Can’t get over break up

[sarjo]

Please can I have your thoughts. I started seeing a man vía online dating (Im 46, he’s 49).only for a few weeks. Had some doubts at times due to him clearly having some difficulties and feeling confused -said he might love me on third date then next day was weird- but then had an amazing date and thought we were getting into a rel. (been single 3 yrs). He told me when younger he’d get v drinks and into fights but that was all in past. Never drank with me even if I did. He then went on a works Xmas do and couldn’t remember getting home. I asked about it, in a critical way I admit, and he said it was a one off due to social anxiety and pretty much bolted out of my house. Then said we weren’t getting each other and ended it. I’ve been so upset and feel i want to suggest trying again as I think we just kept misunderstanding each other. But scared to suggest in case we just had further issues, also everyone’s telling he sounds bad for me. I’m so stuck and feel depressed and lonely.

[Sarjo]

Also to add, after he’d been a bit weird after saying he might love me I freaked out and ended it as I couldn’t cope with the difference. He said it was a misunderstanding and that he’d thought he’d gone too far and scared me off so was trying to slow things down so I decided to give it a go. Then on the day I saw him after the works do he seemed really tired and anxious which may have been hangover anxiety (I really think he had some psychological issues and maybe even autism and needs therapy) but he also said was due to lack of sleep due to the fact I’d tried to end it.

[ron]

Seems like too many concerns after only a few weeks. Let it stay ended.

[Kate]

Yeah, this is just a bad fit. Move on and keep trying with the online dating. I met my husband on Match, albeit 10 yrs ago.

[Sarjo]

I’m sure you’re right I just can’t seem to forget him. It’s been a month and I’m still thinking about it/him all the time. Keep thinking miscommunication has been the issue.

Apart from that, another issue for me…internet dating. I’ve been trying with it for years and it’s just so demoralising /depressing.

[Copa]

Yeah, if some guy said he loved me on a third date, I’d bolt. Which it sounds like you did, then decided to give it another go. I think your gut instinct was right. There shouldn’t be this much drama in the first few weeks of dating.

You sound quite lonely, which is likely why you’re dwelling on a guy you barely know and who wasn’t a good fit. Now might be a good time to take a step back from online. Focus on friendships and hobbies that fulfill you.

If you feel it would help, talk to a therapist. I started seeing a therapist in part because I couldn’t fully move on from an ex and realized I needed some help — I wish I’d gone sooner.

[Sarjo]

Thanks. Yes I’ve just booked in some (more therapy). Prior to this guy I had a full life with lots of hobbies, but this experience has floored me. It’s a pattern..get involved with someone not right for me but who I’m attracted to in certain ways, doubt myself, let it go on too long, goes wrong, get depressed. ..

[Kate]

It can be really hard when things don’t work out early on, because you’re still in that stage of excitement and potential. At that point it’s all possibility, and it hurts to lose that.

But for future reference, NOT that I think this is really the reason it didn’t work out, but you can’t get on someone’s case like that so early on. In these early days, you should just be observing and figuring out if you like what you see, asking someone questions. If it doesn’t work for you, stop seeing the person. But you can’t come down on them all critical and controlling. If it’s going there, it’s just a bad fit.

[sarjo]

Trust me, I’ve gone over this a million times and beaten myself up over it. I wasn’t that bad really, he said he was feeling really anxious about going back to work due to how drunk he’d got and I said ‘well don’t get blind drunk with your new workmates then’..then later I gently tried to ask some questions about his drinking and admitted I’d been a bit worried when he said he’d got so drunk because he’d indicated he no longer drank and had issues with it in the past. But yes, I know my fears got the
Better of me, and I said things I shouldn’t. Now I just feel so low, lonely and worthless as he basically walked out on me.

[Kate]

Yeah, but I don’t think that would have all happened if you two really had strong couple potential. It should not make you feel any type of way about your worth that you didn’t make it past a few dates with some guy who has issues.

I think that someone who actually has a healthy relationship with alcohol can have a couple beers or a cocktail on a date. The fact that he completely abstained when with you suggests to me he is (currently, not in the past) a problem drinker who can’t stop at one or two. Getting wasted at the work party was probably BAU for him. That’s a bad, bad sign if you either can’t drink at all or you get fucked up. He was trying to hide his issues from you, but it didn’t work. Talking about love on a third date is a real bad sign as well.

Just keep going, and consider therapy for your self worth.

[Kate]

And just overall, he sounds like he’s 25, not 49. A guy that age getting blotto with his (new!) co-workers is a very bad look.

[anonymousse]

I guess I don’t understand what you see in him at all that’s attractive? I get that dating is a slog but a weird guy who tells you he loves you on date three sounds terrifying, not appealing.

[Author]

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