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Dear Wendy

Boyfriend has a child, I just found out about

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  • #850576 Reply

    I have a 4 yr old, have been single mom for 3 years. I’ve dated here and there, never made it to relationship bc never felt right.
    I met someone i had been working with for a while. We finally met up for coffee and hit it off. We dated for 2 months before asking to make things official, he’s met my family and daughter after 6. I’ve taken things slowly and cautiously. It was the first time I felt safe, comfortable, at ease. Never questioned how much he cared for me, and my daughter. Things were going smoothly.

    Well, 7 MOS in, today, I get a phone call from a woman claiming to be his wife with a 18 MOS old and that he abandoned them and that when he’s not with me he’s with her. Im devestaed, confused, feel terrible for this woman and child. He’s profusely appologetic for not telling me about his son.. he says he was afraid because his ex is not stable and that he wanted me to get to know him before explaining his past because he was afriad he would lose me, that he can prove they were never married and have been not together for a year or more. He’s really always at my house and in constant communication so I never felt weird or that anything was off, or questioned where he was or what his intentions were.

    Is there any justifying this? I feel like I will never trust anyone again, this just shook my world. I will never invite someone into my and my daughter’s life again she and I deserve more. Is this right? I’ve packed his things, and blocked his number. I work with him daily so I know we will need to have a conversation and he’s begging me to hear him out – sad and confused.

    #850581 Reply

    “I wouldn’t have lied to you but I had to because my ex is crazy” is so fucking cliche. Never believe anything that comes out of this dude’s mouth. You never saw it coming because he’s that good at being sketchy. How exactly is he going to prove he hasn’t been with her in a year?

    #850582 Reply

    I think there’s no justifying this, and you did the right thing. If he simply had a child, he would have told you. He kept it a secret because he’s most likely still married to this woman and supposed to be living with her. To put your mind at ease, you should check public marriage records online and pay for the info. I don’t see how someone can offer you proof that they were *never* married. They can show you documentation to prove divorce, I myself have a paper that says I was legally divorced, but how do you prove you weren’t ever married?

    Anyway, yes, this completely sucks, but it sounds like you did everything right, and it doesn’t mean you can’t ever date again or meet a good man.

    #850583 Reply

    Good for you for taking it slow and waiting to introduce your daughter. Sometimes we do everything right and still end up dating a jerk.

    #850586 Reply

    No, there’s no justification for this. What an asshole. I hate that he’s telling you she isn’t stable. I bet you he’s living with her, playing daddy and partner and you are the side piece. Imagine what she’s going through.

    And think about that he works with you, and pulled this shit. He’s made you feel like a fool. Don’t date guys you work with. I’m sorry you put yourself out there and got taken advantage of. Did he invite you to his place? Introduce you to his friends or family? Red flags. Stay single for awhile and see a therapist if you can. Figure out how this happened.

    #850587 Reply

    Seven months and he did not mention a son. Block and move on. And never date anyone at work.

    #850588 Reply

    You’ve known him more than seven months and he’s never mentioned a son. I’m assuming that means no one at work knows he has a son. That’s pathetic. Even if he isn’t in a relationship with the mother he should be claiming his son. He should be seeing his son. He should be parenting his son. Pathetic.

    #850589 Reply

    There is no justifying this. But for goodness sakes, don’t make declarations like, “I’ll never trust anyone again.” That’s not healthy for you or your daughter. Heal, and then move onward and upward. Count your lucky stars that this loser is gone from your life. (“My ex is unstable” — I mean, sheesh, dude, at least be original.)

    Focus on how glad you are to be rid of this guy before getting in any deeper. There were probably signs, but don’t beat yourself up over missing them. You’re free!

    #850596 Reply

    Yes to all above, thank you. Thought I did everything right here. Hurt but I think this is hopefully one step in the right direction, will try not to lose hope. Honestly felt this was the best / easiest thing I’d experienced, thought for sure this was the one. What I don’t understand is why wait until after meeting family. I didn’t catch one red flag until now.

    #850597 Reply

    It’s actually pretty common to feel like a new romance might be “the one.” And this was still a new romance. When you’re measuring your time as a couple in months, it’s still new.

    As for why he waited so long to tell you…he liked you, things seemed to be going well, and he figured you’d leave if you knew, especially since he doesn’t seem to be completely detached from the ex. It just seemed easier not to say anything, but there comes a point where putting off a difficult discussion becomes an unforgivable lie.

    #850599 Reply
    avatarAndrea Letsen

    I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You and your daughter do deserve far better than that.

    Give yourself a big pat on the back for breaking this off before it could progress further.

    I couldn’t say whether he is lying about this womans ‘stability’, or whether he is/was married – but I can say is that he seemingly lied to you for 7 months about a very important detail of his life that he absolutely should have told you about. (And lied with ease, given how you caught no signs of deception).

    On top of that, it might be worth remembering also that you did not find any of this out from him deciding it was time to tell you. He was forced into telling you. Who knows how long it would have been until you found out – had you not had that call from the ex.

    Well done for protecting yourself and your daughter. You’re a wonderful mother. And you will find true honest happiness 🙂

    #850600 Reply

    Well, if the ex is unstable then he wouldn’t tell her that he is dating you.
    It shouldn’t be a reason to lie to you.

    Some guys just think single moms are easy prey.

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