Breakup
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My 2 year relationship ended back in May due to my ex cheating on me. I had caught him going to the gym with another girl and the girl had shared their texts and they had been texting for about a week and that was their first meet up. I had my suspicions that something wasn’t right because he went to the gym and didn’t call me on his way there and had been acting really off that day.
With that said I had previously experienced micro cheating with him such as watching porn, having a wondering eye, and liking girl’s pictures. Since then he has expressed that he never controlled his lust and it kept escalating and ended him doing things he never thought he could do such as meeting up with someone else. He has been transparent and shared with me that his intentions with girl was to sleep with her and that he was being lustful. He has also been going to therapy and has been very persistent on me going to therapy with him and working on our relationship.
It’s about to be 3 months since our breakup and I have also been attending individual therapy because the betrayal broke my heart into a million pieces. I can’t shake off the feelings I have for him and I feel so dumb that I even continue to be on the fence about someone who isn’t 100% sure about me. I’m split between moving on or giving it one last chance even though I feel like I gave him so many chances. My therapist did express that I can either give therapy a chance as well as working on the relationship and that if I don’t see a true change that can help me move on or to expose my myself to new people and find out that he isn’t the one for me once I get to meet other people.
I’m truly tired of being in the grey are where I can’t make a choice and I’m wanting to make one as soon as possible. I’m about to be 27 in September and so is he, I’ve had my fair share of witnessing failed marriages and I wouldn’t want that to be my outcome. I’ve also come to realize that most of these relationships don’t work because one partner doesn’t want to put in the work or doesn’t make the necessary changes. In a world of imperfect people I know that my goal is to not find a perfect partner but someone who is 100% sure about me. Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome.
Hi Selena, I don’t agree that your “goal is to not find a perfect partner but someone who is 100% sure about you.” I don’t think that should even necessarily be a priority. First of all, what does is it mean to be “100% sure about you”? It’s such a vague phrase. How will you recognize it when you see it? Be specific about your goal, about what you want. What does “100% sure about you” look like? Is it actions? Is it showing up for you in a certain way? Is it words he says? How does it feel? Name what it is exactly that you’d like to see and hear and feel with a partner so that you can recognize it when you find it.
By reframing your thought and phrasing here, you center yourself – what you want and need – rather than centering this other hypothetical person and what he thinks about you. YOU are in charge here. YOU are doing the choosing. You’re not waiting for someone to decide whether’s he sure about you or not. If our thoughts direct what we attract to ourselves – and I believe they do – think about the qualities you find attractive in a potential partner. I know there must be something you want beyond someone who is sure about you.
But weeding out someone who ISN’T sure about you after two years is a fine way to use that measurement. Since your ex falls into this category, I think it’s safe and advisable to keep him an ex and to open your heart and open space in your life for someone who will be a better fit for you.
It’s great you’re both in therapy individually, but I’d move on from this guy. I do believe people can change if they’re motivated, but I also believe real, lasting change is slow… two or three months of therapy doesn’t make for a changed man. This is someone who crossed your boundaries multiple times and continued to cross them in escalating ways. And it sounds like you only found out about the other woman because she showed you their texts.
From what’s written, it doesn’t actually sound like you’ve cut ties from this guy in meaningful ways, so it’s no wonder you can’t shake off your feelings for him. Try staying in therapy but going no contact.
Please don’t hang on to potential. You will continue to invest years in someone’s what-if… unless that’s what you’re wanting? But it doesn’t sound like it. I did this for 8 years with an ex who couldn’t stay faithful while he kept showing me who he was. I was afraid to leave and be alone, but believe me- that is so much better than fishing for crumbs. You deserve the whole cookie! Just figure out what your dealbreakers are don’t justify anything other than that. Keep looking at this thread when you feel weak or uncertain .
I support your need to walk away and I’m glad you’re in therapy – but I think your expectations of a partner are a bit unrealistic. All of the “Micro-cheating” examples can be deal breakers, especially if excessive or as a replacement for spending time with you. Someone who looks at an attractive person on occasion is normal. Someone can’t hold up their end of a conversation because they are staring at every woman passing by… different. So I think you need to ask yourself and maybe work with your therapist whether you are setting yourself up to fail by having such high expectations of a partner that you’re always going to be disappointed?
If you’re tired of being in the grey area, take a step (or many, run) away from it and realize this option is over for you. You’ve wasted enough time on this guy.
You want a guy who says he is 100% sure about you. What does that mean? Does this mean your cheating ex wasn’t sure about you? Do you think that’s why he cheated? I don’t.
He doesn’t want a serious, committed relationship. Saying “I’m lustful” isn’t an excuse, it’s an admission that he isn’t close to serious relationship-ready. Don’t look back. You have enough info to know you have a better chance of the relationship you want with the next guy you date. I think it would be a serious mistake to go to therapy with him to work on your relationshp. MOA for good.
He doesn’t want a serious, committed relationship. Saying “I’m lustful” isn’t an excuse, it’s an admission that he isn’t close to serious relationship-ready. Don’t look back. You have enough info to know you have a better chance of the relationship you want with the next guy you date. I think it would be a serious mistake to go to therapy with him to work on your relationshp. MOA for good.
