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November 9, 2020 at 12:46 pm #964164LizzieGuest
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7months, we’re both age range 25-30. We both like going out for a drink but him and his friends also sometimes do cocaine. Three times now he has got drunk, done cocaine and I’ve told him that I don’t like it when he does it. After the first time he said he wouldn’t do it again because he knows I don’t like it but it has happened twice since. He has never done it in front of me.
Last week (the third time) he was playing Fifa upstairs while I watched TV. He was drinking from 4pm onwards. At first it was going to be a couple of end of the week ciders but then after about 6 he moved onto gin and tonic.
I said I was going to bed and he said he was going to go to the shop to buy more lemonade. He woke me up at 7am to tell me that he’d done cocaine. He had apparently bumped into a friend at the shop and he had given him some. He says he didn’t seek it out himself. I told him that I felt like he’d disrespected me because he knows I don’t like it/said he wouldn’t do it again. Also explained that I worry about his health (mental and physical) when he does it.
He only wants cocaine when he is drunk so I feel like the problem is mostly stemming from the drinking. When we drink he does go a bit too far and wants to carry on when we should probably be stopping. When it’s just me and him he doesn’t mention or seek out cocaine.
As well as this, I saw that he was last seen on snapchat at 6am and his snapchat score (which. When I asked about snapchat (subtly) he said he hadn’t been on since he’d last sent one to me. The next part is very bad on my part I know, but I looked at his phone and a girl who wasn’t on his friends list was top of the people he had most recently contacted but he had deleted the chat.- I can’t be sure that I’m right but I also can’t really bring it up as I’m in the wrong for looking trough his phone.
Any advice would be great, Thank you.November 9, 2020 at 1:39 pm #964166KateKeymaster
You should break up with him. Why? You’re not compatible, he seems to have a drink/drug problem, and you don’t trust him.
He has a lifestyle that’s just not compatible with yours. And it’s what he wants and prefers. You’ve said how you feel about it, and he’s not changing. Might his lifestyle look different at 40 than it does at 30? Maybe. Maybe not. But you can’t wait around to find out.
And you don’t trust him. Your gut tells you he’s not committed to you, and you shouldn’t ignore that.
This isn’t the right relationship for you.November 9, 2020 at 2:10 pm #964169FYIGuest
“He had apparently bumped into a friend at the shop and he had given him some.” HAHAHAHHAAAAaaaahhhhaaa! No, that didn’t happen. You don’t just bump into people and get coke. They met up there.
However. Just because he does something you don’t want him to do, that doesn’t mean he “disrespected” you. Respect does not = “do what I want.” He sounds like a loser, but he gets to live however he wants to. Then you get to decide if you want that in your life or not.
But do get clear that no one owes you compliance, unless they’re your kid. Sometimes not even then.November 9, 2020 at 2:13 pm #964170ronGuest
Yes, this is going to end very badly for both of you, if you don’t MOA, pronto. He seems an almost guaranteed crash and burn. If he only does coke when he’s drunk, that means alcohol totally overwhelms any self-control he has, meaning you can’t really trust what else he will do in future. He’s not at all a good match for you. A relationship with a serious addict, which he is (alcohol for sure, cocaine on the way) is volunteering for hell. Whatever good points he has can’t make up for that.November 9, 2020 at 2:17 pm #964171ronGuest
FYI — yes, he certainly did disrespect her. He lied to her. He broke his agreement with her (repeatedly). If he said something like “this is who I am, stop trying to change me, I’ll do alcohol and drugs whenever I want to” that would not be disrespecting her. Lying and obviously playing her for his fool — that is disrespectful. But, you’re 100% correct that all she can do is to decide whether or not she can live with this. Is it a deal-breaker? She needs to decide that knowing that she can’t change him and that this is only going to get worse.November 9, 2020 at 2:17 pm #964172HazelParticipant
He may change as he gets older, he may not, but currently, you are not compatible, and it’s probably best to part your ways. I mean no offence to cocaine users who manage their use, I’m sure there are plenty of those (and who aren’t going against promises to their partner) but folks on coke on top of drink can sometimes be the most annoying people on the planet if you are relatively sober and straight.This isn’t a recipe for a happy healthy relationship.The deleted convo was probably him setting up to score if he’s given you no other indication of infidelity.November 9, 2020 at 2:19 pm #964173anonymousseParticipant
You need to leave him. He’s addicted to coke, he’s a binge drinker, he’s snap chatting other women. And lying to you.November 9, 2020 at 2:43 pm #964174CopaParticipant
What everyone else said, but also it sounds like your trust issues go beyond substance use if you’re looking at Snapchat to see when he was last active and keeping track of his Snapchat score. This is bad even without the snooping (which, yes, is bad). Seven months in and you now know that you’re not compatible and that you do not trust him. Time to move on and feel glad you didn’t spend more time on him!November 9, 2020 at 3:20 pm #964176KateKeymaster
A couple of other comments… I know we’re in pandemic times and maybe that affects things, but it’s a bad sign that after only 7 months of dating, couple time consists of him playing video games upstairs while you watch TV. And, in my experience, people who get drunk on mixed drinks at home are alcoholics. My first husband had started doing that. He’d start on the vodka and be like, I enjoy a Bloody Mary! Except it was evening and he’d drink several before bed.November 9, 2020 at 4:28 pm #964179anonymousseParticipant
Also, no one bumps into someone at the store and just gives them cocaine. It’s expensive, it’s not something you carry around packaged for single use to hand out to your friends, unless you are a drug dealer and they pay you.
Is this the kind of relationship you want? He’s a drunk and an addict, who is freely lying to you about his habits, chatting up other women and leaving in the night to buy hard drugs while you sleep. This sounds like a really bad start to a big mistake.
At seven months in, you should still trust your new bf. But you don’t (for good reason, but regardless.) This isn’t it.November 9, 2020 at 4:42 pm #964180veritek33Participant
I had a boyfriend that “only did drugs occasionally” and it ended up being every single day. He hid it at the beginning because he knew I didn’t like it and I didn’t do it. But then I got attached and he started being more open about it and by the end he was drinking and doing drugs every single day.
I would not be surprised if your boyfriend has done cocaine more than three times since he’s been with you. He’s just told you about the three times.
I suggest you get out now, don’t make the same mistakes I did and think you can get him to stop or change.November 10, 2020 at 8:28 am #964195LisforLeslieGuest
Yeah – you have to break up with him. He’s lying about his drinking and drugs because he knows the truth will upset you. That is addiction behavior 101. The friend offering coke happens only when both have done coke together often enough that it’s a commonality. Also replace the word coke with any other legal substance and you can see how not normal this is.
“Hey good to see you! I have some peppermints in the car, you want some?” He may not have been seeking peppermints – but it’s not like the friend could toss him the peppermint in the shop.