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Dear Wendy

Breakup-was it my fault?

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by bittergaymark Bittergaymark 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #838091 Reply

    So yesterday, my boyfriend dumped me. It seemed to come out of the blue according to me and pretty much everyone, because the day before he was acting into me and was insisting on making me food before we broke up from university for our Easter break. He was also going on about how he was going to miss me non-stop and how much he loved me. The night before we broke up, he had some friends round (this guy never properly introduced me to any of his friends) and acted completely off with me during the night and next day; I’d previously got a bit upset with him as it was the last night we would have been able to spend together as he was working tonight and he completely forgot that we had plans. However he said he was going to kick his friends out early and come to see me, which didn’t happen. He completely ignored me during the day, responding with short messages when I asked if I could get a coat of mine which I had left at his. He refused to come and meet me, making me walk all the way to his only to dump me as soon as I got there. He told me he didn’t love me the way he thought he did, and had been seeing for weeks if he could change his mind, etc. This news shocked everyone around us as his acting skills had been brilliant and he acted really into me. Naturally, I’m devastated as I spent half a year of my life on this guy. He then brought me my stuff back, leaving it outside my university halls and not telling me that it was there until ten minutes later in just a text saying ‘it’s outside’; when my friend questioned him as to why he did this he started lying that I left something of his outside on the floor, which is not true as after we broke up I didn’t leave my accommodation. I’m heartbroken, as not even two weeks before he declared to me that I was ‘the love of his life’… I just don’t understand how someone can change that much in the space of 24 hours. I feel like it’s all my fault, I’ve been crying non stop for hours

    #838118 Reply

    It’s not your fault. He just changed his mind. I know it’s hard, and maybe you keep reliving every single moment with him and rethinking situations and questioning yourself. But try not to focus so much on the past and focus on moving forward. Make a plan to move on, maybe block him, don’t talk to him, find a new hobby. He is the past now, sometimes relationships don’t work and it’s ok. Now you need to focus on you.

    #838119 Reply

    It’s not healthy, especially at this point, to look at a break-up through the lens of “what did I do wrong??”. Instead, give yourself a little bit of time to grieve, and then focus on your life instead. With time, you’ll have more clarity as to why you two were incompatible, and it will be clear that it’s not an issue of fault from either of you.

    When you’re ready to stop grieving, start doing things. Keep busy. When you find yourself sitting around feeling sad, start moving. Do something you’ve never done before. Hang out with someone you haven’t seen in a long time or that you’ve never really done stuff with alone. Healing will come.

    #838125 Reply

    Well, it didn’t change in 24 hours. He said he’d been feeling that way for awhile. I know it hurts, but it will get better. Get busy with your friends and family on your break and try to stay focused on yourself. Treat yourself the next week or so.

    It’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done better or differently that would make him love you. And even if you had, he wouldn’t be in love with you, he’d love the fake you trying to make him love you. That’s honestly never something you should concern yourself over. Don’t try to be someone else. Being yourself, the real you-is the best shot at real love you can get.

    He broke up with you in kind of a shitty way, and has since been a bit of a jerk with your belongings, too. So you now know he’s not that great of a guy. He isn’t the right guy for you.

    The next few weeks will undoubtedly be the worst, but soon you’ll feel like yourself again. Try to be easy on yourself and have fun, stay busy. Go back to school with your confidence hopefully restored. It’s not you, it’s that he changed his mind, or realized his feelings weren’t there.

    #838127 Reply

    A lot of young people don’t really know how to work out problems in their relationships or express their unhappiness. They feel that unless the other person has done something wrong that it’s wrong for them to leave, until it kind of reaches a breaking point. It’s non uncommon in college relationships for these kinds of unhappy romantic situations to kind of float along out of inertia and then abruptly end.

    You keep bringing up what your friends thought of the situation-they’re not in the relationship. Their opinion doesn’t matter.

    It doesn’t matter if it’s your “fault.” He wasn’t happy and he wanted out. That’s enough. He doesn’t owe you justification.

    #838128 Reply

    FWIW, the fact that he never properly introduced you to his friends or integrated you in his social life after a year and half was a warning sign that he was ambivalent about the relationship.

    #838129 Reply

    Many young men in their first relationships will lay on the “love of my life” stuff because they think that’s what’s expected of them as good partners. It’s not necessarily dishonest but they don’t have any basis for saying it and it shouldn’t be relied upon. It may as much as anything have been an attempt to paper over his unhappiness with bold romantic pronouncements.

    #838130 Reply

    Fyodor has some really good points.
    I agree it’s a bad sign that he never really brought you around his friends.

    #838133 Reply

    It wasn’t a year and a half. It was six months.

    College is pretty early to meet the “love of your life.” It happens to some people, but believe me you have so much changing and growing and evolving to come. Give yourself room to expand without locking yourself in for a “life” relationship.

    #838140 Reply

    Nah this is not on you. He was either feeling it until he stopped feeling it, he was trying to fake it until he felt it or he is a psycho.

    Not your fault.

    #838144 Reply

    I know 6 months feels long to you…but it isn’t really. Be grateful you only invested that and not 4 years. Break ups are sometimes no one’s fault. Block him. Delete his contact. If he is a liar then getting over him should be easier. Surely you don’t want to be with someone who lies about you? Focus on the fact that you are no longer tied to someone whose actions didn’t match his words and next time make sure that someone telling you you are the love of his life has actually integrated you into his life.

    #838664 Reply

    Ah I’ve been through this a few times before… it’s not your fault. I totally understand your pain of being blindsided when you think things are going great. I think sometimes people feel ambivalent in relationships but try to do the “right” thing and be nice and try to love who they’re with. But then time passes and they realize they just can’t feel that “spark” and end up hurting the person they’re with by not cutting them loose earlier. It really stinks and I’m sorry you’re hurting.

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