Home › Forums › Advice & Chat › Boyfriend has female roommate used to be involved
- This topic has 26 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 3 weeks ago by
Kate.
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Dear WendyKeymasterI agree with the advice already given. There are some red flags here waving in the wind – the idea that he hasn’t had a relationship in years; he’s living with an ex and having some sort of transactional relationship with her (reduced rent for household work, it sounds like? And maybe sex?? Maybe they’re actually in a relationship?); he wasn’t forthcoming about his living arrangement from the get-go. You definitely need to do some research and confirm what he has said about his marriage and divorce, and then go visit him and meet this woman yourself. If he doesn’t want you to meet her, or if she’s weird about meeting you, that’s a deal-breaker.
Anonymousse
GuestI don’t understand how you don’t see that he is housing her for what? Friendship? The kindness of his heart? I mean I am a skeptic but he kept this from you. He wouldn’t have hidden her from you if nothing was going on. That right here tells you he will only tell you what he believes you will accept, not the truth. He’s a liar.
Did I read correctly he was a bf briefly in high school 30 years ago? Was that a typo? I don’t think it was. Yet you sound so incredibly naive that you could be 3 years out of high school.
Honey, if you’re lonely, date local. He is having sex with this woman, I can almost guarantee that and I don’t even know him.
You could-
Do that public records search and show up at his door. Maybe text him 1-2 hours before you’re there, but I wouldn’t. I’d show up, on a Tuesday midday and see what is really going on. If he loved you, he’d be psyched. If something messed up is going on, he will not be happy. Something tells me he will not be happy.
Or save yourself a shit ton of money, time and heart ache and do some rational thinking. Why would he hide a “roommate” ex unless they were still involved?
GuestI would say he has been staying up worrying about this and had to tell you because a woman with any sense would walk right now. That you haven’t and you believe this, or still talk to him after he kept this from you (equal to blatant lying in my eyes) shows him you are believing him and willing to accept the lies he’s telling as the truth. He is no good. He’s been up worrying because he’s doing something bad and he knows it. Don’t be a fool.
Janicelynn
ParticipantHello Kate, I do appreciate your response and advice.
I agree, I do find it weird that he seems to want to keep her around for whatever reason.He wanted to tell me about his roommate as coming clean and not hiding it from me because he knows he had to tell me. He had to be upfront and give me the chance to make a decision. I just wish he had done it awhile back but then again he didn’t know early on if we had developed into a relationship so why change things if nothing was going to happen between him and I but he did wait longer than he should have IMO.
If it’s been over between them for ‘years’ I am struggling with why it bothers me so bad.
Am I being immature about it? Guys chose female roommates for better hygiene, cleanliness,and better domestic abilities alot. But I do know if I go there to visit she better not be there or I will turn around and never see him again.As far as her renting from him, again it still bothers me because he would have to go there to repairs things etc…
GuestNo, men don’t keep women who they were having sex with living with them for “domestic duties” years later, they hire a housecleaning service. Especially if they want a new gf. He wants her and you on occasion.
You’re incredibly naive. He’s keeping her around for sex, she has stronger feelings, right? He told you that. He also told you he didn’t tell you because he knew you’d leave, but you’re ready to believe anything. You haven’t left, why is that? What’s your end game of this long distance relationship where he is living with another woman?Show up unannounced. You’ll see what’s really going on. He’s lying to you one way or another.
ParticipantThank you anonymously for your input. I will get to the bottom of this with him before I invest anymore time or feelings in him. I want to be sure!.
I’ll come back and give an update if you all want to hear it.GuestThe fact that you are not walking right now says a lot. I look forward to the update.
Kate
Keymaster“Guys chose female roommates for better hygiene, cleanliness,and better domestic abilities alot.”
First of all, isn’t this guy 48 years old, not 28? Why have a roommate at all? Second, he didn’t choose a roommate, he chose to have a live-in girlfriend or wife. Who is still living there. Girl. Nobody does this. You’re being bamboozled. This SHOULD bother you. I really don’t want to hear anything else about this until you tell him you’re showing up for a visit and see what he does. Let us know. Personally I wouldn’t show up completely unannounced. I would tell him you’re coming for a long weekend soon. If he gives you ANY pushback, terminate the entire mission.
KeymasterAlso, if you both actually believe she’s just a roommate, then why is it even an issue for either of you? Why would she need to leave? I had a boyfriend in my 20s who had a female roommate. There was no question of her moving out once he had a girlfriend. That’s absurd. The reason there’s a problem here is that this woman is not a roommate.
Hazel
ParticipantWhy on earth do you need her to leave? So he can pick a spurious fight with his live-in girlfriend, send her off sobbing to whatever friends and family she usually goes to when he pulls this shit, have his night or so with you, then graciously accept her apology for whatever the fight was supposedly about and allow her back to where she lives? Or he can just pick a time when she is going away for the weekend? If she isn’t there and you never meet her theres a reason for that. Why this antagonism towards this woman who has done zero to you,( and probably has absolutely no idea you exist), why had she “better not be there” in her own actual living place? If she is there and it turns out everything he has said is the truth, wouldn’t that be the best outcome from your point of view?
KeymasterI missed the “she better not be there” part. You actually *need* her to be there when you show up. That’s the point. She’s his totally platonic roommate, right? So you need to meet her and she needs to meet you, so you can be assured nothing weird is going on. That’s why you should not give him much notice before your visit, so that he doesn’t have time to do stuff like remove all her things from their shared bedroom, or get her out of town so she doesn’t know you’re visiting. The whole point of you going to see him is to make sure what he’s telling you about this woman being “just a roommate” is true. If he’s been honest with you and honest with her, you two should be able to meet. If you can’t meet, it’s a huge red flag.
What am I missing?
GuestI mean , the whole, looking up a crush/1st bf ever from HS. That, to me, shows all your cards right there.
1) He knew you were lonely
2) He knew you were attached to a fake/old idea of him from HS
3) He knew the distance could work to his advantage, so he kept her from you-IMO a lie right from the beginning.
You should end this now, not keep going.
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