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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Can You Help Me Understand?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Can You Help Me Understand?

  • This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 1 day ago by golfer.gal.
Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • #1098565 Reply
    Not Your Girl
    Guest

    Hi there.
    I only wish to understand what’s going on.
    I am in a long distance relationship.
    He’s in another country.
    My man kept telling me he cherishes me, but I can’t feel it.
    I am kept convincing myself that he’s probably just busy, forgets my birthday, forgets important dates, and doesn’t even text to know what’s wrong even though I’ve been offline for months, doesn’t even bother to check my social media or even call.
    I went back online after three months.
    When I went back online, he only texted me a day after I posted a status update.
    He asked, “Oh, you’re back on WhatsApp?”
    Stating the obvious.
    I was incensed.
    I was hoping another reaction.
    Then texted, “What happened? Where you went? I’m worried.”
    I am literally exploding.
    But what made me angrier was when he texted, “I respect your privacy, so I did not ask or texted or called.”
    Damn privacy. Damn worried.
    It was three months!
    Three fucking whole months!!!
    Really?
    Can anyone tell me why I feel so angry, so hurt, so unloved and I feel like I was just a past time?
    I don’t understand.
    He always said I am his queen.
    Why… why… why can’t I feel it?
    Please, please tell me why.
    I will really appreciate any advice I could get.

    #1098567 Reply
    Peggy
    Guest

    Hi. This guy is not your man. He is not your boyfriend, he is not even a pen-pal. Have you ever met this man in real life?
    You are angry and hurt because he is avoiding any contact with you. You need to immediately disengage with this man, in every way. Emotionally most of all. Act like you are “broken up” or he does not exist, because that is the reality of your situation.
    Then, figure out why you so desperately cling to somebody and something that cares nothing for you or maybe has a girlfriend or wife and has been lying to you.
    Get a fulfilling life where you are, meet people in real life to date and have social interactions with. This sounds so sad and like you are denying reality.
    You can’t feel it, to answer your question, because it is not there.

    #1098568 Reply
    Prognosti-gator
    Participant

    I am in a long distance relationship.

    No. You’re not.
    Or at most, maybe YOU are, but HE’s not.

    Also, the game playing of going silent just to test if he will care is dysfunctional. If you have to resort to that level, you already know something is wrong with the “relationship.”

    As the saying goes: “There’s nothing to see here … move along.”

    #1098570 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    I would add to the good advice above, that the reason you’re so hurt is because you built this guy up in your head to be a full-blown relationship, and decided to ignore all signs to the contrary. Don’t feel bad, a lot of people do that when they meet someone online. But yeah, he was only a fantasy. In reality he isn’t available, or willing to be your boyfriend. He’s probably in a relationship and/or talking to lots of women.

    #1098571 Reply
    LisforLeslie
    Guest

    Words are easy. I love you. I adore you. You’re the best person I’ve ever met.

    See how easy it is?
    Actions are harder. Actions have meaning. His actions are saying that you’re not a priority, he’s vaguely interested in your life but you’re not the center of it.

    You’re angry because like Kate said, you built this fantasy in your mind. After 2 weeks of silence, you had an answer. Hell, after 1 week you had an answer. He isn’t going to chase after you. He’s fine letting the information come to him, but he’s not seeking you out.

    #1098572 Reply
    anonymousse
    Participant

    You probably can’t feel it because he’s so far away and you choose to not go online for months at a time even though you consider yourself in a long distance relationship.

    Don’t be in a long distance relationship. Romance and relationships are better in person.

    #1098573 Reply
    CurlyQue
    Participant

    Everyone has great points!

    I want to delve into what @anonymousse stated, which is if YOU THINK you’re in a long distance relationship why did you go dark for THREE MONTHS?! That’s not how that works and definitely comes across as game playing. I would’ve assumed we broke up and you ghosted and i wouldn’t have reached out either. If there was any building energy it’s definitely been killed with three months of silence.

    I think it’s obvious that an online “relationship” doesn’t work for you, and maybe you’re not mature enough for a “real” relationship right now either. Therapy will help you figure out why you considered this a “relationship” and how to work on yourself.

    #1098575 Reply
    Peggy
    Guest

    As CurlyQue said you went off line for 3 months. I am wondering if you “disappeared” to play a game and see if he would contact/check on you? Or maybe you are struggling in life? The thing is, if he cared or was worried or missed you, he would have called or texted after a few days. And before internet and social media, people wrote letters too. Really no excuses for him here.
    I get the sense you have exaggerated what you and this guy ever had together, or you wanted more than he did. So maybe he did think you had lost interest/ghosted and he was happy to let you go. His contact since you have gone back on line sounds more like polite interaction than love and concern.
    Unless you explain more about if you actually met in person and dated in real life or if this was all an on-line thing, and why you stopped for 3 months, we can’t give much more insight. Remember that even before that though, it seems he ignored your birthday and other dates important to you. “Too busy” is code for low to no interest.

    #1098576 Reply
    Kate
    Keymaster

    Well, look, it’s actually advisable when you feel your partner (or friend or pen pal) isn’t reciprocating, to take a step back for a bit and see what happens. Like if you don’t always reach out, will they?

    But you only need to do that for like a week, like someone said above, not 3 months!!! LW, you did have your answer after a week of not hearing from him. The fact that he didn’t get in touch at all indicates he really doesn’t care. That thing about respecting your privacy is BS.

    Prior to you going dark, it sounds like he was already not giving you the same level of attention you were giving him, correct? So you weren’t wrong to just stop contacting him, but you were wrong to expect anything whatsoever of him after 3 months of no contact.

    #1098583 Reply
    Bittergaymark
    Guest

    Wait, wait, wait. She disapoeared for months and months without a trace and somehow HE’S tge villian in all this? She’s the one who ja mad? Seriously? Um… okay, yeah, sure, whatever.

    #1098590 Reply
    PassingBy
    Guest

    Why were you incensed?
    What was the other reaction you were hoping for?
    Why where you “literally” exploding?

    There’s a guy who doesn’t pay as much attention to you as you’d like, and when you stop paying attention to him, he stops contacting you entirely.
    These seems very predictable.

    #1098601 Reply
    golfer.gal
    Guest

    There’s a lot wrong here:

    As others have stated, if you’ve never met this person then he isn’t your boyfriend. Getting invested in someone online is easy to do, but if there’s no possibility of meeting within a few weeks then move on. Someone you’ve never met really has no obligation to you at all and holding them to a standard where they do is unreasonable and a recipe for heartbreak

    If you want something from someone: attention, more contact, different behavior, whatever. Ask for it. Disappearing to see how long it takes someone to reach out is childish game playing. If you aren’t mature enough to ask for what you want, you shouldn’t be dating.

    Someone who wants to be with you will do everything possible to be with you. If they’re distant, not reaching out, whatever then it’s time to MOA.

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