Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Can we get past this

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  • #985281 Reply

    About a little over a year ago I was casually seeing a guy but ended things abruptly after he was very disrespectful towards me. About two weeks later, one of my best friends ran into him at a bar danced with him and made out with him.. it took her another two weeks to tell me about it. After she told me about it she assured me that it was a one time thing, that she had no feelings for him and that she felt terrible about it. I felt fine after we talked and tried to put it in the past. About two months later, that same friend told me she had a sex dream about this guy and told me that she might want to pursue having a sexual relationship with him but said that she wasn’t sure of her feelings for him but wanted me to be okay with her hooking up with him. I
    Told her I wasn’t sure if I felt okay with this but she pushed the matter and made me feel as though I was the bad guy for not being okay with her my wanting to hooking up with him. She ended up dropping the issue and we haven’t talked about it much since.
    It’s been about 9 months now and I still feel like there’s tension in our friendship. I feel as though she has a number of passive aggressive comments towards me and as if my feelings are always considered second to hers.

    I want to talk to her about how I’ve been feeling but I feel as though she will rush through the conversation instead of fully listening to what I have to say. Can we get back to where our friendship was before?

    #985286 Reply

    You dated this guy casually and then broke up with him. That doesn’t magically place him off limits to your friends. If you want to get your friendship back, you need to address this with your friend, and to do so you need to admit that your were wrong to tell her it wasn’t ok to pursue this guy sexually. Really be honest with her with how you feel and the tension you’re feeling.

    There’s no guarantee this can be put back together, but if it is possible it’s gonna require lots of honesty.

    #985295 Reply

    You know you can’t call dibs on people.

    You weren’t serious with this guy, you were broken up, it really shouldn’t have been an issue for her to pursue him.

    I know I know, the young’ens have girl code or whatever all you tick tock generation say these days, but that’s pretty dumb and immature. If you and he had been in a serious relationship and you were still very much in pain from your breakup, that’s understandable that a good friend would be expected to stay away.

    But…that’s not what happened in your situation.

    Life is short, if two people have a connection they should pursue be free to pursue it (whether it’s purely sexual or potentially deeper) regardless of whether or not a friend has dated them first.

    You should have stood out of your friend’s way. You made an unfair request of her (which she respected!) and put your feelings over hers, and now you are still acting as though you are the wronged party.

    If you want to repair your friendship, you are the one that is in need of perception shift.

    #985615 Reply

    Agree with the advise already stated.

    I became very close friends with my toxic ex’s sister. I had been trying to move on from that toxic relationship and tried to date other men but really just wanted to be single. I ended up running into this guy I had seen and met but didn’t really know well. We exchanged numbers and a friendship blossomed. This sister, unbeknownst to me, had talked to him at the time of my ex breaking up with me which was over a year later. When she saw we had been texting, she became furious and told me to stop talking to him and made a horrible comment about him. I made the mistake of saying I would never date a friends ex. However, they talked/dating for maybe 2 months and he had to end it with her because she had become controlling and displayed psycho behaviors. I had hung out with him as friends one night and she “found out” and began going off on me like a psycho. I stopped and said, “you know I am 23yrs old, a grown women, and I can be friends and date who I want without guilt. This guy really likes me and we have this amazing connection.” Almost a decade later, I am now married to the love of my life and to a good damn man. I am obviously no longer friends with her.

    Your being a toxic, controlling friend.

    #985945 Reply

    That you can’t get past this shows what a self-centered, selfish, ass you are. He disrespected you, something so minor you don’t even mention it, then a friend wants to get with him and you see her as also disrespecting you and don’t see how you can get past that? You say you and this guy were never serious. You dumped him; he didn’t dump you. You don’t own rights to him. NOBODY needs your permission to date or have sex with him. Your friend is right to be cool toward you. Your ego and sense of entitlement are just too huge.

    #985996 Reply

    Let’s please label the behavior, not the person. Someone’s behavior in a given instance may be called self-centered, but calling them a self-centered ass is name-calling.

    #986035 Reply

    It was over a year ago that you casually dated! The issue is she did put your feelings first and that has made her unhappy with you! You say she made you feel like the bad guy. No, she didn’t make you feel anything, you feel like the bad guy because you are, in fact, “the bad guy.” You have no claim to this man. You should apologize and tell her she can date anyone she wants without checking with you first. Is this guy really worth it? Is your friendship more important than banning friends from dating guys you casually dated over a year ago?

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