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Dear Wendy

Buy the car?

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This topic contains 115 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar IfIMay 3 months, 4 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 116 total)
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  • #845589 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    To be fair to the LW, we don’t know it’s a flashy new car. I actually pictured the opposite, like a Jeep or truck or something since he said it was also a work car.

    And really, do all parties need to be able to drive three different cars?

    I’d be able to give a better opinion if I knew what kind of vehicle he wanted and the state of the others. Everything else is speculation. I’m willing to give the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.

    I might be biased though because the husband and I own approximately zero cars. Thank god.

    #845592 Reply

    The root of it is she said no, and that should count for something, especially when it’s their joint budget being affected.

    #845597 Reply
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    keyblade
    Member

    “Found one at very reasonable price that has virtually no impact to our budget”

    Did you discuss shopping for a less expensive manual car with her before you found one you could afford without trading in the one you currently drive? Did you expect her to be fully on board because it’s mostly you driving the car? Will she need a new car pretty soon, too? Would she rather have cheaper car payments because of other needs or mutual items? Joint money and big purchases tend to be very individualized based on the people involved. Tough to say without getting into relationship, not to mention income weeds.

    #845623 Reply
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    Miss MJ

    The root of it is she said no, and that should count for something, especially when it’s their joint budget being affected.

    @anonymousse, I get this. But at the same time, taking the LW at his word that (1) they really can afford this car; (2) it would be his primary car, not hers, and (3) her only objection is that she wouldn’t have chosen the car he really wants, I don’t think it’s fair for one spouse to have ultimate “veto” power. She’s not his mother. He’s not asking permission, per se. And, it’s his money, too. If it’s affordable, he should be able to buy himself the car he wants, even if it’s not the most practical thing in the world.

    Sometimes compromise in a relationship is actually saying “I wouldn’t have chosen this, but since we can afford it, it doesn’t impact my daily life, and it makes you happy, then get it for yourself. Enjoy!”

    #845624 Reply
    bagge72
    bagge72
    Participant

    Man people are adding a lot more to this guys story than has actually been said. All of the sudden this guy has two old junkers that the wife hates, and are going to breakdown any day now, and leave the wife stranded so her only course of action is to drive this guys work car. I mean what’s this guy going to do when his car is at the body shop, or mechanic and he can’t get out in time to pick it up? or if it’s parked behind the other cars, because you know he only has the driveway where he has to park the cars behind each other, and his is always going to be at the end.

    I couldn’t imagine my wife coming up to me, and saying. Oh I need to purchase a car for work use, and I’m looking at this reliable sporty little number, that is a stick shift, and has little to no impact on our budget, and then coming back and being like. Oh hey, you know that car I’m not driving, that you are spending most of your time in for work, well you can’t have that, because I don’t drive a stick, and it has no impact on my life since I can’t drive anyways, because it’s for your work use.

    If she doesn’t like the cars she has, she needs to work that out with him and get the cars she wants, at little to no extra cost to the budget, just like he did.

    #845625 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    Your wife is being selfish if this “isnt what she wants” as YOUR next car that is NOT intended for her to ever drive. She has two other options to drive and when the time comes to get a newer vechile she can make that decision on what she wants. Marriage requires a give and take not a total dictate.

    #845626 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    “The root of it is she said no, and that should count for something, especially when it’s their joint budget being affected.”

    You’re right, it should count for something. However, we don’t know the reason for her “no”. Everyone is assigning “midlife crisis/wants to leave wife stranded at home” to the LW when it could just as easily be the wife is being a killjoy.

    #845627 Reply

    It’s their car, their budget, their joint decision. Just because it would be his primary car doesn’t mean there would never be an occasion or need for her to drive it.

    We can argue all day that she should be compromising, but we’re not getting her side of the story. He could be compromising, too. Does it make sense in most married situations to buy a car that the other person cannot drive? No, it doesn’t.

    I actually think on big purchases, partners should have ultimate veto power. If someone is not happy about it, it shouldn’t happen.

    #845629 Reply

    He’s essentially asking, can I disregard what my wife has said, even though I really want this big purchase?

    I would say probably not. I’m sure he wouldn’t want his opinion to be totally disregarded on big purchases she wants to make. It’s their money, their budget. Not just his.

    #845635 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    They need to find a compromise that makes them both happy. Maybe that’s finding a different car for him. Maybe it’s buying two cars at this time. Maybe he should be as happy driving an older car as he thinks she should be.

    If they can’t find a happy solution for both of them and he just decides to go buy the car it will be a constant irritant in their marriage. It will remind her that he didn’t care about her opinion and went out and bought it any way. He may think that she will be annoyed for a day and then get over it but she could be annoyed every time she sees it because she doesn’t like it. His pleasure could easily be her irritant. A marriage is only as happy as the least happy partner. They need to find a happy solution. That includes him as well as her. They need to talk until they find something that they both like.

    This isn’t a matter of who is more right or has the most say. This is what supports the marriage because the final decision leaves neither of them angry. If either of them remains angry then the marriage will suffer.

    #845637 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    @Bagge I have a coworker whose family has three cars. One of those is her car but she usually drives whichever car is closest to the street because getting her car out can mean that two other people need to back their cars out of the way and our town doesn’t allow street parking. They have a round robin of cars. They each will end up driving whichever car is the one closest to the street. The first one out is often the first one back and so the car that is closest to the street tends to be different each day. Luckily, they can all drive every car. Sometimes it matters.

    In this specific case, does it matter? How often does his wife drive his car? My husband and I take cars for service for each other. It depends on who is free to take the car in for service, not who owns the car. We actually own the cars together, they are all in both names, but we each have our car plus our daughter has one. Many couples end up trading cars back and fourth. Do they? We’ve also had a car that we bought for me and then when we bought another car my husband drove the first one to work. We had that flexibility. It’s hard to know what you will need in the future. When our daughter was born her car seat wouldn’t fit in the car that I drove. It wouldn’t fit in either car. My husband’s car had the highest mileage and so we traded it for the new car. He then drove the car that had been mine. We didn’t see that coming. Car seats were much bigger than they were when our son was young. Sometimes having flexibility is a really good thing because you don’t always know what will happen in life.

    #845638 Reply
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    Vathena

    While it would probably not be the healthiest idea in a marriage to make a big purchase over your spouse’s objection, I do think in this case that it makes a big difference whether the wife *can* drive a stick or not. He didn’t say she couldn’t drive it, just that the car isn’t what she’d want. Even if the car is not intended for the wife’s use, there will be situations where she may need to drive it. If she cannot and isn’t on board with learning, then the more practical thing to do would be to get a different car. (Personally, I think that everyone should know how to drive stick. Shit happens and you never know when you might have to put that skill to use!)

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