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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

boyfriend cancelled move-in

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  • #1100354 Reply
    turtletaub
    Guest

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, we’re 20 and 23. We have been planning moving in together and it was all based around this one job he had all but promised to take. He was happy and it was his choice, no pressure from me I made sure of that. I am in a pretty toxic household at the moment so I was relieved and so excited to start a life with him. Two months before move-in he sprung on me that he decided to take another job which pays less and will separate us for a year at the least, all because a high school friend was working on the same project. I have never even met her and have only heard her mentioned once. I’m not jealous of her, but I am very hurt by him. I feel like I can’t see through the fog enough right now to understand whether or not I have the right to be upset. He just told me, I congratulated him and excused myself to bed as we are visiting family. This will cut our time short as well as his last project recently paused. I don’t want to break up but I cannot have an absent partner for a year. I love him and would do anything for him, I just need an outside POV.

    #1100366 Reply
    Miss MJ
    Guest

    It seems like your boyfriend doesn’t want to move in with you and this relationship may have run it’s course. This is his way of not having to be a bad guy and break up with you, but, well, de facto breaking up with you. I’m sorry. I know it hurts.

    But, that didn’t mean you have to stay in a toxic situation. You can still move out, you just need a roommate instead of a boyfriend if you can’t financially swing it on your own.

    So, look into doing that. If you have a job, start looking at what you can afford. If you don’t work, get a job, start saving and look into what you can afford. If you’re in school, see about scholarships, grants, loans or other financial assistance for housing. If your toxic situation is abusive, reach out to shelters, charities, religious institutions or other resources in your area for help.

    You’re not stuck just because your boyfriend changed his plans. Be the driver of your own life.

    Good luck!

    #1100368 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Agree, if you have the means to move in with your boyfriend, then use those means to get into a roommate situation so you’re out of the toxic home situation and living independently. If you really didn’t have the means to move in with him, then it sounds like you would have been relying on him financially, which I don’t think is a good idea. You need to be able to find your own way in the world, and not start out being dependent on a man. That sets you up for a relationship with a power imbalance and a situation where you can’t leave if things get rough.

    The other issue here, which sucks to realize, is that your boyfriend is, at best, not on the same page as you, and at worst, looking for an out. That’s upsetting, but much better than if you’d moved in together and then came to this realization.

    Whatever happens next, you should turn your attention and efforts to building your independence and income potential so that you can get out of your current situation and have a stable life.

    #1100370 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    You don’t mention how long you’ve actually been together. If it’s less than a year, then I’d say that moving in with one another is a bit fast. And as the others point out, your primary motivation is to get out of your current situation. Moving in with a significant other should not be done under duress.

    Your boyfriend may love you, but he’s making choices that are best for him right now, and I can’t really fault him for that. He’s giving you enough lead time that you can make new plans and those plans may not include him.

    #1100372 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster
    #1100373 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    I do think objectively, if you have plans to move in and your bf suddenly takes a job that pays less, requires him to move and not see you for a year, he’s effectively breaking up with you.

    I agree if your motivation to move is almost purely to get out of your toxic situation, that’s just not a great reason to move in with your bf. It seems he wasn’t communicating with you honestly about what he wanted at all. I’m sorry, but I think it’s time to move on. Save up, move out and do not rely on other people to be your lifeline. Good luck.

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