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Dear Wendy

Boyfriend problems, please help!!

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  • #1051280 Reply

    I have a boyfriend I’ve been dating coming up on three years now. We’re both in our early twenties. When I first met him, he was very driven and had goals for his career and for himself. He’s a sweet, loving boyfriend.

    However, with Covid we were both unemployed. I did get my job back, however, my boyfriend never did. He came up with lame excuses for not applying places, but I didn’t know how stressed he was and didn’t want to add to it. My dad offered him a job, which he took, and complained the entire time about how much he hated it before quitting. My dad privately told me that my bf only worked when he thought he was being watched & did very poor work that my dad had to fix. He still hasn’t found a job. He doesn’t do any hobbies anymore. He is retaking a class he failed and complains about how much work they are constantly, even though he’s only physically in class 2 days a week.

    On top of that, I can’t remember our last date. I know we were both rocked financially, but a year had passed and our state is fully open. I let him stay the night, clean the place up, cook him food, and try to plan dates for the whole weekend. Mostly, though, we watch Netflix. I don’t mind cheap/free dates, but he seems to only want to do the same things every weekend (like walk around the mall for 2 hours but not look in any stores) and spends the whole time we’re together playing games on his phone. I can’t cover dates anymore because of recent medical expenses and he doesn’t seem interested in my cheap/free ideas.

    When he does have money, he usually spends it out with friends instead of me. I know that it’s his money and I’m not entitled to it. However, he talks big about what he will do for me or what adventures we’ll go on one day. He also sees a future together and talks about us getting our first house. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem invested— or even present— in the here and now.

    What should I do? Should I sit down and talk to him? Should I break it off? I know he’s young, but is this a rough patch for us or is it a red flag? I care deeply about him, but I’m jaded.

    #1051858 Reply

    Honestly, this relationship seems to have run its course. You are both going through a stage of your lives where you’re changing dramatically and it’s probably not worth it to keep investing it. That being said for future relationships you need to be able to bring up and talk about the things that are bothering you.

    Also PLEASE get vaccinated before you start going out to restaurants or socializing in unprotected environments.

    #1051880 Reply

    My only experience with people like this is that it doesn’t get better. Especially if you enable them by doing everything for them. It’s an attitudinal thing. You should move on.

    #1051931 Reply

    I agree that this is not the right guy for you.

    Sounds like he talks good game but you’re seeing now that his words and actions don’t match. He can say that he has career goals but was he actually working to meet them or was he coasting by? When he worked for your dad did he think the job was beneath him and that’s why he half-assed it? Even if you know you have untapped skills, you do the job you have and hopefully move up the ranks by proving yourself. Especially if a) you’ve lost your job due to a pandemic and haven’t been able to find anything else and b) it’s your girlfriend’s dad – I mean, isn’t that one of the people you want to really impress because you’ve got an in to move up the proverbial ladder?

    I think you need to seriously consider moving on.

    #1052087 Reply

    This guy sounds really young and Covid19 has thrown many for a real loop. That said the way he blew off working for your dad is a real red flag.

    This relationship sounds so dreary, I remain confused why the decision to break up isn’t super obvious. Oh well. You are SO not alone in this. Lately, it seems most everyone is determined to stay in mediocre and shitty relationships for no sound reason whatsoever.

    Break the pattern! Please. Really. I’d be so very impressed.

    #1052129 Reply

    It kinda sounds like the boyfriend may be in a depressive slump at the moment if he’s also stopped enjoying his hobbies and doesn’t seem present at all anymore. I personally did not enjoy my early 20s that much because I was so overcome with anxiety about finding a job during a recession and repaying student loans. I’m sure I wasn’t a fun girlfriend. But it was a slump that only I was able to get myself out of. To that end, it’s not your responsibility to get him a job or motivate him. It’s not your job to cook, clean, or pick up after him. It’s not your job to fix him. If you think this is depression vs. someone who is mentally ok but unmotivated, you may encourage him to speak to a mental health professional. I’m sure he can find one through school. All that said, this relationship sounds like it has run its course.

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