Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Can't Seem to Gain Trust for my Boyfriend Again After Getting Back Together

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Can't Seem to Gain Trust for my Boyfriend Again After Getting Back Together

This topic contains 39 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 5 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 40 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #741046 Reply
    avatar
    poppy22
    Member

    So my boyfriend and I had been dating for a year when he suddenly broke up with me last summer. He told me that he just needed time and wasn’t sure if we would get back together or not. I spent nearly every day thinking of him and worrying about him being with someone else. We met up to talk about once a month since I basically begged him to. About 3-4 month later, I accepted that he didn’t want to get back together with me. However, on my birthday, right around the time I was accepting our separation, he started talking to me again and apologized for everything. We officially got back together soon after that and are still together now. My dilemma is that I forced him to tell me what went on while we were broken up. He admitted that he had been talking to and sleeping with his family friend who is at many social gatherings that I have attended while we were together the first time. His parents and him had reassured me long before they started their summer fling that I had nothing to worry about with her. I know they do not talk now, but I consistently stalk the girl’s social media and compare myself to her. I also feel as if I cannot trust his parents or him since they were most likely encouraging the other girl. She even slept with him at their home a few times I found out. I also have looked at my boyfriend’s phone a few times and he talks about other girls and how hot they are with his friends in their group message all of the time. It makes me extremely insecure and I am unsure how to overcome this. Any advice is appreciated!

    #741048 Reply
    avatar
    JD

    Ugh, we need a script letter for this stuff. Don’t date him. You don’t trust him, although you have no reason to even be questioning what he did when you were apart. Friends saying a woman is hot is maybe mildly annoying but not by any stretch wrong or cheating or whatever. You have too much insecurity in this relationship to continue it. End the drama now. Also, when someone breaks up with you, just leave it at that.

    #741049 Reply
    avatar
    Heatherly
    Member

    Dump him & stay away( block all ways of contact & social media & also block his fling too), then get counseling because you have low self esteem issues. Don’t date any one else until you can be confident and respect yourself. Also not bother with someone who’ll dump you to fuck some one else( google a rules lawyer types) & pick you back up later. Any relationship that is back on & off is not a good relationship. It was also not your business who or what he did whilst not in a relationship with you & same applies to your own behaviour and his knowledge of it.

    #741067 Reply
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    He dumped you to sleep with this other woman, and right around the time that you wised up and started moving on, he came crawling back.
    You don’t trust him, and you shouldn’t.
    Overcome this by realizing you deserve more than this, and that he is still that asshole who did that to you. His actions tell you that you are ‘good enough until something else catches his eye.’ Being in that position will NEVER make you happy or feel secure.

    If your best gf came to you with this dilemma, what would you tell her?

    There are great guys out there. Guys who don’t have group chats with their buds objectifying women.

    #741077 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    This is a learning experience for you. You’ve found that you can’t trust a guy who would dump you for another woman. He was looking for your replacement while he was with you the first time. That’s a good reason to not trust him the second time. That’s why you keep worrying about his comments about women to his friends. You don’t trust him because he isn’t trustworthy.

    Trust is one of those essential things that every good relationship requires. Without trust it will never be a good relationship. Your relationship will never be a good one so cut your losses and move on. Break up with him. There are much better guys out there. Guys that won’t be searching for your replacement while with you.

    Once you’ve realized the relationship won’t work you are wasting your time by staying in it or by trying to fix it.

    #741078 Reply
    avatar
    LisforLeslie

    The only way for you to trust him again is if he is trustworthy. Seriously, this isn’t on YOU. This is on him. He proved himself to be less than trustworthy. He broke up with you – started another relationship and then came back out of the wood pile when that ended.

    So what makes you think it wouldn’t happen again? It probably would.

    If you want a monogamous and committed relationship, then break up with this guy and look for someone for whom commitment is equally as important.

    And don’t beg guys to take you back. You deserve better than that.

    #741089 Reply
    avatar
    K4

    EWWWW! Have you read your own letter? Let him go! You got back burnered so he could sleep around and then brought back into the picture when he for it out of his system. Not to mention his family basically helped him do it. Why would you want to go back to that. Get some pride girl and find someone who is worth it!

    #741090 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    You overcome it by dumping the guy and moving on! Seriously. You can’t make yourself trust someone — trust is something that happens when someone has proven themselves to be trustworthy. Of course you don’t trust the guy who dumped you to pursue someone else, then came back to you because it was convenient and you were begging. On that note: Don’t do that! You should want someone who wants to be with you, not someone who shrugs his shoulders and thinks, “I guess if she’s begging, this is okay for now.” You deserve more than this.

    It sounds like you had some self-esteem/trust/jealousy issues before this, though. Why does it matter so much what he did when you were *broken up*? What he did while you were apart is not your business — like, not at all —
    and the only people I know who ask their partners questions about their sexual history are the jealous types. And how on earth did you wind up in a situation where the guy’s parents were reassuring you that his family friend was just a friend? If I were you, I’d also consider taking a hiatus from dating altogether to talk to a therapist and work on your confidence.

    #741098 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    Trying to force yourself to trust a cheating bf who wants to get back together with you should be a red flag that you are being overly desperate, as if you don’t trust yourself to find another bf, let alone someone better than this guy, for whom you are clearly a second choice. Take control of your life, be brave, MOA, and don’t look back. There is nothing back there for you, but there is a brighter future ahead.

    #741102 Reply
    avatar
    Essie
    Participant

    You’re falling into a trap that’s all too common for women. You’re swallowing your pride, pushing down your instincts, trying to be the cool girlfriend who doesn’t mind his interest in other women. All because you’re afraid of losing a relationship that, truth be told, isn’t very good, and isn’t what you want.

    Don’t get so caught up in keeping the relationship together that you forget to ask whether you should *want* to be with this guy.

    There’s nothing wrong with walking away from something that’s not working. There’s nothing wrong with realizing you don’t feel the same way about him anymore. Don’t talk yourself into trusting someone when all your instincts are telling you that you shouldn’t.

    He’s not the right guy for you. Go find someone that you trust.

    #741297 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    I think you need to learn how to do a better job of not making a guy your entire world. It’s OK to be sad and miss someone. But when they break up with you for something vague (as in, not a practical problem that can be tangibly fixed — like “we live too far apart”), it’s not a good idea to blindly beg them to take you back. You need to value yourself enough to be able to say, “I miss him, but I am not going to date someone unless I know that they truly want to be with me.” Instead, your message was basically, “He might not want to be with me, but I HAVE TO HAVE HIM BACK no matter what. Who cares if he doesn’t really want to be with me?” Being sad about a breakup doesn’t mean that it was the wrong decision. It just means you are not seeing someone who you used to be close with.

    Relationships can’t be sustained without trust. And you are treating him like some sort of god who gets to determine your value. Instead of wondering your lack of trust is an indication that this relationship isn’t healthy, you’re assuming that his dating choices directly decide whether you are a valuable person or not. I think that you need to let him go and take some time so that the next time you date, you actually pay attention to whether the guy is right for you.

    #741559 Reply
    avatar
    baccalieu

    Yes, he could still be a lying, cheating creep who doesn’t care very much about the LW and simply goes back to her when he doesn’t have anything better……or maybe, just maybe, he realized that he screwed up and is grateful she gave him a second chance (Cue the outrage! How could you say that? Typical man!)
    She says absolutely nothing about how their relationship is now; what his behaviour is like; how he treats her; and oughtn’t that be the most important factor?
    That being said, LW, I do think maybe the best thing is to break up with him. If you can’t learn to trust him and be confident that he really cares about you (especially if you are head over heels in love with him) you are going to make yourself miserable in this relationship and possibly make him miserable too.
    What you definitely should not do is stay with him, not because you now believe he is trustworthy, but because you are afraid you won’t find anyone better. If you dump him, you will be fine. You are young (I’m guessing still in college, or maybe high school) and probably still living at home. Most people find that the relationships they have at that time don’t last (but there are exceptions).
    I agree with the commenter who said that you maybe taking these relationships too seriously. Maybe guard you heart a little bit more and think of this relationship as temporary. If he is treating you well and you are having fun, then why not keep dating him? If he runs off again, then good riddance, no big deal. Granted you may not be able to do this with him (or in any relationship – I get it; some people aren’t made that way) and in that case it is best to break up with him.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 40 total)
Reply To: Can't Seem to Gain Trust for my Boyfriend Again After Getting Back Together
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.