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Dear Wendy

Cheated on boyfriend

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  • #1090537 Reply

    Ok, I’ll try and keep this as short as I can but basically I’ve been in my relationship now on and off for 11 years we’ve had out struggles, a year into the relationship I found he was messaging other girls, this continued to happen on and off throughout our relationship, but I still chose to stay. We then hit a rocky patch (won’t go into detail) but I supported him unfortunately it did end up leading to us splitting for about 10 months, when we did start to work things out again soon after he went to prison, just before this I’d had a kiss with someone else on a night out ( this person is a friends partner and also we were close friends) we definitely had an attraction but I never wanted to act on it, I told my partner the next day I knew I’d crossed a line I felt awful, but then when he for sent to prison shortly after we started chatting again, me and my partner still weren’t great things cane to light I known nothing about but again I still stuck by him but also saw the other person! He made me feel wanted, which was something I’d lacked with my partner off and on but after several months I stopped contact with the other person but we had met, had sex etc on several occasions, I soon realised if I pursued this I’d always wonder what if?? What if when he came out we could of had it all, prison could change him for the better. So after ending it with the other person I waited 2 years, shortly after he was released I found out I was pregnant! Definitely something I’d never expected but we were happy, im now nearly 2 years on I’ve never told him because I know what I did was just awful now, at the time I didn’t know what I wanted, I was taking a huge gamble waiting 3 years for him but I still did and thats my choice. I didn’t have to! We are now the happiest we have ever been and want to get married but I’m burdened by this! I feel its unfair not telling him and marrying him without him knowing the full truth! But at the same time I know no good will come from it, we both have a past, we’ve hurt each other things I know about him and I’m sure there’s things I don’t but for me my conscience just won’t let mee drop it! What do I do? I dont want to lose him but I’m not selfish enough to walk up the aisle knowing I’m lying to him!!

    #1090542 Reply

    Some things are a little unclear here. Your fiance was in prison, you cheated while he was in prison, then he got out of prison, and now you’re pregnant. The timeline isn’t totally clear – is it possible the baby is not his? It makes a pretty big difference with the advice.

    Ultimate though, it comes down to this:

    1) Is the baby absolutely, definitely his?

    2) Are you absolutely sure you’re not going to cheat again, even though through the entirety of your relationship you’ve been unfulfilled?

    3) Are you absolutely sure you want to marry this man, even though through the majority of the past 11 years you’ve been differing shades of miserable and your hopes have been pinned on him coming out of prison a different person?

    4) Has your fiance has come out of prison a totally different person who treats you well *all the time* and you love him even more because he’s a totally different person?

    If the answer to all of those questions is yes, then I think honestly you’re ok either telling him or not telling him. If you do tell him, it should be ok because he’s a decent person now who would understand that you had needs that needed to be met while he was in prison (and honestly he probably cheated on you while in prison). If you don’t tell him, it’s ok because there’s no risk of you doing it again and it’s a thing that can be left in the past.

    If the answer is no to 1 and 2, then you need to have a serious talk with him before getting married. If the answer is no to 3 and 4, you need to call off the wedding.

    #1090552 Reply

    Why did he go to prison?

    #1090554 Reply

    I wouldn’t tell him. But then I wouldn’t have his baby either. NEWSFLASH: All that telling him will do is cause drama. But then I think that is why you really want to do this…

    #1090555 Reply

    He cheated on you. You cheated on him. I fail to see how he exactly has the moral high ground here. And that’s without the prison sentence.

    #1090561 Reply

    Don’t tell him anything. He was in jail, you weren’t married, you were on and off all the time, he cheated on you all the time…
    You don’t owe him anything. This is your privacy, your liberty. Just keep it to yourself. Men often won’t take well such confessions, it only destroys the relationship – or their ego, their vision of you. For what purpose?
    You made your choice, you are a free human being, an adult, you have your agency. Own your choices, take the lessons, and now, please, consider seriously wether it is a good idea to marry him – him, the real man he is. This tendency to fantasise about other men says a lot about your doubts.
    This is the only relevant question here.

    #1090562 Reply

    Hi, I posted this and thought I’d clear some things up, first thank you all for replying its been really helpful,
    1st out daughter is absolutely his, the affair I had happened within the first year he was away, I got pregnant with our daughter just after his release so 2 years after as he was doing a 3 year sentence.
    2nd I absolutely do not like drama, the reason I want to tell him is because since coming out of prison he has been a completely different person, the man I’ve always wanted him to be! He’s been good to me and I feel I owe him the truth before making such a huge commitment to each other, I want my marriage to start with no secrets etc or really what’s the point? I’ll take my vowels seriously…
    3rd he went to prison on a drugs charge long story short hw was in the army went and did a tour in Afghanistan, came back suffered with his mental health and it just spiraled from there, as rubbish as it was him going to prison I think it was the only thing that made him realise things needed to change!
    Again thanks for all your replies I appreciate it ?

    #1090575 Reply

    Ordinarily I would say don’t tell in this sort of situation- really I don’t think you have a lot to reproach yourself for. He was in prison, and you weren’t married, and before he went in your relationship wasn’t ideal. If you think he would understand and it would make you feel better on your wedding day maybe it is worth it. If you had gone to jail for three years it’s fairly possible he might have had a few dalliances in the time after all, so perhaps he will be totally understanding. But if you think telling him might cause you problems now or later on, just don’t. The wedding vows are more about the future than the past really, if you plan to be faithful now I don’t see anything hypocritical in taking vows without confessing all past mistakes.Not that I think it was a mistake necessarily, you were just checking out your options in a tricky situation.

    #1091410 Reply

    Don’t tell him. It has absolutely no bearing on your life now. Happened years ago while he was in *jail*! You say you have a nice life with him now – why on earth would you want to blow that up?

    If you need to confess go see a priest, a therapist, or whisper it into the wind.

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