- This topic has 10 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 1 week ago by Anna.
May 18, 2020 at 5:05 pm #886190LuckyLilGuest
Hi everyone, this could be a long read but I’ll try to summarize.
There is a guy in my boyfriend’s group of friends who has repeatedly made me uncomfortable. Let’s call my boyfriend’s friend, “Bill.” So Bill is definitely a player. Two and a half years ago, before I even met my boyfriend, I went home with Bill with the intention of hooking up with him. However, for a number of reasons, I decided not to go through with it, and left. Basically, I just made out with Bill. The funny part is that at one point, I wore my shoes in his bed and got mud all over his sheets. Embarrassing but funny story in hindsight. I’ve seen Bill many times since, and it was never awkward, we actually got along pretty well. He would still flirt with me, and I’d be friendly to him, but I didn’t reciprocate the flirting. He also never brought up that night until a few months ago.
Fast forward, I started dating a different guy in his friend group. We have a wonderful relationship, and we have been together for several months now. I also get along with my boyfriend’s circle of friends really well. My boyfriend knows about the time I went home with Bill and doesn’t care. However, whenever Bill is there, he has brought up my night with him several times. It is usually in the form of, “Hey ___, do you remember…” The first time was in front of a group on the night I met my boyfriend. We all laughed it off, but it caught me off guard. Other people in the group told me privately that they found it odd that Bill brought it up, too.
The next few times were during one-on-one conversations with Bill. I figured he was just trying to be funny, so again I laughed it off and ignored it. This weekend, I was hanging out with the same circle, and Bill brought it up in front of everyone, including my boyfriend. This time, I didn’t laugh. I said, “Bill, will I ever hear the end of it from you?” and he basically continued teasing me.
I have told my boyfriend that I am not comfortable with Bill repeatedly mentioning our night together. I find it disrespectful. I also have told him that I feel it is inappropriate for Bill to be saying such things in front of the guy I’m dating. My boyfriend agrees, and he said that if I stand up for myself next time he does it, he will back me up. My boyfriend also told me that apparently, Bill continually talks about that night with his close friends, even when I’m not around. Their friends also find Bill’s behavior strange. I don’t hate Bill, but this behavior is getting old. I want to stand up to Bill, but I’m admittedly a pushover, so I don’t want to disturb the peace too much. Why is Bill doing this? How can I stand up to him?May 18, 2020 at 5:17 pm #886191anonymousseParticipant
Because he can see he’s getting a reaction from you about it. I’d guess he also is a misogynist and loves trying to insinuate you’re a slut or whatever he’s trying to say. It’s gross and creepy and you should absolutely stand up for yourself instead of letting him continually harass you.
The next time he says it, say it again that you’re tired of hearing about it, everyone is tired of hearing about it. It’s not an interesting story. If he presses say something that will shut him up like, “Thank god I had the good sense to leave when I did, can you imagine? It was not my best night but I would have never forgiven myself for going further with a player like you.” Or you know, something just about as cutting. If you can make it funnier, that’d be good because I doubt he wants all of his friends laughing at him.May 18, 2020 at 5:42 pm #886193FYIGuest
I don’t want to disturb the peace too much.
Bill is the one disturbing the peace. Make sure you know that for future reference. When someone acts like an ass, they’re the one who is causing discomfort, not you for calling it out.
Why is Bill doing this?
Misogyny? Ego? Who cares WTF goes on in Bill’s head.
How can I stand up to him?
“It’s weird and pathetic that you can’t let go of that one small interaction.” Emphasize the word small.May 18, 2020 at 8:32 pm #886203golfer.galGuest
“Wow Bill, it’s pathetic how obsessed you are with me. Have you really had so few romantic interactions that one kiss from X years ago is all you think about? Sad.”
“Bill, you’re obsession with me has crossed into creepy. Seriously, stop it, it’s pathetic”
“Thank god I picked up on the creepy vibes from you and left that night, can you imagine the if I hadn’t? How gross”
Total, awkward silence with zero acknowledgement of what he says is also a good option. He wants a reaction, so stop giving it.May 19, 2020 at 5:32 am #886218KateKeymaster
I think some of those kinds of remarks might work on like Twitter or a group chat if they were cutting AND funny, but they won’t work for you in person because Bill is a creepy weirdo who craves a reaction from you. All your bf’s friends who are gossiping about this and “laughing it off” instead of telling their friend Bill to knock it off actually enjoy the drama and are part of the problem.
For whatever reason, Bill likes to see you get uncomfortable, or he wouldn’t keep bringing this up. He’d probably like to see you angry too. He doesn’t care, he just wants a reaction. He probably likes thinking he’s embarrassing your boyfriend too. He needs to know you two don’t care, and it won’t be fun to bring it up anymore. He says, “do you remember…?” You say “do I remember what?” He says, “that time you came home with me and got mud on my sheets” (personally I don’t get why this is funny or memorable in any way, but ok), and then you say, with no affect, “yeah, that happened…” And what’s he gonna say to that? Literally what else is there to say? Don’t laugh, don’t get mad, don’t get uncomfortable and ask him to stop, just acknowledge it and move on. Also, really think about these people you’re hanging out with who will tell you that this guy keeps talking about you but don’t tell him to stfu. This is not a great group of people.May 19, 2020 at 7:36 am #886228LisforLeslieGuest
I’m guessing that part of this is that he wants everyone to know that “he got there first” – which is laughable because he didn’t. I agree that he wants to get a rise out of you – sometimes people just want some attention, good or bad.
It’d be great if your boyfriend could ask one of his other friends to just cut through the bullshit and say “Bill, dude, you are obsessing about this and it’s really weird and you need to get over it because it’s getting creepy as fuck.” That would take you and your bf out of the whole equation and let Bill know that he’s become the weird guy.
But when it happens again – some of the comments above are good. You could also try “Bill, you’re repeating yourself. Please find something new to talk about because this is so fucking boring.” Or maybe every time he brings it up – turn to your boyfriend or one of his other friends and say “Yeah Bill. Hey Dave do you remember the night we went to dinner and you held the door open and I walked through it? So crazy right?” Do it every fucking time. “Hey Dave – remember that time?”May 19, 2020 at 10:08 am #886233golfer.galGuest
I was (mostly) kidding with my suggested responses, but serious about giving him the dead silent treatment. No laughing, no commenting. Look bored, take out your phone, ignore him completely, ask someone else a question. The key is to make it obvious that you literally don’t care, because it’s clear he’s doing this to get a rise out of you, and also possibly as a weird thing where he’s trying to insinuate he “got there” first over your boyfriend.
Either way, Bill is telling you something very clearly with his behavior. Namely, that he’s troubled, misogynistic, and someone you shouldn’t spend time around alone (or at all if you can help it). It would also be fair to ask your boyfriend to take the lead in shutting him down. It’s clear he’s trying to unnerve you, and having your boyfriend say “dude stop obsessing over my girlfriend, the joke is old and it’s getting creepy” may, sadly, be more effective. I also wonder if exchanging a knowing glance and smile with your boyfriend every time he does it may work, it will signal that you find him an object of private ridicule.May 19, 2020 at 10:34 am #886234KateKeymaster
Yeah something else that’s going on here is that you were fine with it before… it was friendly and funny… until you got with your bf. And you feel like now it’s disrespectful. Which is valid, it’s just that the issue is really with your boyfriend not doing anything about this. Which brings me back to thinking it’s not so cool that he and his friends are talking about this but not shutting it down.
Ideally everyone would stop talking about it, no one would care, and when Bill brings it up everyone just yawns and changes the subject. But it looks like you’re going to have to be the one to handle it.May 19, 2020 at 11:05 am #886235BittergaymarkGuest
Eh, I’d just ignore it. Give him no reaction, whatsoever. Saying he’s obsessed with you will only make you both look silly. Right now — only he looks bad.May 19, 2020 at 12:21 pm #886239dinocerosParticipant
Maybe if you start talking about how bad a kisser Bill is or that he had bad breath every time he brings it up, he’ll stop wanting to.
Also, I don’t think she was clearly “fine” with it to begin with. You can not like someone’s joke, but not be that annoyed with them if you think it’s one-time thing. When you realize that they aren’t going to give it up is when a lot of people get more annoyed/stop pretending to think it’s funny.May 20, 2020 at 5:13 pm #886327AnnaGuest
I totally had a guy do something similar to me a few years back. Just would not stop bringing it up and it was weird.
The Bill’s of the world: “hey, remember that time we made out years ago? Yeah lol you were into me.”
Us: “huh, I’m glad you remember it fondly because I hadn’t thought about it in ages until you kept bringing it up. I guess, of the two of us, one of us just wasn’t that memorable.”
*blithe smile, shrug, sip of beverage*