Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Birthday advice

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This topic contains 33 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by Copa Copa 5 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 34 total)
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  • #742856 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Sounds like you are only really pushing this because you feel like she spent too much on your bday and you have to reciprocate? That’s not a good reason. If the friendship fizzled, it fizzled. You wouldn’t expect your ex boyfriend to take you out to dinner on your bday after you broke up just because you took him out on his bday before you broke up, would you? So then why have that expectation with a (former) friend?

    If you are trying to salvage the friendship then I suggest try one more time but actually do the work. You’re basically like “you do all the work to plan your bday and then I’ll swoop in and pay for it and take all the credit.” Planning is work. Emotional labor is work. If you want to take her out for her bday then you need to do the work not just be the financier. Propose a date and a time and a specific activity or restaurant and ask her if she wants to come.

    And as an aside, perhaps consider if the relationship is fizzling because you expect her to do the emotional labor most of the time.

    #742863 Reply

    -but I will never understand the new phrase “been a minute” to indicate a long time.
    -Wait. Is that a thing? Been a minute to mean taking a long time?

    This may be a bit nit picky but I kinda hate when white people disparage colloquialisms used by people of color. POC have their own way of communicating. It’s not wrong, it’s one more factor of OUR experience in the U.S.!
    If you don’t understand what she’s saying, Google that shit. The people who understand the phase, understand the context and nuance.

    As a side note, it’s not all that new (new to you, maybe) but it’s been used in the African American community for at least 10 years.

    #742869 Reply

    Although I’m white , I fully agree with Cleo…I use that phrase , among others quiet often, yet people usually get what I’m saying..I was pretty confused at the confusion here

    #742876 Reply
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    JD

    OMG it isn’t about race it is about a phrase used that means the opposite of it’s intent. EVERY FLIPPING THING is not about race. Furthermore I brought it up and you have zero knowledge of my race so who is using that as a factor now? Not me.

    #742877 Reply

    BUT i know it’s a moot point and has nothing positive to add to the advice, so I’ll be quiet now 🙂

    #742878 Reply
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    Kate

    Agree… I didn’t get the confusion either. I love new phrases. Every time I see my friend T from NYC, she has some new ones for me. If I read something online I don’t get, I google it or check urban dictionary.

    https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=its%20been%20a%20minute&amp=true&defid=9082260

    #742881 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    I’m sorry I have offended and didn’t take the time to google it. There are so many new (or new to me) phrases that pop up all the time that I hear. When I read it, I took the literal meaning of “been a minute” so I asked about it. I was not asking to be disparaging. I was asking because it was new to me and I was genuinely curious.

    #742882 Reply
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    JD

    OM freakign God. Whatever. I can think it’s odd to say the opposite. I don’t feel some need to be SO PC that phrases don’t even make sense. Whatever. I swear I who cares! It’s odd. Up is not down, black is not white, purple is not green. It’s not worth this much flipping though. How freaking exhausting.

    #742883 Reply

    Furthermore I brought it up and you have zero knowledge of my race so who is using that as a factor now?

    So whenever a person says, ‘don’t do this because it makes the people who are using the phase uncomfortable’, it becomes ZOMG, YOU’RE MAKING THIS ABOUT RACE AND WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ABOUT RACE?!?!?!?!

    Um, it’s because your particular comment had an undertone of derision to it. This particular phrase originated in the black community, so even if the LW isn’t black you have decided that this phrase is invalid because you don’t understand it.

    And if this is a ‘new phrase’ to you, that tells me everything that I need to know about your race.

    #742887 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I also am super white and have heart it before. Although I think it probably comes out better in spoken word because tone helps provide context.

    But I mean its not really anything new to have a figure of speech mean its exact opposite. Think of how “literally” is the new “figuratively” or “ain’t never” is a double-negative but still means a negative.

    There is no such thing as a definitive meaning for a word or phrase. Language is a living organism that evolves and changes through use. Insistence on an absolute correct form of grammar is both racist and ageist in that it punishes those who use racial and/or youthful slang for not conforming to the rules of those in power. Only the funny thing is all those middle aged white dudes insisting on “the right way” once were young and likely participated in developing their own generation’s slang that probably pissed off the previous generations just as much.

    See also: https://ideas.ted.com/20-words-that-once-meant-something-very-different/

    #742891 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Also from that TED talk linked at the bottom of that page I shared, here’s something very relevant to this discussion:
    “Now, a few weeks before our vote [for most creative word of the year], Lake Superior State University issues its list of banished words for the year. What is striking about this is that there’s actually often quite a lot of overlap between their list and the list that we are considering for words of the year, and this is because we’re noticing the same thing. We’re noticing words that are coming into prominence. It’s really a question of attitude. Are you bothered by language fads and language change, or do you find it fun, interesting, something worthy of study as part of a living language?”

    Language is ever changing. If you don’t like it, I suggest you start learning Middle English. Or German and french since English is just a fad derivative language entirely. Or maybe we should all go back to communicating in grunts and hoots so as not to ever evolve past our original language.

    #742941 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I had no idea it was a phrase let alone a phrase used by people of color. I thought it was autocorrect changing it to the wrong word. I was assuming she meant month instead of minute. I think we all just try to make sense of what we read.

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