“Can you field one more ‘plus 1’ question?”

Home / Forums / Advice & Chat / “Can you field one more ‘plus 1’ question?”

  • Author
    Posts
  • Avatar photo
    March 2, 2023 at 4:56 pm #1118927

    From a LW:

    “I found your site and I need your help. You would think by my age I’d have seen it all but this one has me between a rock and a hard spot. My boyfriend of 2.5 years was excluded from my best friend’s daughter’s wedding. This is an out-of-town affair requiring approximately $1,000 in travel expense to me. Until I received the invite addressed only to me, I would have crawled there if I had to. The bride is precious to me and I have met the groom but once and he seems a super guy; they are a wonderful couple.

    BFF & I have been BFFs for over 41 years; I’ve known the bride since birth and have been as close as an auntie could be without the biological gene. I have been through all of life with this family. The wedding is an out of town affair, actually out of the country, Canada, I’m in US. Mother of the bride, my best friend does not care for my boyfriend, or any man per se; she is tasting the bitterness of her recent divorce. I know that the exclusion has come from BFF, not the bride.

    I would like to attend with my boyfriend and we would make an extended vacation. Or at least give him the option of a gracious decline and I attend a la carte. I don’t mind going alone at all, but to have him excluded feels so wrong. Shall I talk to the BFF or the bride for a possible “over-sight” (I’m being generous).

    Your input is greatly appreciated.

    — Waiting to book a flight in SoCal”

    Reply
    peggy
    March 2, 2023 at 5:38 pm #1118929

    Hi. I don’t think you should ask about it. You were denied a plus one. Maybe many people/you, are/were because it is a small wedding. Or a cost factor etc. It may not be because of your particular date/BF. If you ask and they say they don’t want him there, you will just be more upset and angry. Or if they offer other reasons, you may not believe them. You seem defensive about him. Are there good reasons they don’t like him?
    I think you should forget this side issue and just decide if you want to spend the time and money to support, see your “niece” get married. If you can go and not be resentful, go and enjoy the event.

    Reply
    March 2, 2023 at 6:15 pm #1118930

    There could be a million reasons why you didn’t get a plus one. Plenty of people don’t add plus ones unless you’re married or in a longer term commitment.

    1. I’d do some digging to see if other non-married folks have plus ones, not just you. But don’t be mean about it. It could easily come up in some kind of conversation.

    1a. If it’s across the board for everyone, go. Have fun. Your boyfriend can still go. He’s an adult. He can find something to do during the ceremony and reception if you want to make a trip out of it. Or go solo.

    2. If it’s literally just only you who didn’t get a plus one, you can decline and then reassess your friendship. Or whatever feels right to you.

    Whichever it is, don’t make a stink about it.

    Reply
    Avatar photo
    March 2, 2023 at 7:50 pm #1118931

    Since you’ve been best friends with your BFF for 41 years, if I were you, I might make a casual mention about the exclusion of your boyfriend the next time you talk to her. It could be along the lines of, “I got “Jane’s” invitation in the mail and I’m so excited to attend her wedding. I didn’t get a plus 1 but I think “Hank” will come to Canada with me anyway and we’ll make a long weekend of it. He can find something to do while I’m at the wedding.” Then, your friend can choose to address the issue of the no plus one or not address it. The truth is, you don’t know for sure why your boyfriend wasn’t invited; you’re only speculating. And my hunch is that YOU are the one who is most hurt by the exclusion and not your boyfriend.

    In any event, neither you nor your boyfriend should take this personally. Clearly, your BFF isn;t in a good place right now, and whatever bitterness she feels is not directed toward you even though you believe you are receiving some of it. This wedding is one day — one day in your life, one day in the life of your relationships, and one day in what has been a 41 year friendship. Don’t let one day — one perceived slight — create more drama than it’s worth. Your boyfriend can still accompany you to Canada and you can still enjoy a long weekend there together. Surely, he can busy himself with something while you’re at the wedding, and you’ll know enough people there to have a good time without him. For the good of your friendship and your relationship with this woman who has been like a niece to you, try to bury your resentment at least until your BFF is in a better place emotionally.

    Reply
    Daisy
    March 3, 2023 at 10:40 am #1118941

    As someone who is currently planning a wedding, I can say that navigating the invites is a minefield. There’s pretty much no way to have a wedding that sticks to a budget and not offend SOMEONE. And you find yourself making a lot of rules that you might not want to if money/space were no object. Rules like, “Married folks get a +1, unmarrieds don’t,” which is actually quite a common one.

    I do know that getting upset and destroying long-term relationships solely over a wedding invite is not worth it. Since you are very close to the bride’s mom, you could always aks her why your BF was not included, rather than speculating about the reasons (and leaping to the most hurtful conclusions rather than giving a friend of FORTY ONE years the benefit of the doubt).

    But at the end of the day, this is the couple’s big day. It’s not about you and your feelings. You may be overestimating how important it is to the bride to have you there — you are her MOM’s BFF, not hers, and she already may have cut someone else off the list to accommodate having you, but drew the line at inviting a guy you’ve only been dating a couple of years, particularly if she, the bride, doesn’t know him well.

    If you love these people, give them some grace. It’s one day out of the rest of your lives.

    Reply
Reply To:

“Can you field one more ‘plus 1’ question?”

Your information: