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Boyfriend works full time, doesn’t do ANY housework at all

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This topic contains 58 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by avatar Northern Star 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #809924 Reply
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    Anny

    My boyfriend works full time and I’m currently unemployed. I do the dishes, the washing, vacuuming, tidying, recycling and taking out the trash, as well as take care of our dog. Walk, feed and water, and take out to potty several times throughout the day.
    He hasn’t volunteered to do ANYTHING since I’ve lived with him (1 month now). I don’t mind doing a majority of the housework, but I end up feeling frustrated when I ask something small from him and I get a solid “No, I work”.
    I.e. i asked him to take out the dog so she can go pee. It was early and he was already up for work. He absolutely refused. It made me feel frustrated that I had to wake up and get out of bed when it would’ve taken him only 2 minutes to do. His reason for saying no is that he works. His perspective is that since I don’t work, he thinks i sit around and do nothing all day. Which isn’t true at all, I do ALL of the housework. He called me ungrateful bc i made a deal about taking the dog out. Am I wrong for asking for help with small menial task? Should 100% of the housework be left to me soley cause I do not work?

    On a side note: I’m not choosing to not work. I legally cannot work since I’m on a visa in his country.

    #809925 Reply
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    MaltaKano

    His dismissal of your small requests for help is a bad sign. If he can’t be bothered to let his dog out in the morning, how would he pitch in with things once you can get a job? And if you want kids? Do you think he’ll happily pull his weight around the house when your circumstances change? If not, I’d seriously consider moving on, because the dynamic you’re describing is not healthy.

    #809932 Reply
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    JD

    His attitude toward you is a big problem. I don’t work right now and my husband does and he will do pretty much anything I ask. I don’t so much since I am home but on the nights i don’t want to cook or take the dog out he is happy to help. His “I work” comment is not right unless you aren’t really pulling the weight you say you are and he’s upset about that or something. But even then he needs to be an adult and discuss that with you not behave how he is.

    You don’t mention how long you were together before you moved to another country for him but it seems you guys might not have properly discussed everything you need to ahead of time.

    #809936 Reply
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    dogmom

    Wait, are the poster who’s frequently posting about your ex being a jackass and custody issues and stuff? If so, did you move to another country with your daughter? And if so, this guy treating you like dirt is a REALLY bad example for your kid. If you’re the poster I’m thinking of, you need to dump this guy, move back to your home country where you have a support system, get massive amounts of therapy and be alone until you figure out why you keep picking losers.

    #809938 Reply
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    ron

    He is being a dick about not doing little things to help when requested, and this may not bode well for the future. The tinge of resentment in “I work” is concerning in two ways: he is angry and a little nasty — this is not a loving response, but also it seems he believes LW is lazy and lounges in bed when he has to be up and off to work. In this regard her complaint that it is untrue that she sits around all day and does nothing, since she does ALL of the housework seems an oversell: she doesn’t mention child care; unlike most unemployed she isn’t allowed to look for work so that consumes no time; they are probably living in an apartment, so how much housework is their for a household of two adults and a dog? She probably does appear to be increasingly lazy, but… It is very easy to fall into a lazy, almost inert depressed funk, when you are alone in an apartment all day, having been used to the mental challenge and personal interaction of being employed in your prior life. BF seems unaware or at least totally unsympathetic to this reality. He should be looking for things to challenge her mentally, give her something to look forward to each morning, and provide social interaction. This relationship seems dysfunctional, with neither seeing the other through loving eyes. It really is time to MOA back home.

    #809939 Reply
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    Kate

    Yikes. If you are that same Anny, where is your child, and why did you move out of the country to live with a man you apparently don’t know that well? And even if you’re a different poster, WHY would you give up your financial independence and move in with a guy who sounds like a jerk, without having discussed division of household tasks? What is going on here?

    #809940 Reply
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    Kate

    And look, either you have the kind of relationship where you can say, let’s figure out what we’re both going to do on a weekly basis with regard to the apartment and dog… and establish a routine that works for both of you… or you don’t. If you don’t, you need to get out of there.

    #809941 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    It sounds as if in his head, he sees your doing all the household tasks as reimbursement for his financial support. Have you ever had a conversation about that? What’s the long term plan here? Will you stay in his country permanently? Can you secure the necessary paperwork you need to be able to work? If not, how does he feel about permanently being the sole source of money?

    #809942 Reply
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    Anny

    No this is not the same Anny. This is my first time posting on this website and I have no kids:

    #809943 Reply
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    Anny

    I’m staying in the country for a few months and the plan was that he’d move to my country since I cannot move to his, i can only visit here.
    And I agree, it seems like me doing the household work is reimbursement to him.

    #809944 Reply
    Lucidity
    Lucidity
    Member

    “Am I wrong for asking for help with small menial task? Should 100% of the housework be left to me soley cause I do not work?”

    I don’t think we can answer these questions for you. Every couple is different, and should work out an arrangement that suits their needs. You should have had a conversation about the division of household labor before you moved in.

    I assume you’re not paying rent, or contributing to bills, since you don’t have a source of income, correct? Personally, if I were staying with a partner rent-free, and they were working full time and (I assume) paying for my food and expenses, I would jump at the chance to contribute by taking on all of the household chores. I would happily get up to take the dog out in the morning because, as a pet owner, I know from experience how rushed you can feel when you’re trying to care for them and get ready for work at the same time. It’s really not a big deal; you can always go right back to bed.

    That being said, I would expect my partner to express gratitude for my contributions, treat me with respect, and volunteer to pitch in with tasks I’m unable to get done myself. It’s hard to feel valued when your partner responds to you with resentment. It sounds like he expected things to be different too, which is why discussing these things prior to moving in is so important.

    It’s time to have a conversation about how the way he speak to you makes you feel, and about how you’d like household chores to be divided. If you’re incapable of having a calm, adult conversation about this, or if he dismisses your feelings just because you don’t work, then I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.

    #809945 Reply
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    Anny

    He is paying rent. But I’ve been paying the gas and electric since I’ve gotten here, which is paid weekly. I’ve been here a month and two weeks. I’ve also been contributing to food cost and also giving him a little bit of money here and there.
    It’s not that I don’t have any income coming in. I get $500 a month, but that’s being put towards car insurance back at home, vet bills that I’m paying off, and other bills.

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