- This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 1 week ago by FYI.
- September 4, 2019 at 11:02 pm #851495Brandy mooreGuest
So me and my boyfriend have been dating for 10 months now close to a year. When we first started dating he has a close knit of friends, that he would tell everything and anything to even his past exs and sex life. When we first started dating I constantly heard his ex’s name come out of his and his friends mouth, always joking about her and just bringing her up on a daily basis. It was really hurting me because she’s the type that was passed around like a party tray with all his friends (hint why she cheated). Anyway, he never told me anything about her except that she cheated on him with his friends. I got upset with him that if she did those things why bring her up or even bother to waste your breath about her. He’d always say his friend would say something about her. Just to clarify he is 18 and I’m 20. So one day I decided to ask about his sex life, and with previous exs. Just to be open and out about it like I was to be more comfortable and truthful. Before we started dating he tried to brag about having sex over 100 times with his ex who also cheated on him and is now dating his use to be friend. I sadly went to school with her so it was uncomfortable to know the guy I’m with was with her. Than his next ex who apparently all his friends wanted and thought was hot etc, I asked him about her, he replied with “I went in and out and didn’t feel like having sex”. Disgusting enough his buddies thought it would be cool to send me a video of him having sex with her. I asked him about it and he chuckled thinking it was funny. I got so angry I left. I asked him if he loved her he constantly tells me no, but yet I saw paragraphs of him saying how much he loved her and showed him and he just never wants to admit the truth. He just constantly says “I’m not like other guys” this and that or sit there and ignore me and call me stupid, or my questions are dumb. Or he’ll make me feel guilty or upset that I asked that and make me feel bad enough to apologize. One time I was scrolling through his computer pictures to change his background and found old pictures of him and his ex, I didn’t get mad I just giggled and was like you should delete these, and he kept telling me not to go through them but I didn’t think they would still be there. He got so mad and broke laptop screen and keyboard and everything. I hate to sit here and feel like I’m being played or used. I’m open and I tell him everything and I also try to sit and have personal or emotional conversations to connect and he either ends up ignoring me or getting mad. He makes me feel bad when I’m upset about something or even my self. He told me how he took his ex out or bought her stuff. I ask him to compliment me, go on walks with me and listen to me to make me happy… he makes it sound hard to do… but he did it for someone else. I’m not jealous, nor will I ever want to be them, but why is it so hard to sit and just be honest instead of fumbling to come up with a lie. All I want is the truth but he just doesn’t seem to want to either accept it or be truthful. Sometimes he can be the most loving person and than change in a heartbeat… I don’t know what to do…. I didn’t come for hateful comments or bashing, just some tips or pointers, I just want to sit for once and have a mature conversations like adults but he always tries to sweep it under the rug, or go I’m tired and just ignores it.. even when I’m sad or down about something.September 5, 2019 at 7:33 am #851509cdobbsGuest
LW please end this relationship….this guy is so disrespectful to women….a good guy would never have sex with someone and then bash them publicly (slut shame)….i feel so bad for the ex girlfriends here because they were unfortunate enough to have sex with someone who is so misogynistic….get away from this guy as fast as possible….i could go on and on about his dismissive attitude towards your complaints but i’ll just end and say this person is not a good guy and you can do so much betterSeptember 5, 2019 at 8:29 am #851512anonymousseParticipant
You’re not going to be able to have a mature conversation with an 18 kid who passes his gfs around (what!?) and has his friends take videos of him having sex with them. Clearly, he’s a disgusting jerk. He’s the guy your gfs and mother warned you about. He doesn’t care how you feel. He doesn’t care enough to lie better or want to make you feel better when you’re sad.
Look at what you know about how he treats and talks about women. That’s the type of person he is. He’d talk about you that way, too. He’s not a good guy.
If you sent him nudes, try and delete them before you break up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he passed those around.September 5, 2019 at 8:37 am #851513cdobbsGuest
i was thinking the same thing anonymousse that if she had sent him nudes he’s probably shared those or will in the future….yuck….total disgusting jerk is rightSeptember 5, 2019 at 8:41 am #851515anonymousseParticipant
Yeah, and the thing is he isn’t even trying to hide this part of himself. He’s told her how he thinks about women. He’s been totally upfront about his disrespectful opinions. He thinks you’re fine with that, Brandy Moore. He told you who he is and you’ve continued to date him for ten months.September 5, 2019 at 9:07 am #851516EssieParticipant
When you date trashy men, you get treated like trash.
This “man” is an awful person. Awful. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Why on earth are you trying to keep a relationship going with this creep?September 5, 2019 at 9:44 am #851518KateKeymaster
You can’t have mature, loving conversations with him because he’s an immature jerk and a creep.
Nice guys don’t:
Talk shit about their exes
Brag about sex they had with exes
Tell their friends everything about their sex life
Talk about “passing girls around” / slut shame girls
Take VIDEOS of them having sex with women and pass them around among friends
Call you stupid
Get angry and break things
Make you feel bad when you’re upset
Tell you they took their exes places and bought them things, while NOT doing those things for you
Change in a heartbeat
He’s garbage. And I don’t know if he’s having a bad influence on you or what, but some of your behavior is pretty trash as well, such as buying into this stuff about girls “being passed around” (sounds like slut-shaming to me), comparing yourself to other women, asking a lot of invasive questions about other women (yes, this is insecurity and jealousy) snooping through your boyfriend’s camera roll with a flimsy excuse, and begging for love and attention from a guy who acts like the above and clearly does not love you. Sure, he acts loving sometimes, but he does not actually love or respect you. Sounds like he doesn’t respect women in general, but is willing to do sweet things sometimes in order to keep a girlfriend.
He just sucks. The way to have the mature conversations like adults is to be an adult and date an adult. It’s not this hard when you’re dating the right person.September 5, 2019 at 10:47 am #851522quokkaGuest
You deserve better than this guy LW. As previous comments have said he’s a jerk etc etc and you should dump him, but can I suggest that when you are over the post-breakup emotions, you give some thought to *your* judgement about others (especially other women). You wrote, ‘It was really hurting me because she’s the type that was passed around like a party tray with all his friends’; this sounds like you are giving your opinion of her, and whether or not it’s based on what he, and/or his friends, said about her, you are slut shaming another woman when you say something like that. Please don’t do that anymore LW.September 5, 2019 at 11:00 am #851523SkyblossomParticipant
“I didn’t come for hateful comments or bashing, just some tips or pointers, I just want to sit for once and have a mature conversations like adults”
The only way you are going to have a mature conversation is to get a different boyfriend. Your current boyfriend treats women like dirt. He uses them, passes them around among his friends, mocks them, brags about mistreating them, etc. You are no more special than any of his ex girlfriends. You are just one in a string of women who he has used. There will be plenty more following you.
You can judge a person by the way you see them treating other people. When you see the way he has treated past girlfriends you can see what you can expect for yourself. You can also judge him by the friends he keeps. Nice guys don’t keep jerk friends. You need to judge the people who enter your life and decide which ones to keep.
You deserve better but you will only get it by dumping your boyfriend. We can all fall in love with someone who is no good for us or who is a poor match. I did. The best thing I did for myself was to break up with him. It hurt for a while but once I was over him I met someone who was much, much better. As long as you are with your current boyfriend you are keeping yourself emotionally tied up and unavailable for better relationships. Set yourself free and then be picky about who you choose next. The bright side of a bad relationship is that it forces you to see what won’t work for you and helps you to learn to look for the warning signs that a guy isn’t worth your time or emotional energy. You’ve learned a lot through this relationship. Take what you’ve learned and use it in the future.September 5, 2019 at 11:26 am #851526BittergaymarkGuest
Yep. No defending this guy. Dump him. Aim higher!September 5, 2019 at 11:36 am #851529SkyblossomParticipant
You are basically asking how to change him. You can’t change people, including boyfriends. You take them or leave them as they are. He is definitely a leave him as he is type of guy.September 5, 2019 at 4:31 pm #851536FYIGuest
Sometimes when I read these letters I want to establish a Self-Esteem University or something. That is the education that so many LWs need. Four years of it.
Video of himself having sex?! That he passed around to his friends? He’s a complete dirtbag; that is beyond disgusting. Stop begging a misogynistic asshole to like you.
And this — “but he did it for someone else. I’m not jealous” — is really, really not true. I’m not bashing you, LW, but you have got to get honest with yourself. You are jealous and insecure; why would you be sad because you are acquainted with someone he slept with? Who cares? It’s in the past, but you’re grilling him about all this stuff relentlessly. That doesn’t mean that if you try to be more secure, the relationship will work, so don’t see it that way.
What it does mean is that you have to build some self-worth. Look for a book about it if you don’t know how. Start somewhere. Self-worth will get you out of this truly horrible relationship and save you from having to grill the next guy you’re with.
You can do this.