This topic contains 27 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by MaggieB 3 weeks, 1 day ago.
January 23, 2019 at 3:30 pm #821841
Can a person not know after that long?
While 80 miles apart isn’t that big of a distance, in my opinion, if you sometimes go longer stretches without seeing one another, I don’t think 9 months is that long to go without saying it. Some people are slower to get there and/or don’t throw the phrase around casually (I’m one of them).
Anyway, I think it’s silly that you won’t say it first if you feel it. And if you won’t say it specifically because you don’t think he’ll reciprocate, I think you know he’s not in love with you and can make decisions accordingly.January 23, 2019 at 3:36 pm #821844
How often do you see each other?
I do think your rule is childish and ridiculous. So if he never says it, you won’t either? What is the point of that? You won’t be vulnerable and honest with him, yet you label him wish-washy. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You have to put yourself and your feelings out there. Sometimes you get hurt, that’s life.
I don’t think it’s that weird he hasn’t said it yet. 9 months with that kind of distance and a six year restriction on moving to be together is going to put your relationship at a slower pace, IMO.
If you want a guy shouting his love from the rooftops, you need to break up and start dating. But if you really do love this guy…I don’t think you’d be leaving him because you have a rule you can’t say it first.January 23, 2019 at 4:50 pm #821849
I think after nine months if he felt it he would have said it. A man who wants to be with you doesn’t leave you wondering. I also don’t think you actually love him if you’re unwilling to risk saying it first. To each their own but it’s pretty lame to be in your 40s and that invested in having the upper hand in a relationship. If you want a future with someone I’d be looking elsewhere. He’s fine with the status quo.January 23, 2019 at 4:53 pm #821850
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with waiting, especially if you feel like you may be the one who cares more deeply about the other person. But I think that if you use ILY very practically as a gauge for making concrete decisions about your future with this person, then you may need to compromise. Waiting for them to say it first is a luxury that you may not have if you feel like you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you after 9 months and you feel the need to make an immediate decision about it.
I also think it matters how often you see each other. I’ve dated people where I wouldn’t have been able to say I loved them at 6-7 months (sounds like around when said he *could* love you one day), so I don’t think that this is that abnormal.
If you’re trying to decide whether this is an objective problem or not, then I’d say no, it’s not. But if you have a litmus test of “someone has to love me at 9 months or I don’t want to continue,” then that’s a different story.January 23, 2019 at 5:14 pm #821851
If it helps ya any I don’t remember my husband saying it for the first time, and he clearly remembers. Apparently I said “ok”. Sorry babe. So see, not always all it’s cracked up to be.January 23, 2019 at 5:33 pm #821853
Honestly? I think that he is probably happy with how things are, but not looking to move forward beyond where you are. It’s not just that he hasn’t said he loves you (and, honestly, after 9 months, I do think that’s an issue), but he’s also “wishy washy” when you try to talk about the future and pulled the “love, but not in love” thing on his last GF, probably about when she wanted to see where things were going, if I had to guess.
Go ahead and ask him about his feelings, if you need to for certainty’s sake, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he hems and haws around it. Plus, even if you do manage to force it out of him in the moment, actions speak louder than words and his actions seem to indicate to me that he’s content, for now. I wouldn’t wait around on him for 6 years, tbh, because I don’t see him actually committing like you want someone to commit to you. In that time, you could break up and have moved on and found someone else who actually is willing to commit.January 23, 2019 at 6:00 pm #821856
Why is being content a bad thing? He said he wanted commitment at four months in.
I think it’s ridiculous to say him not saying it is an issue at nine months when she won’t say it, either.January 23, 2019 at 6:29 pm #821857
They can’t live together for 6 years. With that as a given, I don’t see how him saying “I love you” today would progress the relationship. things are basically on hold for 6 years. He suggested an exclusivity commitment. They both enjoy the current relationship. Yes, the “I love yous” often come sooner than this, but this is a middle aged couple on prolonged hold, whatever is said. About the ‘what is our future’ discussion — that itself is years in the future. It’s status quo for the next 6 years, regardless of who says “I love you” first. I think LW is freaked out by the 6 years. I’d guess her bf certainly is. What can this couple do to progress this relationship? One can move. Other than that, basically nothing. She thinks him saying “I love you” today means hell love her for the next 6 years of waiting until they can live together and be happy ever after. No way either of them can guarantee that. Six years on hold is a long slog and a real threat to any 9-month old relationship.January 23, 2019 at 7:53 pm #821861
Being “content” when she wants “more” is the problem. Sure, it’s easy to say you want to be committed when you don’t have to do anything about it like moving in, getting engaged, married, or, hell, even living in her same city for 6 years. He’s happy having a long distance GF. Sounds to me like he’d always be happy with that. What it doesn’t sound like he wants is an actual relationship that moves forward. So, he can string this LW along for 6 years or until she gets sick of it. I’d maybe feel differently if they were in their 20s, but the LW (at least, and presumably him, too) are in their 40s. If he wanted the commitment she wants, and that an actual “I love you” (not “maybe I could love you someday”) would assure her of, he’d say it. Men in their 40s who have at least had 3 long(ish) term relationships under their belt (mother of his kids, last GF and the LW) aren’t emotionally stunted idiots who don’t know how this works. Truth is, when a man loves you, it doesn’t take him 9 months of actual dating to say it. It just doesn’t.January 23, 2019 at 7:58 pm #821864
Then why hasn’t she said it? Why are the rules different for him? Depending how often they see each other, nine months does not seem like a long time to me. Divorced men and woman are often a little more gun shy with saying it, also. Has she asked for more? She brought up a future, he was wish washy (realistic?) and that was it?
I don’t think this is going to work out, because she wants something different than what they can have, and apparently lacks the ovaries to express her feelings, while expecting him to. Double standards for behavior aren’t a great start in a fresh relationship. Communication is essential. At this rate she’s going to go with the flow and end up hurt because she can’t express her desires and feelings like most adults do.January 23, 2019 at 8:10 pm #821865
I’d guess that she hasn’t said it because she knows he won’t say it back and she’s not ready to deal with that, so she wants people to reassure her that it’s okay if he hasn’t said it. She’s gotten some rationalization here, and some “woman up advice” and I suspect she’ll take the rationalization and ignore the “woman up” for now. But eventually, she’ll be on the other side of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” A man in his 40s or 50s knows what he wants.January 25, 2019 at 6:51 am #821979
He is a grown-up man who probably has his fair share of dating experience and just doesn’t want to throw that word around, which means when he does say it, it will mean so much more!
My partner took over a year to say I love you and it bothered me similarly to how it does to you, I also just refused to say it first, although I already knew I loved him.
When he did tell me those three words, I knew he was genuine and it felt amazing! I am happy he waited that long now.
After, we both discussed it and he opened up about the reason why it took him so long. He was divorced and the first woman he dated after he said I love you way to soon, he realised soon he didn’t actually love her at all and promised himself to only say it one last time, to someone he was sure was the one 😊
So even though I had to wait for so long, I am now confident he really does love me! 🙂 I am sure you’ll hear those words soon enough, just don’t rush it.