Can’t get over him, but I have a new family?
- This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 3 days ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Please don’t judge as I feel like a horrible person already. It’s been 5 years since I was with my ex, we weren’t together for that long, only a year. I can’t help but feel it was the right person at the wrong time? When we ended I quickly got in a new relationship and I am still with him now, we have a 1 year old son together. Things are fine with us, and always have been ‘fine’. I tried to tell myself that this is what is meant to be, but I feel myself starting to distance more and more, especially recently. We’ve had a bit of a rough year with a new baby and I have struggled a lot with that! He is an amazing dad and he tries to help when he can. I haven’t brought up my feelings to him as I know he would just implode that I’m having these thoughts..he has plans and we have spoke so much about our future. Do I just need to get over myself and my ex?
Yes, you need to actively work to banish these fantasies of the ex and focus on growing your relationship with your partner. Find a therapist if you can’t do this on your own.
So, I don’t believe in “right person, wrong time.” Part of someone being the right person is coming along at the right time. So if the timing wasn’t right for some reason, it was the wrong person. And while a year is short as far as relationships can go, it’s still enough time to fall in love and imagine your future… you don’t need to invalidate whatever it is you’re feeling because your relationship wasn’t “long enough.” You’re allowed to have a soft spot in your heart for your exes.
That said, I agree that therapy would be a good move for you. Because yes, you need to get over your ex. If you quickly jumped into something new, it’s possible/likely you never properly dealt with the feelings around your breakup. And five years out, I also think you’re clinging to a rosy fantasy of your ex and the relationship you had, which I suppose I can see happening if you’re struggling with the relationship changes that have come with an infant.
It’s a dangerous nostalgia which can eat away at your current relationship. Reality can’t win a competition with fantasy. No reality is that good. However, you do need to evaluate your current relationship and determine where you and your partner think it can be better and then try, with or without counseling, to make it better for both of you. This doesn’t need to be at all negative and certainly shouldn’t be allowed to turn so negative that your partner implodes. Just normal checking in on the relationship. How can we better handle the stress of a one-year old? What can we find to treat ourselves to quality dating-style couples’ outings? How might we spice up our sex life? Where do we see ourselves a year from now?
Even if you decide that this relationship isn’t right for you, after giving it a solid shot at improvement (which a share one-year old should make an absolute requirement) I doubt that your ex is the solution to your problems. There are reasons that was over 5 years ago, after only a year. Right guy/wrong time is way too easy and explanation to give yourself, meaning it is likely incorrect.
Have you seen your doctor for an evaluation to screen out post-partum or other depression?
Answered in the second half of today’s column:
https://dearwendy.com/my-mentally-ill-friend-is-off-his-meds-and-i-want-to-block-him/
