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Broken / trust no one

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  • #876062 Reply
    avatarbluedog
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    6 years relationship, starting in 2014. We lived together. We were engaged in 2016. In 2017 she had to go live abroad for what was supposed to be a short time (6 months). But she did not come back after 6 months. Then she was supposed to come back in 2018. She had to delay again. From 2018 onward I was ”ghosted” 3 times. First time, she stopped all contacts in the summer of 2018. Around 2 months later she contacted me, in October. I took her back. Spring 2019, I took a plane and went to visit her for a week. Then she ghosted me during the summer of 2019. She contacted me again 4 months later, in November. She was very cold, but she said he wanted to come back to resume our life as a couple. We were in almost daily contact during that period. Early December she made plans to come visit me; this was to allow us to plan for her definite return that she was now planing for the summer of 2020. She bought plane tickets for an 8 days visit in March. Since I live far from the city, she asked me to rent a place in the city for her stay as it would be more convenient for her. I rented a place. Mid January she started acting weird, texts were scarce etc. I asked her to let me know when her plane was due to land because I wanted to make plans to meet her at the airport. She did not answer. She texted she was busy, and that I should not burden her. She told me to stop contacting her for the time being but wouldn’t let me know what was her intentions regarding the trip. I gave her her space. From January to early February I sent 2 texts to ask how she was, and about the trip. The texts were read days later, but she did not answer them. On social media I saw that she was active, etc. At a loss, on February 5th, I called her mother whom I know well enough. She had her call me the same day. She was cold, talked constantly about herself and how life is so difficult for her, did not even asked how I was. She knew one of my close relatives died in late January but did not acknowledge it or offer her regrets. She occupied the whole conversation. She told me she was not coming due to having much work, etc. Than she said she had to take a shower and cut me short. Since then she blocked me everywhere. I am left with a broken heart, lost hopes, many questions unanswered, a rental I have no use for and I can’t get my money back (925$) as it is nonrefundable. And I only have myself to blame; I think I had plenty of red flags. In my defense, I really cared and loved that person. I feel hopeless. I am 44. How on earth am I ever rebuild my life at this point? I thought I had really connected with this person. I don’t even know how I will ever be able to connect, trust someone else. I am really discouraged.

    #876064 Reply
    avatarron
    Guest

    Likeliest: she found someone else. Second likeliest: she had a mental break or got into drugs. Either way, she obviously doesn’t want to be with you.

    You’ve taken the first step in admitting it’s over. No need to beat yourself up over it. Therapy to help get over this and lots of activities. See friends and family, volunteer. You will be able to trust someone else in future.

    #876067 Reply
    avatarFYI
    Guest

    It’s not other people that you need to trust. You need to trust yourself. You knew something was wrong, probably two or three years ago. That’s not blame, that’s encouragement. Your gut was talking to you all along. You overrode what it was saying, because you were desperate. (It’s okay; it happens.) All of that is good news, because it says that you have a functioning, super-accurate intuition.

    You just need to learn to listen to it, because it will always tell you loud and clear what your boundaries are. Oddly enough, good boundaries help you connect much more intimately to others. I said boundaries, not walls.

    It’s not hard to listen to yourself, start to trust yourself, and have some boundaries. Tons of books on it. Get one or two. Oh, and your first boundary can be blocking this person on all platforms. Don’t let her ruin more of your life by believing “I’ll never love again” etc. Stop that kind of talk and get riled up. $925 is a small price to pay for peace of mind and a new sense of worth.

    #876129 Reply
    avatarbluedog
    Guest

    Thank you Ron and FYI for your words of encouragement. It’s hard to pick up the pieces but it helps to be validated. Thanks.

    #876339 Reply
    avatarAnon
    Guest

    I agree with FYI. Just think of this as a lesson learned. Understand why you were desperate to be with this woman. Was it her that you liked or was it more about having someone. Understanding more of the decisions you made will help you not only overcome them, but will help you not make those same mistakes again.

    Take time to heal. Next time when you see red flags dont collect them and stay, get 1 or 2 and move on from that person.

    #876341 Reply
    avatarLisforLeslie
    Guest

    There is a not-that-fine line between being patient and allowing someone to use you. Somewhere you let the line get so blurry that you didn’t see that she was just using you. Possibly she reached out when she was lonely and she needed a boost to her ego. But you let her do this over and over and over. So you need to figure out why you allowed someone to treat you so cruelly; you deserve better.

    This is not the only person in the world. At 44 your life is far from over. You have what 30-40 more years (or more) to meet women and have relationships? I know people who have met and married in their 70’s/80s. Join clubs, get involved with different groups. Join a book club, learn to play bridge, take continuing education/life long learning classes.

    #876350 Reply
    CurlyQueCurlyQue
    Participant

    @bluedog you mention you’re 44, how old is she? I think it could be really helpful in understanding what happened here.

    #877277 Reply
    avatardirtorsoil
    Guest

    I would say “why on earth would you keep pining after someone who has quite literally kicked you in the face by rejecting you multiple times” except, I have done this myself. I understand the intoxication and the pull of trying to get someone who once loved you, to love you again. You know this already, but you can’t compel anyone to do anything. Right now you probably feel emotionally disemboweled, which is perfectly normal. Realistically (and I am making assumptions here) you are financially stable (enough to pay for lodging) in good health and alive on the planet. That puts you head and shoulders above many ppl. Do an inventory of what you do have, remind yourself daily. A wise friend once said to me when my boyfriend died, “Grief is like silver, it tarnishes over time.” That would apply to this as well. Plow through the suck, know that it will get better and soon you _will_ be better.

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