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Boyfriend and stripclubs

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  • #684427 Reply
    Elzee
    Guest

    My boyfriend (who I want to marry) is going to vegas in a month for 5 days and they’re going to a strip club. He told me about it far in advance, but he previously told me that stripclubs are just a joke, strippers are gross, and has never gotten a lapdance before because it’s not his thing. I believed him because he is a good guy. Turns out he lied about never having a lapdance before, he is in fact had 10+ including touching the women. I am appalled to say the least… mostly because a) he lied to me, b) I’m confused about the guy I thought he was because I just find this so sleezy and generally degrading to women, and c) if clearly stripclubs don’t make him uncomfortable and he has no problem with strippers, how am I supposed to trust him when he goes? To be clear, he told me he won’t get a lapdance but I find that people are always going to end up doing what they want to do. I do know that there are guys out there that think stripclubs are gross and don’t really have any interest in going, and I guess I just always thought he was that type of guy. even if he tells me he’s just going for a bachelor party, he has definitely enjoyed himself in the past. This is also only the beginning as he’s 30 and all of his friends are starting to get married. I am sure a lot of you are going to say that I’m insecure and yea you’re right I probably am a little bit. I guess I’m just looking for some comfort here- How have other women on here learned to just get over it and how to ignore the sick feeling in your stomach? Should I have to just “get over it”?

    #684434 Reply

    FWIW, I think your issue is less about insecurity and more about that he lied to you about the number of times that he went to strip clubs, and how he felt about strip clubs. You can’t trust him because he did untrustworthy stuff. I think you have to focus on that and figure out how you feel about the lies and obvious deception.

    Strip club is a red herring, swap gambling and casinos for strip club & strippers, and I’d bet you’d still feel the same way about the situation.

    #684439 Reply
    Janelle
    Guest

    Lying about a strip club is like a kid lying about taking the cookie. Doesn’t make the person deceitful, they just are avoiding your reaction.

    Most men have gone to strip clubs. It is in fact something you’ll have to get over otherwise the dating pool will be very small.

    You need to trust him not to cheat not to not go somewhere you don’t approve of. You are not his mother.

    #684441 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    I dunno

    I think that getting lapdances in his youth may be the kind of thing that (A) he is genuinely embarrassed about and understands reflects poorly on him and (B) the kind of thing in one’s past like sexual history that maybe people aren’t obligated to be completely truthful about or at the very least not being completely truthful isn’t some kind of cardinal sin.

    Did he do any of this stuff while you were with him or only before?

    #684446 Reply
    Angel
    Guest

    How did you find out about the lies did he confess before or after you confronted him, and when did the lap dances happen before you were together, engaged or recently. Depending on when these things happened fyodor may be right, and he may be embarrassed but wants to save face in front of his friends. You need to determine how you want your relationship to go if he is afraid of your reaction then you are setting yourself up to be lied to, and you have to take into account how much his friends opinions mean to him and if he is ready for marriage if they mean too much. But if he is afraid of your judgement he will lie to save your relationship.

    #684447 Reply

    It feels deceptive to me because he acted all skeeved out about strip clubs & strippers then we find out that he has been to strip clubs (multiple times), AND engaged in touching & lap dances with strippers. It makes me wonder why he would even lie about something this inconsequential.

    He very well could have owned that he had been to strip clubs (but omitted the gritty details of what he did there), and it wouldn’t have felt like he was being deceptive.

    I’m not saying it’s a red flag but it’s definitely a yellow or pink flag, and LW should figure out how she feels about it.

    #684448 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    He lied to you. About something he knew you’d look at him differently for. And you do view him differently for this.

    Are you sure that’s the guy for you?

    And yes, there are plenty of guys who think it’s gross and degrading to women.

    #684450 Reply
    Elzee
    Guest

    Thanks everyone. To be clear the lap dances were all before. But he lied to me about them while we were together obviously.

    #684452 Reply
    Janelle
    Guest

    I just don’t get why this is a big deal. Same with the porn stuff we constantly see posted. I guess I’ll never understand.

    #684453 Reply
    Northern Star
    Guest

    People lie about stuff to avoid uncomfortable talks/fights. Happens all the time. But when you find out someone is doing that regarding sex, it’s not a huge leap to wonder if that will be an ongoing pattern.

    Makes sense. I don’t know how I’d handle it. Depends on whether your boyfriend lied because he thinks it’s not a big deal, so your distaste is an overreaction—or if he’s embarrassed about his past behavior and doesn’t want you thinking he’s a creep. Probably you should talk to him and find out why he lied.

    #684455 Reply
    Fyodor
    Guest

    “It feels deceptive to me because he acted all skeeved out about strip clubs & strippers then we find out that he has been to strip clubs (multiple times), AND engaged in touching & lap dances with strippers. It makes me wonder why he would even lie about something this inconsequential.”

    Because it doesn’t reflect well on him? Because he doesn’t like that he did it and doesn’t want to make her think less of him. Because he feels that she would react out of proportion to its current day relevance.

    I just don’t buy this idea that everyone owes their partner a full accounting of every inappropriate thing they did before the couple was together. I guess that he shouldn’t have affirmatively lied, but I think it’s a minor sin in this context.

    “He very well could have owned that he had been to strip clubs (but omitted the gritty details of what he did there), and it wouldn’t have felt like he was being deceptive.”

    I don’t see where he he told her that he hadn’t been to strip clubs before.

    #684460 Reply

    @Fyodor,
    Hmm, I think we are arguing different aspects of the same point.

    I don’t think he owed her full disclosure of what he did in the clubs but if the question was brought up, he could have went with, ‘yes, but that was when I was younger…blah,blah,blah.’ Instead he feigned some kind of pretend disgust that she would even ask him about strip clubs. That’s what bothers me.

    Also, we don’t know the conversation that led up to why he felt he needed to lie, so we may be missing some context. She could have voiced some strong dislike for strip clubs, and he didn’t want to deal with her reaction.

    I don’t care either way about strip clubs or porn, so I’d never personally have this conversation with my SO unless it started to take over our lives.

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