t good enough for her son. it’s hurtful but I don’t know what to do.my bf thinks I’m overreacting and that she was just trying to do something nice. but I feel like she may be crossing some boundaries and I don’t know what to say to get my point across without her or him taking it wrong.

    #1001106 Reply
    avatarPaula
    Guest

    Your boyfriend does not see a problem. Run. There can be only one lady of the house.

    #1001506 Reply
    avatarPassing through
    Guest

    You can’t control how they take the information, if they take it wrong, that’s on them not you.
    Better to have them annoyed with you for telling them how you really feel then saying nothing and letting it happen again.

    Just because someone gives you something doesn’t mean you have to keep it. Get the table you want and sell/donate the one your MIL provided.

    #1001511 Reply
    avatargolfer.gal
    Guest

    Yeah, you have a boyfriend problem not a mother in law problem. This is a big, stalker level problem. Like, change the locks and seriously rethink your relationship with her problem.

    But if your boyfriend doesn’t have your back and won’t tell her to stop – which is 100% his job to do, he’s the one setting up a dynamic of you vs the two of them. He is the issue here. He cares about his mother’s desire to baby him and feel needed more than he cares about you feeling secure, wanted, and comfortable in your own home. He knows damn well what’s she’s doing isn’t ok and he’s gaslighting you and choosing his mommy over you. That’s fucked up. And that is often a really hard dynamic to change. I would think seriously about whether you want this to be the rest of your life, because it will be. If I were you I’d sit him down and tell him you won’t live this way and figure out a way for you to get your equity back and your name off the deed.

    #1001525 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    Definitely a boyfriend problem not only in allowing his mother to intrude on your life but why is it your job to clean the house? Next time she does it (because she will) why not thank her and say that your glad that she’s cleaning up after her messy messy son.

    When she starts to get angry you can tell her if she had been a better parent then her son would know how to be an adult and clean up after himself.

    I’m not really advising it but man, it would force him to pick a side pretty quickly.

    #1001576 Reply
    avatarHelen
    Guest

    Make it clear to your bf how much this bothers you and that the relationship is in jeopardy if he doesn’t rein in his mother. He grew up with her overbearing tendencies so it might seem normal to him. It’s not. If he doesn’t make a real attempt to stop her, break up with him. Don’t sign up for that life. She will make you miserable in your own home. Probably move in eventually.

    #1001619 Reply
    avatarHazel
    Participant

    Go to her house next time she’s out and reorganise all her kitchen cabinets for her, it’s the least you can do to repay her kindness. Maybe change around some of her living room furniture while you are there, and hang nicer pictures on her walls. Seriously, though, you have to tackle your partner about this; before it becomes a huge ongoing issue which makes you feel invaded in what ought to be your private space.

    #1001650 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    Stevie – whose name is on the mortgage?
    If by chance your name isn’t on the mortgage and you have not invested anything regarding the purchase of the home, I would get out and request b/f to go to couple’s counseling so he can see that his mothers behavior/actions are inappropriate, like extremely inappropriate. If he isnt receptive then yeah, run!

    WHY THE HELL DO WOMEN DO THIS!! It’s like some weird female domination thing of I’m the better women or some weird passive aggressive insertion of trying to get rid of the other women because “no women is good enough for my son”.

    Are you two playing house without any legal contract to protect your investment? If so, you better contact a lawyer ASAP.

    Good for you for taking the initiative of trying to set boundaries with his weird a** mother. He should be addressing her as well. This should be a tag team effort with him as the front man.

    I have to ask though, how long have you guys been dating to not notice his mothers inappropriate behavior and addressing it early on?

    #1001657 Reply
    avatarKarebear1813
    Participant

    Why does she even have a key?

    It would be worth the investment to by a keyless lock and a security system to monitor who is coming and going. This women probably done made copies of the house key.

    #1001730 Reply
    avatarBittergaymark
    Guest

    Bizarre. I swear I have read this letter somewhere else. Quite a while ago, too. But kitchen table… it’s not too your taste. Right… It’s also not new and can’t be returned. Just wait. This will be in an update real soon.

    At any rate… Yes… the table is definitely boundary crossing. Maddenly so. But I wish somebody would clean my apartment and bring me dinner.

    #1001742 Reply
    avatarele4phant
    Guest

    You have a boyfriend problem.

    Assuming you two are paying for this home all on your lonesome, this is super weird*. It should be his job to enforce boundaries with his mothers, but that he won’t, that he won’t even see that there’s an issue, is a super big red flag.

    Today it’s your home, tomorrow it’s how you raise your kid.

    *Even if she was helping you out financially, either in part or even in full, I do think there’s a base level of people should get to create a home they feel comfortable in living in, just because someone else is paying does it mean they have to cede total control and live in someone else’s vision; albeit they should expect a little more input than they would otherwise get.

    #1001761 Reply
    avatarstevie
    Guest

    a little back history we’ve been together for 4 years and she’s not officially my mother in law we’ve just been together so long I call her that. the house is in his name . my credit was not good enough to be added onto the mortgage but we pay the bills solely on our income. she has always said she loves to clean and she used to clean houses for a living. I honestly never saw it as a bf problem until now. and yes I’ve thought about the whole thing that today it’s the house and tomorrow it will be I’m not raising his child good enough for her. honestly you and I have never had problems like this before. we both lived with his parents last year to save money to buy a home but she didn’t come in our room and clean it. he actually hates when she would try to clean his car when he would be home. so I’m hoping that he sides with me and respects my concerns.

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