October 29, 2020 at 1:37 am #963786JayGuest
My boyfriend is 23 and I am 20. We have been dating for 2 years now, and I feel that he isn’t putting much effort into me. I make a lot less money than him, yet I still work my butt off to treat him. I spend a good amount of money each holiday to buy him gifts. I surprise him with food and I do favors for him, to show that I care. Once I even paid his rent when he was in need. He has never paid for a date, I always pay for our dates.
Despite all that, he has not spent a dime on me. I know it’s not about money but I was sad when he didn’t give me even a card for Valentine’s Day. It hurt when he didn’t give me even a cheap anniversary present or flowers.
He has a close relationship with his friends & family and I feel like he prioritizes them over me. When it comes to them, he works his butt off to be able to afford to spend money on them. He takes his parents out to eat and pays for them and buys them new electronics and designer items, despite him not having much money. Whenever his friends birthdays come up, he picks up extra shifts at work to be able to afford to buy them gifts.
I guess I just feel really hurt by this. I spend so much money on him but he can’t even remember me on holidays, despite him spending so much on his friends / family on holidays.
I’ve tried talking to him 2 weeks ago and he apologized but he hasn’t made it up to me. He did buy me chocolate, but he still won’t pay for our dates. He just picked up extra shifts so he could buy his mom a designer bag, so I know if he wanted to he could work harder for me too.
I’m not sure if I should leave him or just completely stop investing money in him. I’ve had multiple talks with him and nothing changes. He says he wants to get engaged within the next couple years but his lack of kindness towards me makes me wonder if he’s the right one.
It sucks because I am very low on money and need some new shoes. He hasn’t offered to help me out, despite the fact that I always help him when he’s in need, and that he can spend hundreds on his friends and family.October 29, 2020 at 8:00 am #963794
You’re not imagining or overthinking anything. He really doesn’t prioritize you. He’s telling you that loud and clear when he lets you pay for all his meals and entertainment so he can indulge his family and friends. You can’t afford to pay for all this, so you need to stop. Let him know you can’t afford to pay for all the dates; you have to buy yourself necessities like shoes and winter clothes, and you need to have emergency savings. I think you know he’s not going to then step up and start paying his way. Or treating you. You’re going on all these dates because you’re planning and paying. He’s not that invested in the relationship. Give him a chance to step up, but if (when) he doesn’t, you should dump him. He’s telling you loud and clear that you’re not that important.October 29, 2020 at 8:16 am #963795
And if you stay with him during this year’s holidays, don’t buy him anything. Talk to him about how he wants to celebrate the holidays with you, and ask him what he wants to do about gifting. Gifts, no gifts, how much to spend? If he wants to gift, does he want to be surprised or is there something in particular he wants? Tell him what YOU want.
Stop surprising him and showering him with gifts. You’re doing way too much.October 29, 2020 at 9:46 am #963800Karebear1813Participant
I think you need to reprioritize your spending habits and relationship expectations. If you expect him to contribute or at least pay for x amount of dates then you should have been communicating it with him. It sounds like you are trying to buy his love. If he was low in rent you should have said “I can make a loan with you and you will need to pay me back because I am just as broke” or just plain out said “sorry no I don’t have it to give, I need to pay my bills.”
I think you need to figure out why you over kill yourself trying to show him how much he means to you.
I personally would break up with him since after 2yrs he hasn’t done squat but going into your next relationship, you really need to change your approach about how you invest in someone.
If you have expectations about how someone should be treating you then you should tell them this is what you expect but do not get upset when you over treat someone and feel they are not putting in the same energy. That’s on you.
Also, the first year you date someone, you shouldn’t be overspending or over treating that person with gifts. A simple gift for birthday and holiday should suffice. If the person likes a certain chocolate then sure surprise them on occasions with that but not new clothes or something that will dent your pocket book.October 29, 2020 at 9:54 am #963801Karebear1813Participant
I am super curious though as how does 2 yrs go by and not once does he pay for a date? Like, are you always offering to pay or do you even say can you pay and he says no. How has the topic seemingly appear to have been avoided for 2 yrs.October 29, 2020 at 10:17 am #963802
I’m curious about that too.
I also think there’s something fundamentally wrong with picking up extra shifts to buy your mom (or anyone) a designer bag. That suggests you cannot afford that bag and you do not have any savings. Designer bags are not necessities. No one should be buying stuff like that unless they’re debt-free and have plenty of savings. He can’t pay rent at times yet spends hundreds on family and friends? That’s irresponsible and dumb.
Anyway, don’t even think about marrying someone who doesn’ttry to do the things that would make you happy, and who makes questionable financial decisions.
October 29, 2020 at 11:30 am #963804ronGuest
- This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by Kate.
He sees himself as so super-desirable and out of your league that you basically have to purchase his time. Otherwise, adios. You have a very dysfunctional dynamic — I won’t say relationship dynamically, because what you have cannot truly be called a relationship.October 29, 2020 at 11:41 am #963805MoneypennyParticipant
I can only imagine how much debt this guy has at 23. The others have given good advice, and I will only add, do not go into debt for this guy, or any guy for that matter. Pay your own bills, get your winter shoes, take care of what you need first. If he wants to have a dinner date, make some spaghetti at home! He needs to step up but I don’t see that happening here, unfortunately.October 29, 2020 at 12:59 pm #963817FYIGuest
Holy crap, break up immediately. Do not, under any circumstances, ever get engaged to someone who doesn’t know how to handle their money. And he doesn’t. He has a very skewed idea of how money works (such as buying useless stuff he can’t afford for his parents, when he should be saving and paying his own frickin’ rent).
In other words, you could break up with him because he doesn’t pay for any dates, but you could also break up with him because he makes really bad decisions. Really bad.
Then, you can address your own financial decisions. Never, ever, ever, ever pay for someone else’s rent when you yourself are broke. Instead of wasting your time buying dates for this loser, you can spend that time learning about how your own money works. At 20, this is absolutely the best thing you can do for yourself. It will do wonders for your self-worth, and you will never have to wait for someone else to buy you shoes again.
You can read Money Honey or Young, Fabulous & Broke or any of the books in that section in your local library. Seriously, all of this has happened to wake you up to your own ability to take care of your own money. You can do this.October 29, 2020 at 5:57 pm #963831TuiParticipant
Agree with everyone else – split up. The dynamic in your relationship is not healthy, but I can’t help thinking you’ve trained him to be this way as obviously buying him things and treating him presumably gives you pleasure. Personally I hate folks buying me things I don’t actually want or need, and it usually seems to be people that can’t actually afford to do so.October 29, 2020 at 8:48 pm #963836anonymousseParticipant
Why are you in a relationship with a man who won’t even take you out on a date? And it’s not even that he can’t afford to, he just doesn’t give a shit and assumes you’ll pay. And you do. He’s using you. Do you not see that?
Don’t you want more? Relationships are not about money, but they are give and take. And it really sounds like he only takes from you and gives it all to others.
I’m honestly just shocked you’d stick around this long when he continually shows you how little he cares about you. When you like someone, you take them out, you treat them. You help them when they need it. He’s never even bought you any present, ever? It’s sad that you need help, and he won’t.
It’s incredibly sad that you’re considering marrying him. Please, for the love of god, do not marry him. He’s not going to change and suddenly care about you or what you want or need. Break up with him and please work on figuring out why you would accept such treatment from someone.
I dated some tightwads in my time- but they still took me out on dates, paid and bought or made cards, love notes or gifts. It’s not a money issue, it’s him being a total asshole who is not worthy of you. I hope you come to realize that and start to value yourself. He is not it.