This topic contains 48 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by LisforLeslie 2 months, 2 weeks ago.
November 5, 2018 at 5:18 am #806932
I really need some advice on how to move forward.
I’ve been with my partner for 18 months now. Last year he went out on his works Christmas party which involved an all day and (pretty much) all night drinking session. During that time period I heard from my partner once in the morning before he set off out and then nothing at all for 24 hours. I’m not someone who would message first as I wanted him to enjoy his time but I was worried and did find it odd as he usually messages frequently. As well as this my dog had died the day previously so my feelings were a bit raw.
We spoke about it at the time and I vocalised my feelings i.e. it would have been nice to have been thought about or received a simple ‘thinking of you’ text. Anyway, we moved forward with our relationship after that but always had that niggly feeling that something untoward had happened that night. It played on my mind so on numerous times I asked him whether there was anything that happened that night that he wanted to tell me about that night. Each time he was adamant that there wasn’t and I was made to feel paranoid that i’d asked.
This weekend we went to a friends for a get together and had a few drinks. On the way home I mentioned that night in passing and he ended up saying that he’d taken cocaine on that night. I’m anti-drugs, which he knows and knew at the time. I’m very hurt that he’d do that in the first place as it doesn’t fit in with my perception of him but more than this I’m hurt that I’ve been actively lied to for the past 11 months.
His explanation for lying and concealing it from me is that he knew it’d be a dealbreaker for me and i’d want him gone. He’s vowed that this is the only thing he’s ever kept from and ever will but I just feel like the seed of doubt has been planted in my head now and I’m not sure how to move forward.
He’s said that he won’t ever intentionally hurt me again and he’d do anything to make it up to me but I don’t know how or if I can look past this and move forward with trust.
If you need to ask any more questions I’m more than happy to answer and I’d be very grateful for any guidance you can give.
November 5, 2018 at 7:43 am #806949
- This topic was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by fatphatpanda.
You have to decide what really is a deal-breaker for you. If using drugs is a deal-breaker, then using drugs and lying about it certainly is a deal-breaker. Using cocaine once and working with people who use cocaine both increase the odds that he will use coke in the future. Or, he may never use it again. You have to decide how important this is to you and assess the other pluses and minuses of your relationship. You also have to decide how sincere he is about never hurting you again — any easy thing to say, a hard thing to do. You don’t mention that he promised to never do drugs again.November 5, 2018 at 7:49 am #806950
I mean, personally, I don’t think this is worth being hurt over, frustrated or angry yes but not hurt. Just my personal take.November 5, 2018 at 7:52 am #806951
If drug use is a dealbreaker then break up. If you don’t think he can be trusted then break up. It’s really that simple.
This nagged at you for almost a year and he intentionally hid the coke use because he knew it wasn’t okay with you. That’s him gaslighting you and taking away your ability to accurately assess his character. He’s a coward who hides things like a child—that would be my dealbreaker. For future reference if you need to keep nagging at someone to tell you the whole story there’s a problem with your dynamic as a couple.November 5, 2018 at 10:17 am #806959
Cocaine is highly addictive drug. It’s usually not a hit it and quit it thing. It takes 14 days for somebody to become an addict to opiates which is usually your prescribed pain pills. Not everyone will become an instant addict but over time you do. I think you should do some research up on cocaine and addiction to see if this guy has some tale signs of it. It is extremely difficult to go through life with an addict so yes this would be something that could be a deal-breaker for you.November 5, 2018 at 10:18 am #806960
It doesn’t fit with your perception of him because he’s a liar. He’s pretended to be a different type of person from what he really is.
(Although, I’m curious as to why you’re okay with extended binge drinking but not drugs?)
He lied to you, easily, repeatedly. You’re right to not be sure whether you can trust him, because you can’t. He’s shown you that. It doesn’t really seem like you guys have the same fundamental ideals.November 5, 2018 at 10:20 am #806961
He lied about one thing he knew she would flip over. Let’s not call him a liar in general. Every human does this from time to time to avoid conflict.November 5, 2018 at 10:32 am #806963
Whose work allows them to party all day and night with alcohol involved? No job I ever had allowed this… Esp nowadays as emoployers are more cautious and especially the ones that have a human resource department. I’ve gone on business trips and have had drinks afterwards but made sure I didn’t get drunk as that would be considered unprofessional.November 5, 2018 at 10:48 am #806964
All night drinking after a party isn’t the norm in business but it’s far from unusual in many industries.November 5, 2018 at 10:54 am #806966
So I personally wouldn’t date someone who habitually does cocaine and this has been a deal-breaker for me in the past. I’m not sure how likely it is that this was the first time he’s done it, but like others have pointed out, it’s highly addictive.
Anyway, I think you need to break up with him. Even if there hadn’t been drug use, it’s pretty problematic that you were so suspicious just because he didn’t contact you while you knew he was out having fun with his coworkers. A lot of people are less likely to text their SO when they’re out with others. It doesn’t sound like you trusted him before you knew what happened that night, and you’ve been letting it gnaw at you for almost a year. You don’t trust him, just end it!November 5, 2018 at 11:17 am #806969
This is the first lie she knows about, but the bigger issue is he has portrayed himself as anti drug as she is. That’s bigger than just a white lie to me.November 5, 2018 at 12:08 pm #806974
If she stays with him, then the lesson he will learn is that using hard drugs and lying about it aren’t dealbreakers after all. In fact, he will have license to do just about anything, knowing she is unable to break away from him.