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Dear Wendy

BFs mother I feel is crossing boundaries

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Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 28 total)
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  • #1001779 Reply

    See a lawyer, pronto. You are both paying on the house, but when it is fully paid for, it will be 100% his. As an unmarried couple, you as gf have no rights. Anything you’ve contributed will likely be treated as rent, yet you don’t even have the protection of a normal renter with a formal lease. You object to your sort-of MIL coming into your house and cleaning and making changes, but it isn’t your house; you have no interest in the house; it is 100% her son’s house. A lawyer can protect your interests.

    You make a mistake when you decide to move into your bf’s parents’ house. That put you in a dependent position from the get-go.

    You’ve been with bf for 4 years and you aren’t happy. It sounds like it’s time to move out. Your bf prioritizes his relationship with his mother over his relationship with you. You sound very unhappy. Why haven’t you left?

    #1001790 Reply

    You can be added to the title. Get that done. It’s a pretty nominal fee to file a quit claim with the County to add your name to the title of the house

    If he’s not willing to do that, I mean, you are kind of in perilous straits here. You are paying towards an asset but not an owner of said asset and in line to benefit from said asset, and as ron notes, you also don’t have tenant rights (although, I’m not lawyer, you probably do have some official rights as someone that has lived there awhile and established residency that could be proved in court – but that’s far messier).

    #1001824 Reply

    If I bought a house with my own money, I would not add a partner to the title just because that person was my partner. No way. I especially wouldn’t do it if that person had poor credit. If the partner is paying part of the mortgage, then — yes — that is a rental agreement, not a right to be added to the title and get equity.

    If you can’t afford a lawyer, LW, then go to your local legal aid office to find out what your rights are re: the house. If a large repair is needed, for example, you need to know that the OWNER of the house pays for that repair, not the renter.

    #1002784 Reply

    So I think FYI’s post is really getting at the heart of the matter.

    The OP thinks she and her boyfriend bought this house together, that she’s not on the title because she had bad credit so they left her off the loan documents but aside from that technicality this is their shared house (and if she pitched in with the down payment, I mean then I would say she did).

    The boyfriend may view it very differently, and as the sole owner on the title, this creates a problem for her and speaks to a bigger issue in how they are on different pages in the relationship.

    I’m not necessarily saying he *should* add her to the title just as a show of affection (again assuming she didn’t help make it possible for him to buy it in the first place by helping with the downpayment) but they need to have some serious come to Jesus conversations about where the other is on the relationship.

    #1002842 Reply

    Eh… Truly. It depends on how much money she pays in rent. I suspect it’s no where near half the mortgage. I’d bet a lot on that actually.

    #1002854 Reply

    Yeah, I really have no idea what her situation is, how much – if anything – she kicked in to help with the down payment, or how much she contributes to the monthly cost.

    BUT, the way they phrased her letter indicates she *thinks* they bought this house together – not that he bought a house and asked her to move in with him. He may have VERY different assumptions about the situation.

    My goal is just to point out this gap and encourage her to talk about to him about it ASAP. I’m not trying to weigh in on whose right or wrong, or if or when she’s contributed enough financially to ethically consider herself as having a stake in this property.

    The OP and her boyfriend seem to be on very different planes – both in the housing situation and what sort of access his mother has into their lives, so she needs to talk to him and understand where he stands on the house and more broadly, their relationship, pronto.

    #1002888 Reply

    One other thought – on the flip side of this, did his mother help buy this house? You say she’s not helping with the monthly bills, but did she give you (or more specifically her son) a big chunk of cash for the down payment? And/or is she on the loan because she, unlike you, has good credit that was needed to secure the loan? If her involvement was in some way instrumental to the purchase of this house – that could explain why she feels so entitled to be doing what she has been. She may too feel she has a legitimate claim to this house.

    Basically – you all need to flesh out who owns this house, who paid for it, who does or does not get to control it and what that means for the other.

    I’m not saying this from a legal standpoint so much, but like literally, I don’t think you all are on the same page here and you need to be. Talk to your boyfriend.

    If either you, or his mother, or both of you both helped him buy this house by giving him money for the down payment, what does he think that means? Were those loans? Is he going to repay you/her? Were those gifts? What the heck does he think is going on here?

    #1004006 Reply

    Crazy stalker stuff, change your locks. Sell the table and get what you want. Get a video door bell. Get counseling with your boyfriend about his unwillingness to create boundaries with his mom.

    I can’t say I would be upset if someone cleaned my house for me…

    #1004176 Reply

    Crossing boundaries is an understatement! But you have no leverage. Not your house, not your money. You are just the girlfriend who makes the mistake to pay rent to a BF who pays the mortgage of his own house. You are the total loser here.
    You can’t change the locks as it is not your property. You can’t discipline his mother as your BF won’t listen and she probably paid for that house.
    So you have got two options: quit (my choice); withhold your rent till the mother stops trespassing. Something tells me the only thing this guy understands is money.
    Start also to say no: ugly not-your-style table? “NO, no way” (no “not my style”, “thanks but…”). And get rid of that table. Put it on sale on internet.
    Just get rid of all what she brings, resell it or give it away.
    And say “thanks, MIL” when she cleans your place. Don’t compete with her for the cleaning: such an uninteresting contest. She will soon tire to be your cleaning lady, believe me, if you hint that you consider her as such.

    #1004193 Reply

    Brise — she can’t sell the table or anything else. As you say, it’s not her house. It’s also not her table. The table is either a loan from MIL or a gift from MIL to LW’s bf. In either case, it is not hers to sell. She has only two choices. Before she makes the choice, she needs a lay-it-all-on-the-table discussion with bf. She is unhappy, this is what she needs to stay. Then, depending upon what her bf is willing to agree to, she can choose to stay under that agreement or she can leave. If she chooses to stay, then the bf is responsible for enforcing their agreement with his mother. If he can’t, then she has a tougher choice: leave or tolerate whatever comes from a no-boundaries MIL.

    Leaving doesn’t mean she has to break up with bf, although probably for the best if the two go together. They can live apart and continue to date. If he doesn’t like the reduced convenience, her share of expenses and housework, then he knows how to convince her to continue living with him.

    #1004227 Reply

    Yeah, technically, she hasn’t the right to sell this table.
    But technically, as she pays rent, she has the right to oppose to unannounced visits, especially in her absence. This is trespassing. Except if the mother is the owner, but even then, an owner can’t just trespass without notice at a rented place.
    I would just quit if I were the LW. So boring to deal with a mad mother-in-law wannabe. But if she stays, she should request a rental contract and then specify an article about visits and use of the keys. She does have some rights, all renters have minimal rights. She should get a lawyer and have it written down.

    #1004229 Reply

    And as she pays rent, she has also a say about the furniture. One can’t add furniture without the agreement of the renting party, I guess.

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