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Dear Wendy

Can you really rebuild your relationship after being cheated on?

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This topic contains 17 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar allathian 2 months ago.

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  • #844995 Reply
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    Sara

    My boyfriend and I have been on and off in our relationship for about 5 years now. During that time there’s been plenty of wrong doings mostly on his part, such as speaking to other girls and lying etc. I myself have made one major mistake which was when we split up I spoke to one of his friends but I understood it was wrong and so cut that off. This was a few years ago and we were both very young and since then have grown a lot as people.

    At the start of 2018 he said he wanted to get back with me and be serious. We got back together and everything seemed perfect, we went on holiday together for the first time and I couldn’t have been happier. Then towards the end of the year around November, I had a message from someone anonymous on Instagram telling me that he had been snap chatting other girls and to check his phone. I fobbed it off as a fake message just someone trying to get between us. But I couldn’t get it out of my head. I of course asked him if it was true and he obviously denied. When he was sleeping however I felt the urge to look anyway (had to do it when he was sleeping as he wouldn’t give me his password) so I used his thumb print and saw that he was in fact messaging a few girls on snapchat. When I confronted him he said he was messaging them to get them to come out to the club for his single friends. I wanted to believe him so I did.

    Later on down the line, on New Year’s Eve he went out with his friends to a club. The next day I went to his house to see him and he was napping as he had obviously been out late. Again I felt the urge to check his phone so I did the same thing and found that the night before he had been in a hotel room with several girls and his friends, I know this as there was videos on his phone. I saw messages between him and other girls. And then the worst thing I saw was a video of him having sex wth another girl about 6 months before (so back in summer just after we came back off holiday) he said we had argue that night and split up but I don’t believe this. Anyway we split up for a while and I of course didn’t want to see him, after some time of him grafting and saying all the right things I eventually gave him another chance. He was doing everything right and putting in so much effort. But now, 6 months later I feel that it’s gone back to how it was before. There’s not much effort from him, and I feel that whenever I want to communicate my concerns he just shuts me off and says he doesn’t want to argue. To me communication is healthy and avoids unnecessary arguments but he doesn’t see it that way. I can feel myself getting more and more angry, to the point that I want to lash out aggressively when we argue because I just feel so shut out like he doesn’t want to listen or understand why I’m upset. I know a lot of people will say to leave him, but when we’re good we are so good. I don’t feel that that what I want to do. I just want a resolution and to be able to communicate effectively that’s not going to cause arguments. I feel that I do a lot for him and don’t get the same effort back

    #844996 Reply
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    Logan

    Just break up and move on with your life, he’s a cheater and will always be one. What’s the point in being in a relationship when you have to always have to be paranoid if he is cheating and taking to other girls. Just leave and don’t look back and block him on you phone and all social media accounts.

    #845000 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Candidly, no, not in your situation. Among strong, long term couples with a solid foundation, with a lot of hard work and professional help, trust can possibly be rebuilt after *a transgression*, but it’s a long hard road. In your case, I’m sorry, but it’s just not possible. You’re going to keep having these cycles of “everything seems good” followed by your discovery that he’s cheating, wash rinse repeat, until the whole thing disintegrates because you two were never that strong to begin with. The proof is right there in front of you. Why do you think it would change?

    #845001 Reply
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    MP

    You should reread your own letter and think about what you would say if your best friend or your sister wrote in with the same thing. Based on what you said, you two have never had a stable relationship and he has never been honest. Also, speaking to one of his friends =/= cheating. He’s proven time and time again that he can’t be trusted. There’s other men out there that will provide you with a relationship that is good and honest, not just ” when we’re good we are so good” which to me implies is not the norm for you two.

    #845005 Reply

    Would you stay with him knowing he’d continue this pattern of lying and cheating? That to know the truth, you’ll have to snoop? How many videos of him screwing other women will be too much? He is going to do what he wants. This isn’t a guy who is even trying very much to hide what he’s doing. And if it goes that far, where he’s actually trying to hide his behavior it’s just going to be another level of pain and distrust you feel. He doesn’t love or respect you. In the best of times in your relationship, there is still his history of infidelity shadowing your happy moments.

    There’s nothing you will be able to articulate to him that is going to convince him not to sleep with other women behind your back. He knows it hurts you. He doesn’t care that it hurts you. If he felt badly and wanted to make sure you knew he was not going to do that again, he’d talk to you about it when you wanted to. He’d “argue.” He’d reassure you. Instead, he shuts you down because he doesn’t want to hear about it. He doesn’t truly believe what he did was wrong. He’s a cheater, he’s always been a cheater and he’s going to keep being a cheater.
    He did what he needed to do to get you to take him back, but that’s as far as his effort goes.

    And talking to his friend is not even remotely related to what he’s done. You weren’t in a relationship at that point.

    So, can you just live with this? What will you do when you find evidence again?

    Or you could leave him even though it will hurt. You know you deserve a better man. Someone who wants to be with you. Someone who will be honest with you.

    #845019 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I know a few couples in their 70’s who put cheating behind them… but that’s all.

    Also speaking to people of the opposite gender is not cheating in a heterosexual relationship. It’s being a normal human. Flirting with people, getting fuzzy. Having sex… cheating unless you’re in an open relationship.

    You will never trust this person so I see no value in staying.

    #845020 Reply
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    Poppy
    Member

    I say MOA. Dudes got a problem. You’ve wasted 5 yrs on him. Theres great guys out there. I say go make a trip or two to a therapist so this relationship can be put behind you. Yes, there are relationships that do work after a person has cheated but yours sounds toxic.

    #845022 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Great guy to have kids with! I am sure this will all turn out just swell! 🙄

    #845023 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You are wanting him to be a thoughtful, loving partner all the time. That isn’t who he is. You would have to change him to make him into a good partner and that is beyond your control.

    You have two choices. The first is to accept that the relationship you have is the one you will always have and decide you don’t mind living this way. The second choice is to break up and find a better partner.

    Can you imagine being happy having the same relationship you’ve had for the past five years for five or ten or twenty more years? Does that seem exhausting or depressing? Can you meet your life goals with your boyfriend? What are your life goals?

    Next time you break up you should cut all contact for several years. At that point you will probably be glad that you aren’t with him any more. I had a boyfriend who was cheating on me and at first I was hurt and then I was angry but after years went by I was glad he cheated on me because it forced me to break up with him and because I did I met my husband and have had a far better, happier relationship. Wasting your time and emotional energy on your current boyfriend is sucking the good out of you and he doesn’t care. You need someone who cares. When you meet the right guy he won’t suck anything out of you.

    #845034 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    @BGM – in this case it sounds like he had her rightly fooled. The person who should be wary is the new girlfriend. New chick has picked a real winner.

    #845038 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    The answer to your question is yes, but not in this case.

    #845072 Reply

    It can, if both parties are able and willing to confront the reasons for the person’s cheating.

    I feel like the reason he cheated here is “he was horny and she was too”. There’s not a lot to work with here, short of accepting that he’s probably going to have sex with other women when he has the opportunity.

    Is that something you can live with? I would not hold much hope for a scenario where you can trust him to not sleep around. Either knowingly move forward and accept that he’s going to sleep around in an non-monogamous relationship, or dump him.

    I suggest dumping him. I just don’t think this relationship is strong enough to handle any degree of openness. He’s already seriously breached your trust and you’re already snooping like crazy. Not a great framework.

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