- This topic has 61 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 6 months, 3 weeks ago by Fyodor.
July 4, 2019 at 3:24 pm #847014
BoF’s* brother, who is a gigantic jerk, is getting engaged and wants to have a fancy destination wedding. He’s talked in the past about having it at remote islands only accessible by boat. I know that it’s going to be wildly expensive and a gigantic pain to travel to, especially since we’re going with SoF*. I will probably also have to go to some kind of out of town bachelor party with his friends.
I can’t really even whine about it to BOF because she doesn’t like him either and the dynamics surrounding her parents and her brother stress her out and I don’t want to upset her further with my griping.
It’s not the world’s worst problem, but blehhhh.
*Bride of Fyodor
** Spawn of FyodorJuly 4, 2019 at 6:11 pm #847019ronGuest
A scheduling or financial problem can prevent you from attending. People who plan weddings like this really deserve to have all of their young married friends and family not show up. Vacations and cash are limited at your age and travel logistics with kids are tough. If BoF’s brother and future wife have single and retired friends/family who view this as an exciting adventure — good for them. A lot of declined invitations, including from F and BoF are to be expected. It they get snitty, tell them and parents that they didn’t exactly plan a practical wedding and it didn’t suit you.July 4, 2019 at 6:43 pm #847021SkyblossomParticipant
I’d decide to not go. I’d probably decide it doesn’t fit into my budget.July 4, 2019 at 7:23 pm #847022
We can afford it in the literal sense, and it will significantly upset BoF’s parents if we don’t go. I would just rather have the money for other things like, savings/investment or something more enjoyable, like hiring a stranger to punch me in the face repeatedly.July 4, 2019 at 7:24 pm #847023
Also BoF feels obligated to go and I wouldn’t want her to have to deal with her brother, who is often an asshole to her, alone.July 4, 2019 at 7:36 pm #847025anonymousseParticipant
Are any concrete plans made yet? I’d wait and see. I have frequently declined destination weddings.July 4, 2019 at 7:57 pm #847027
No concrete plans yet. He is ring shopping but has talked to BoF’s mother about how he’s going to do a destination wedding and many of his friends have done so at massively inconvenient locations.
But BoF feels pretty strongly that we need to go and I think she’s probably right that it would be really upsetting to her parents if we didn’t go.July 4, 2019 at 8:05 pm #847028keybladeMember
“I will probably also have to go to some kind of out of town bachelor party with his friends.”
This seems to be a good time for an early migraine, a spa massage, a stiff drink, and an evening of yet unseen movie or shows (though the personal face time, travel, hotel room, and inevitable meal/drink contribution will be an understandable irritation.)
As far as the trip goes, is there any chance your wife will balk at her parents and brothers overly-burdensome plans and you’ll get to support her in her understandable outrage and personal growth? Any chance of a Bridezilla taking over and your BIL acquiescing his remote island nuptials for some other more accessible location her once-in-a-lifetime unequivocal dream that “nanna” can come to?
I suppose you could try to get ahead of it and plan your own vacation which is close by with your in-laws to trim the time you’re at their mercy and planning. Maybe your wife can extricate you and her child by bribing them with a additional summer visit to them or flying them in for a few extra days around Hanukkah? A surprise anniversary gift for them to Miami or Palm Springs? Only so much money to go around…
Sorry, it’s a hard spot sometimes between being a supportive husband, setting an example for your child, and staying on neutral to good-terms with the in-laws. And it’s trickier if your wife’s brother is well-off, showed up for your wedding events, not to look as though you’re stingy and cheap.
Or maybe spawn may have a deep humanitarian awakening this year and in lieu of travelling on isolated tour on Minnow, your brother-in-law’s niece will be raising money for Puerto Rico or contributing to re-foresting North California in brother-in-law and his lucky bride-to-be’s distinguished honor.
I hope it works out, or doesn’t as the JBILoF* has planned it.
*jerk brother in lawJuly 4, 2019 at 8:20 pm #847030
He kind of sits in a weird spot. My non professional world is mostly divided into (a) people I care about, who I can usually expect to not be terrible and (b) people I don’t care about, who I can disregard.
Unfortunately, BoF’s parents, who I love and have generally been very good to us are also very protective of him, so he is both terrible and someone I have to accommodate to some degree.
I may be able to get out of the bachelor party, depending on where it’s being held. Maybe I can fake a stroke.July 4, 2019 at 9:35 pm #847031keybladeMember
At least you can feel good getting to see and extend good-will to them. Perhaps they are a bit protective and enabling, but it sounds like maybe all of you benefit from it. And maybe Spawn will enjoy seeing all the adults gathered, together. Maybe brother’s future wife will be less abrasive and mature than him. Maybe you’ll be able to relate to him more when he’s married. I generally find weddings somewhat uncomfortable socially but they are almost never as uncomfortable as I think they are going to be and sometimes much more fun than I expected.
It’ll be fine. He’ll probably be too busy and focused on himself and his soon-to-be wife to pay much attention to your small family.July 5, 2019 at 12:34 am #847043AngeGuest
He might change his mind after a heap of other friends decide they don’t want the financial burden of attending and he doesn’t want an empty wedding, you never know.July 5, 2019 at 7:03 am #847051MaltaKanoGuest
I feel for you – this is annoying. You can totally get out of the bachelor party. Just make up some work commitment, or say the destination travel has maxed out your travel budget for the year. He and his friends probably don’t care whether you’re there anyway.
And I guess just try to think of the wedding as a potentially fun family vacation? Find lots of little opportunities to sneak off with just the Fyodors. Like keyblade says, hopefully the SOF will make a lot of good memories being around the whole family.