Boyfriend has female roommate used to be involved

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  • January 27, 2023 at 12:43 pm #1118441

    My boyfriend and I reconnected after years of being apart. We are also in a long distance relationship.
    He confided in me that he has a female room mate and she has been there for “years” and that they used to be involved years ago.
    He said they haven’t been involved in years and that she does domestic things around the house but they more or less have thier sperate spaces and more or less not be around each other. He said he hasn’t been in love or a relationship in “years”.

    Also, it seems ge doesn’t want to boot her out when I asked him about when we start being together permanently. It’s almost like he feels he owes her a place to live?

    So I was taken aback by this and I am trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings about this situation. I don’t know what to think or feel. He said she had more feelings for him than he did her. It sounds like it was more sexual for him than her (?)
    He admits he’s not even attracted to her.

    He has confessed his love for me and wants to be with me forever. Definitely wants a future with me. I loved this man years ago and the feelings certainly came back but I’m pretty sure if he had told me this up front I probably would have just moved on but instead he tells me after we’ve been back together. He said he’s had ” sleepless nights” worrying about it and not knowing how to tell me and afraid he would lose me.
    Although he knew he HAD to tell me.

    I’m looking for some advice, thoughts, & guidance to sort this out because I’m confused now.

    January 27, 2023 at 1:07 pm #1118443

    Ask him to introduce you and make sure she is telling the same story.Might just be a room share but this is uncannily like the story my Ex used to tell girls he wanted to have an enjoyable dalliance with while keeping me completely in the dark, to cover his back. I mean, why lose all the benefits I offered for what might end up a temporary affair? If it’s all innocent (and rents are high, people do have to share costs with friends) he’ll have no problem with this.

    January 27, 2023 at 2:23 pm #1118444

    Are you actually in a relationship if you haven’t seen where he lives or met his room mate already? Surely your living situations would come up in conversation fairly early on in rekindling a relationship. Or did you know he lives with her, but he’s only recently told you they used to be involved?
    How far is long distance, how long have you been back together and are you actually making plans for being together in the same place.
    Do you know for sure he’s not married or in a long term relationship?
    Why did you break up years ago?
    As Hazel says the best thing to do is just go visit him and see what the situation actually is. If he makes lots of excuses for you not to go, cancels last minute or she’s away then that probably answers your question.

    January 27, 2023 at 2:34 pm #1118445

    I just wanted to add that several of these lasses were people he had previously been in relationships with; but only those who had ended it with him. If you ended it with him, then do be wary.Be wary anyway. Don’t invest too much of yourself into this before you know where you stand and that means meeting irl at his place.

    January 27, 2023 at 4:32 pm #1118448

    Why would you belive his far fetched story?
    I agree, get on a FaceTime and ask to be introduced. There’s no way he’s being honest with you.

    Don’t waste your time with ex boyfriends.

    January 27, 2023 at 4:56 pm #1118449

    Yeah, I would think back first to who broke up, and why you two broke up. Maybe he could not commit then or was shady with the truth, or had too many women always hanging around him… think on that and then take the suggestions above at going to visit him soon. The past should stay past sometimes for good reasons.

    January 27, 2023 at 7:09 pm #1118450

    Uuhhh, this really sounds like he has a girlfriend or wife. Tell him you’re coming to visit and staying with him.

    January 28, 2023 at 12:07 am #1118451

    Wow many thanks to all of you! I’m so appreciative for your help.

    First of all to Hazel, I think your right. I think I will make a trip there to see what’s really going on. I feel like I need to do this.

    To Tui (and Kate, Peggy & annyomousse) So the story is we dated for not quite a year back in H.S. we were in our teens. I felt so deeply for him and I was his first crush too. I never forgot about him. He dumped me for someomeone he went to school with ( we went to seperate schools) i was so heartbroken but i still wanted him.
    3o years later I found him online and we began to talk off and on, nothing serious but as friends catching up. He said he’s been divorced for a long time and he was single flying free and met this girl thru a friend (I think there is more to this story than what he’s willing to tell me). But, I really do think it’s over between them and has been for years and I think her situation makes it easier for her to stay there because her expenses are low and affordable there but she only works a couple weekend days out of the week. So to me she’s lazy and wants him to take care of her.
    What I don’t get is why he feels he owes her a roof over her head even when I’m in the picture now?

    Anyways we are 1,200 miles apart. He came to my state ( where he grew up and has family here) to visit and he messaged me and I was happy to meet with him and wow our feelings flooded right back. He really wanted to be back together again after all these years. We talked on the phone and video chatted and message all the time ever since. He said he really made a big mistake back then when he left me. He really wants to be with me.

    So it wasn’t until sometime after he went back home that he confessed about this roommate. So I asked him if he told her about us?he said yes and she didn’t say much. He thinks she’s worried about possibly having to move out. So I asked him so what happens when we actually do live togethe

    January 28, 2023 at 12:07 am #1118452

    And he said he would just let her rent the place if she wanted to.

    January 28, 2023 at 12:12 am #1118453

    I really do think I will take the advice Hazel suggested to go visit him and give him kind of short notice and see what he says.
    Just through our conversations though ( either he is a good liar or I’m just gullable) but I honestly believe he isn’t in any relationship with anyone and hasn’t been in a long while.

    January 28, 2023 at 12:14 am #1118454

    I really do think I will take the advice Hazel suggested to go visit him and give him kind of short notice and see what he says.
    Just through our conversations though ( either he is a good liar or I’m just gullable) but I honestly believe he isn’t in any relationship with anyone and hasn’t been in a long while.

    He is planning on making more trips to come see me and stay longer and we’ll see where this goes.

    January 28, 2023 at 5:33 am #1118455

    His whole story just doesn’t ring true. Who lets some old girlfriend from years ago live with him just for helping out around the house? And doesn’t have a relationship for years and years? And if it’s true that there’s indeed nothing between them at all, then why did he need to bring it up to you like it’s a thing and she might be upset? What would she have to be upset about? Why would she worry she has to find a new home if they’re just roommates and he’s something started long-distance with an old hs girlfriend?

    Two things: Do a public records search online, even if you have to pay. Find his marriage and divorce records to confirm he got divorced when he said he did. If he lied about that then that’s a deal-breaker. But still, this woman could be his girlfriend, so you absolutely have to go visit him. If he’s in ANY way being weird about it then you need to tell him that it’s important after all these years to come and see how he’s living his life. You need that, and he should understand. And don’t give him much notice either. Pay close attention to how he acts.

    As a longtime moderator of a relationship advice site, I can tell you that it would not at all be unusual for a man to want to start something up with an old girlfriend who reaches out on FB even if he’s currently married or in a relationship. Men do that all the time.

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Boyfriend has female roommate used to be involved

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