Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Buy the car?

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This topic contains 115 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by avatar IfIMay 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 61 through 72 (of 116 total)
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  • #845735 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    OP asked for our opinions and we are giving them. It’s not a reading comprehension problem.

    Marriage can be set up a lot of ways but in my marriage WE have joint budget, “our” money, and yes, we share all the cars. Sorry that sounds like drudgery to you.

    Also there’s no such thing as a car that has NO impact on the budget. Maybe low impact, limited impact, but not none. Either you buy it outright for a lump sum which you then don’t have lying around for another major purchase like a new air conditioner, or you get a payment which means a couple hundred dollars a month. You also have to insure it and upkeep it, which if you were swapping a car might be negligible but if you’re keeping all three then you just increased your cost there 50%.

    Since OP gave us crumbs of information and then bounced, I guess we’ll never know the details of their situation that might answer some of these questions. He gave his side of the story and was just like “oh my wife doesn’t like it” but didn’t tell us why. Maybe she has reasons or maybe she’s a petty bitch but we’ll never know without more info.

    #845736 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    @Bagge, it could also mean that they have, say, $20k budgeted for a car, and this car costs $21,500. So it has little impact on “their budget.”

    Or any number of other possibilities, depending on how they manage their budget.

    #845738 Reply
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    Ele4phant

    I took no impact on our budget to mean – we’ve got a lot saved up so we can buy this car outright and there won’t be a change to our monthly expenses. I dunno, would be nice for him to clarify. Personally I’ve never heard of someone’s workplace giving their employee money and letting them pick out their own work car. For the folks that I know that have a car provided by work they were just given a car and didn’t really have choice in the make and model. My sense is that he wants this specific car primarily for his work commute, ergo it’s his work car, but they’re still using their household funds and his employer is in no way involved in the purchase.

    And yeah BGM – marriage means a lot of compromise and not always getting to do your own thing. Is that really a surprise to you to hear? Lots of people choose not to get married for that reason – they don’t want to accommodate someone else’s needs and preferences. You may be one of those people. There’s also a lot of upsides that make it worth it and not “dreary” for me, but this is a big downside for sure.

    Also – our household has two cars (at least at the moment, we talk about scaling back to just one) and while I mostly use one and my husband the other, there are times where he grabs the forester because it’s better at holding his bikes and sometimes I grab the outback because it has a backup camera and if I know I’m going downtown and need to parallel park, it’s better for that. I know of few couples that have two, totally individual cars they don’t occasionally trade off on.

    Not to say this guy can’t get a third car that’s just for him, but you know, I can understand how conversations need to be had and consensus reached before the car can be bought.

    #845740 Reply

    If he’s was getting a monthly payout for his “work” car OR he was solely paying for the car, he probably would have given those details because they bolster his argument. He didn’t. He did mention their budget.

    It’s really incredible to me that in order to make your point -which you believe us women can’t possibly understand, you resort to insults and faked incredulity.

    Has anyone insulted you for having a different opinion? He wrote in for advice and opinions. Shockingly, there are some that are different than yours.

    And has anyone come down hard on this dude? Has anyone “been mean?” It’s hilarious what passes as day to day tough love advice that no one blinks an eye about, but having a different opinion is being too harsh? And, of course, it’s a man writing in, so his POV is being staunchly defended and his wife must be a petty idiot incapable of compromise.

    People wrote comments with examples of how they deal with purchases, decisions, money, cars in their relationships because this is a question about whether he should dismiss his wife’s feelings and make a significant purchase anyway. Of course people are going to give examples from their own life.

    #845742 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Right. Nobody has come down hard on this LW. He’s merely been accused of making his wife drive junkers because he is a sexist pig going through a midlife crisis.
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    🙄
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    #845743 Reply
    bagge72
    bagge72
    Participant

    Because adding life situations that are different from the OP’s just to give advice isn’t really helpful.

    The facts are that he’s getting a car that has no impact to their budget that he would be the only one driving. So I personally would assume, that they are not paying for it out of their combined money, and it is a specifically for his use only, so she really doesn’t have veto power.

    #845744 Reply

    We don’t know that they’re different life situations. People routinely give examples of their life to give advice. It is helpful. There’s more than one way of doing things. He wrote like four sentences, and you’ve done some speculating yourself! You could just give your advice without commenting on/insulting/ insinuating that other people are stupid or can’t understand what you’re writing. You even wrote we’re looking for ways to be mad at the guy? What? Who’s mad in the comments? LOL.

    Clearly, in their marriage, as in most-they ask for opinions before making big purchases. Otherwise he would have bought the damn car and never written in.

    Most longterm married couples have a lot/a fair amount of combined money, especially for purchases that are in all likelihood upwards of $10,000, easily double or triple that. When he says it doesn’t affect their budget, IN MY OPINION that sounds like they can still pay their bills and save after buying this car. If a $10,000-30,000+ purchase didn’t affect their budget at all, he would never have written in. Because in a budget like that, money is no object and his wife wouldn’t care about another car.

    #845745 Reply
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    Ele4phant

    Mmmm…he said “virtually no” impact on their budget, which does indicate at least nominally their household finances will be used to help pay for this car.

    And virtually no impact is subjective. My husband and I are considering buying a bigger house and are talking about what sort of monthly housing cost our budget can accommodate. But we still have to put down a sizable down payment, and that will have a fairly sizable impact on our shared savings and investments, even if we end up with a mortgage that is in line with our current one – having “virtually no” impact on our budget.

    They may be in a position where they have plenty of money saved that he can use to buy this car outright with no real impact on their day to day budget, but using a big pool of shared money does require conversation and consensus.

    I am projecting from my own circumstances, but we all are because there are a dearth or details about how/who this car is being paid for. He did NOT say his employer was paying or subsidizing this car, you’re inserting that just as much as any of us are details from our lives.

    #845746 Reply

    No one called him a sexist pig. One person questioned if this was a midlife crisis buy.

    #845747 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    My husband just got a new “sexy” truck that he picked because its his primary vehicle even though it’s “ours”. He had 100% say in what he wanted and I chose not to give a rats ass since well he will be driving it 99% of his time. Of coarse he wanted my opinion when picking out trucks but ultimately it was his choice and thats hiw I see it. My husband also has a boat (our boat) I let him 100% have a say. We have off road toys we picked out together. If we wanted extra vehicles we have the room. I grew up with homes having multi vehicles so having more then two vehicles is normal in my world. And yes there usualy is a his and her vehicle even though it’s “ours”. I plan on getting my dream truck, a single cab 70s model (not sure if I want Ford or Chevy), one day and my husband is going to have ZERO say in what I pick. I see this as they have 2 running vehicles so I dont see the big deal in letting him have the 3rd one all to himself. And learning to drive a stick would be beneficial, you never know when a zombie apocalypse will occur.

    #845749 Reply
    avatar
    Ele4phant

    Also if we’re going to parse language, he never said why she doesn’t want the car. He said she can’t drive stick, and that she told him it “wasn’t what she wants”, but those two things could be unconnected.

    Did he not follow up more with her about what her exact objections are? Usually the best way to convince someone is to hear the specific reasons they are opposed to something, than show how those concerns can be mitigated or won’t come to pass.

    Or maybe he knows exactly what her main objections are, but knows he comes off more sympathetic if he implies it’s because it’s about it being a stick shift and she doesn’t want a car she can’t drive, even though she’ll never drive it.

    Personally if he was my husband I’d let him have the dang car if they truly can afford it, because whatever (although I might want to sell off one of the automatics because there’s no reason a two person household should have three practical cars. Two practical cars and then some fun ones? Fine. But nobody needs three run of the mill practical sedans).

    But I’m not his wife, she is. She has an issue here so it’s on him to figure it out and work with him.

    #845751 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    “Spouse does not support this because it’s a manual and “not what she wants.” ”

    Oh, come on! The ONLY way to logically read this is that she does not want a manual.

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