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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Boyfriend Using Transgender Apps”

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  • #1112966 Reply
    Avatar photoDear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    “Hi! Hope this meets you well.

    Q: I discovered my boyfriend has a history of using transgender dating apps. He’s a doctor, athlete, proud fraternity alum, conservative, and very private. He is so ashamed and angrily and vehemently denies any attraction there. He wants to marry me and start a family. My concern is that he’s burying this and one day will need to get these alternate needs met.
    Is that a reasonable concern?

    Thank you! 🙏🏼 “

    #1112973 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yes, that’s completely a reasonable concern. He’s attracted to trans people and actively trying to connect with them. Absolutely be concerned that he’ll get physical with some of these folks if he hasn’t already.

    #1112975 Reply
    WhyDoWeExist
    Guest

    Sorry, I feel like more context is needed here. What does having a “history mean” though? How long ago was this? Is the behaviour still ongoing?

    Also, how did you learn this, and who did you learn this from? People have motives for acting.

    I mean the behaviour may be concerning, but without context I’m uncertain.

    #1112978 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I suppose maybe there’s a use case where he did this once or twice in the past when they weren’t together and never again, that possibly isn’t concerning?

    But like, downloading an app that allows you to interact with profiles of real people you could meet, that clearly shows intent and interest and attraction. Which he’s vehemently denying. So that right there is problematic because he’s not being honest. And if this app stuff was going on while they were together, huge red flag because he was looking for something outside the relationship and not being honest about it.

    #1112979 Reply
    WhyDoWeExist
    Guest

    I was more perhaps thinking that he downloaded this app once while drunk in college or something, and now a friend has ratted him out to her. Or perhaps, being human, he downloaded the app before they were together out of curiosity. Heck, maybe a friend put it on his phone as some bizarre joke?

    He could have also done it out of loneliness. I have a friend who is as straight as a ruler but experimented with homosexuality for a while because they had been single for a very long time and just wanted to feel intimacy with someone and didn’t care who it was. They later regretted it and denied it in front of people who didn’t know them when it happened. But it did happen. Everyone, including the LGBTQ+ people in our friend group, knew this person wasn’t gay. The whole situation was extremely sad.

    Her partner could also be Bi or Pan. If it happened before he met/started dating her, there shouldn’t be an issue. If his conservative upbringing prevents him from admitting the fact, that is cause for concern. Still, I don’t think it inherently implies that he has been/will be unfaithful.

    For all we know, she found out about him having downloaded the app by snooping on his phone and looking at his app store downloads, in which case there could be deeper trust issues at play. I’m not saying this happened, nor am I accusing LW of this. I am simply saying that without more context, I can’t render an opinion.

    #1112981 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    OMG, WDWE. This is seriously just not great advice. Women don’t need to give someone another try or MARRY them if they have serious concerns. We shouldn’t be dissuading her from getting to the bottom of this.

    Yeah, he is attracted and interested in trans people if he is actively and has a history of using apps and whatever else to connect with them. No one is on dating or hookup apps to make friends, really. The aggressive denials are a huge sign that you’re correct in your assumption that he’s buried this, he’s closeted and it will come out. Don’t be someone’s beard.

    Whydoweexist- how many relationships have you been in? Are you married? No one experiments with homosexuality out of loneliness. That’s called bisexuality. Or it’s being attracted to both sexes, at the very least. I think you are running under a lot of assumptions about people and groups that are just not true.

    “Maybe he was just lonely,” well if he’s that lonely while he’s in a relationship with her…he’s probably not fulfilled in the relationship, and they shouldn’t get married! Something’s lacking.

    #1112982 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    Her partner isn’t trying to hook up with men, her partner is using transgender dating apps.

    #1112983 Reply
    Avatar photoCopa
    Participant

    It’s unclear if the boyfriend is currently on the apps or if it’s a past behavior.

    If he’s currently active on the apps, time to bolt. I’d not need more information. I wouldn’t care if he was looking at women, men, trans people, etc. Getting on an app isn’t something someone does for funsies and if they’re bored they should do literally anything else. This is coming from someone who has an ex who was using at least one online dating app while we were together while telling me he saw us together for the long haul. It’s not nothing.

    If this is a past behavior, IDK. I think I’d need more info. Even if it was in the past, it sounds like he’s kind of a self-hating conservative. IDK that even if he is attracted to trans men he’d one day *need to get these needs met*, but I’d be wary of someone in denial about who they are.

    @WhyDoWeExist Your friend is not straight as a ruler. Your friend is at a minimum bicurious and I’m sorry they felt so much shame around that. It’s not a shameful thing. But given what I know about you/your occupation, probably another self-hating conservative.

    LW, ultimately I’d say if something feels off… don’t ignore it.

    #1112986 Reply
    WhyDoWeExist
    Guest

    To clarify. My argument is that we don’t know if he is currently using them or not. The post says he has a History but does not clarify that. That is my concern. It also states she found out, but not how, which given the partners’ denial, implies it wasn’t through him.


    @Anonymousse
    , I have not given any advice. I have stated that without some more information giving advice would be, from my point of view, unwise. We do not know when this behaviour happened, how it happened or if it happened while they were together or not. Heck, we don’t even know how long they have been together. Perhaps he is using her a beard, perhaps he isn’t. Without context, that cannot be reasonably determined.

    #1112987 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I’m a little curious how she found out too. If she was going through his phone, it suggests she already had a suspicion or a reason not to trust him or he was acting sketchy. I think it’s extremely unlikely that someone reached out and told her this for malicious reasons and it’s not true. If a third party did tell her, it’s probably because they think she needs to be warned.

    But yeah. Look, no one who’s “straight as a ruler” or lonely or bored, is downloading trans dating apps! They’re doing it because they’re attracted to trans people and curious about meeting them. You don’t just do something like that because you’re human, you download Tinder or look at porn. So to me, even if he’s not doing this right now, which honestly he probably is, it’s still a red flag to me because he’s in denial that he’s attracted to trans people and probably trying to hide in this straight relationship but something is going to blow up at some point.

    #1112988 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    She asked if it’s a reasonable concern. The answer is YES! Emphatically, unequivocally YES this should be a concern.

    Telling her that maybe he was just lonely isn’t good advice. If you don’t think what you write here is advice, or that you can reasonably give it, maybe you shouldn’t.

    #1112989 Reply
    Anonymousse
    Guest

    **If you don’t think you have enough information to reasonably give advice, then you shouldn’t.

    Telling someone the man who is trying to marry her and start a family was just may have been lonely, is, I would argue advice-that she should sweep it under the rug. Giving examples of your friends who were only gay for a time- preposterous! Is also not helpful or great advice to this woman.

    I noticed you didn’t answer any of my questions. Have you been in many successful relationships?

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