January 9, 2018 at 10:44 pm #735462
My boyfriend has trust issues due to his past relationship. He seen I was talking to another guy on Snapchat the other day and got upset. I explained to him that I was only talking to him to plan our mutual friends upcoming Jack & Jill. Im the maid of honor and hes the best man. My boyfriend asked if anything had ever happened between us and I lied and said no. I lied because I know how my boyfriend is and he gets very jealous over anything and it never turns out good, even if its from my past, way before I even knew he existed. He still didn’t believe me, because he has a hard time trusting but the conversation was dropped. A week later, my boyfriend took my phone and looked this guy up on my Facebook and read our old messages. Most of them were harmless and some were flirtatious… Which made him very upset. Now I need to make clear that me and this other guy have never had any physical relationship… it was only flirtation. Regardless, I know I should I have never lied to him. I was just trying to avoid a fight over someone who means absolutely nothing to me.
Now the problem is, our friends wedding is in Mexico. My boyfriend is now pissed off that I’m going to this wedding in Mexico, without him. Without him, because he refuses to go, and it is known that I really want him to come. He thinks I’m going to cheat on him.
Is it bad that I go to this wedding regardless is he comes or Not? I can’t just back out. It’s my best friends big day and I am her maid of honor.
I know I broke my boyfriend’s trust when I lied about the nature of me and this other guys relationship but I would never cheat on my boyfriend. I’m completely in love with him which I’ve told him 100x, but since I lied, he says he can’t trust me.
How do I regain his trust? What do i do? I’m tired of fighting about this.
Please help!January 9, 2018 at 11:09 pm #735463
MOA, this is unlikely to improve and you seem unhappy with the status quo. This is on him.January 9, 2018 at 11:10 pm #735464
How did you lie? Nothing happened between you and the guy. Are you serious your boyfriend thinks old flirty texts from before he met you qualifies as something happening between you and the guy? Your boyfriend sounds controlling and over the top jealous. And you sound like you drank the kool-aid. You didn’t do anything wrong except act like your crazy boyfriend had a valid point. You should break up. You did absolutely nothing to lose his trust and now he’s gaslighting you into thinking you did. This is how emotionally abusive people act. Consider his behaviour a red flag. Go to the wedding single.January 9, 2018 at 11:41 pm #735465
You can’t regain trust he’s never granted to you in the first place. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Having nothing you say ever be above suspicion? Having him snoop through your phone and computer? At this point, you might as WELL just go ahead and cheat on him, since nothing you say can convince him that you’re not. He’s just going to keep punishing you for something his ex did. Or, you know, you could dump his ass and be free of this bullshit. He’s a dick and you’d be well rid of him.
(What do people think we’re going to say to questions like this? “The way to regain your douchebag boyfriend’s trust is to relinquish all communication devices to him. Quit school/your job and stay locked in your apartment with the shades drawn. You should not watch television or listen to the radio, because you may see or hear another man. If you must leave the house, never do so unaccompanied by him, and wear sackcloth. Walk with your head down and never show interest in any other man’s shoes. Give your bf a nightly bj. Then and only then may he forgive you for having once flirted with someone.” I mean come on now.January 10, 2018 at 6:54 am #735474
Stay with him and watch as every piece of yourself is sacrificed trying to make a broken person whole. He’s controlling and already setting the stage to ruin your trip. $50 if anger doesn’t work to manipulate you the talk of suicide will follow. RUN. RUN. RUN. This isn’t love.January 10, 2018 at 12:29 pm #735509
It’s not wrong to go to the wedding. Let me get this straight, your boyfriend is mad because you flirted with a guy before you two were together? He’s upset because you didn’t tell him? That’s none of his business. It’s very concerning to me that he’s trying to control your life this much. You should break up with him. it’s only going to get worse. He’s going to try to make you live your life the way that he wants, without any concern for what you want.January 11, 2018 at 1:29 pm #735593
Move on. FAST! Trust me, this does not just get better because you want it to, you love him, or whatever. He will continue to act this way which will result in constant arguing, possibly abuse or you will isolate yourself to avoid it, which is in a sense a form of abuse. There is really no good outcome to people with serious trust issues. He needs to deal with those issues apart from you. I also find this “my ex cheated so I don’t trust you” excuse to be a bit of BS. I mean sure, it makes one more likely to not trust but I do feel people tend to use it as an excuse to be controlling or treat people like crap. Not always but often.January 12, 2018 at 7:23 am #735666
WEES! And can I also say that “Stay with him and watch as every piece of yourself is sacrificed trying to make a broken person whole.” is SO SPOT ON. Run, don’t walk, LW.January 12, 2018 at 3:02 pm #735750
Your boyfriend sounds abusive. One thing abusive men do is blame all of their issues on past relationships, their past women. It is very common/standard for them to do this. It makes it not his fault that he is jealous. It makes it not his fault that he is controlling. It makes it not his fault that he can’t trust you to go to Mexico for a wedding that he refuses to attend. Before you know it he’ll start blaming you for his issues, you and all of the other manipulative, bitchy women who came before you. He’s already begun to do this.
Realize that his ex cheating on him is just an excuse to control you. Most people get cheated on at some point in their life and they don’t use jealousy as an excuse to control your behavior. He is already using his jealousy as an excuse to try to control whether you go to Mexico. That is him being manipulative. You also don’t know if his ex did actually cheat on him. He has already managed to frame you as a liar when you were actually trying to protect yourself from a confrontation.
An abusive man will also always make the issue about you not being trustworthy. Can you see how he is doing that. The problem is that you felt you had to lie because he already had issues. You didn’t feel that you could be honest. He creates the situation where you can’t tell the truth and then uses that situation to further control you. This will only get worse. He is the one who acts in a way to guarantee that the situation never turns out good. That is a controlling, manipulative device he uses. Do not accept blame for this situation. He is the one who has established the atmosphere between the two of you where you have to lie to avoid an explosion. He is responsible for that, not you. He created this situation where he says he can’t trust you and now is using it to prevent you from going to Mexico. He is beginning the process of isolating you from your friends.
You need to get out of this relationship now. When you have to lie to avoid things going bad you need to move on immediately. He probably started out wonderful and charming but that phase is over and done. He may occasionally be incredibly nice, especially if he feels you will leave him but that niceness will be temporary. The anger and control will always follow and will always dominate the relationship.
This is a run away from this relationship now type of situation. Save yourself from the abuse that is sure to follow. The anger and control are abuse. He doesn’t have to hit you or threaten you to damage your life but those things could certainly follow. Get out.