January 9, 2018 at 11:25 am #735334
What a mess. So my main friend group is made up of three couples. One of the women, B, has been friends with my husband for almost 20 years. S and I are related by marriage.
We all hung out on New Years, drank quite a bit, and stayed up too late.
Yesterday, my other female friend, S, came to me and said she and B were alone at one point on New Years, and B said, ‘You know Mr Freckles and I have been screwing around right? It’s happened continuously when we’re drunk.’ And then panicked and said ‘You can’t tell Freckles!’
So S struggles with this for about a week, and eventually decides that even though she was drunk, and didn’t remember the -exact- wording, she felt like she needed to tell me, which she did.
So I come home, upset, and tell my husband what S said, and ask him about it. He vehemently denies anything has ever happened, has no idea why B would say that, and is now extremely upset about being accused of this.
Normally, we have a very healthy, happy marriage. I am not jealous, and have never snooped through his things. I like when women flirt with him at the bar, and I’ve never worried about him cheating on me, ever.
However. B is going through a tough time right now. She lost her job (through her own actions), and her marriage is in bad shape. She copes by flirting with my husband, which I really hate. I’ve thought about cutting her out just based on this alone (even though my husband didn’t stop it – we all like being flirted with). I don’t know the extent of it, but he’s said a few times he think B wants to sleep with him. I have no details to support this; I only have what he said.
So I think when S brought up these accusations, I actually wondered if they could be true. When I called B after talking to Mr Freckles, she also vehemently denied anything had happened, and said that on New Years, she was talking about the flirting and S must have misunderstood. And she admitted she’d been flirting with my husband for months.
So now, wtf do I do with this.
On one hand, I now completely believe my husband that nothing happened. He’s pretty shaken that I could even consider it, and we’re going to go to counseling.
But the thing I’m most struggling with is what to do about B. She can be such a good friend, and such a fun friend. But she can also be an exhausting friend. She treats her husband like crap. They fight probably 50% of the time we all hang out, which isn’t fun for anyone. She’s constantly jealous of S and I being in the same family, which is stressful for me. And obviously the flirting with my husband is totally unacceptable. I’m wondering if cutting her out is overkill? Am I overreacting? I’m also worried about what would happen, as she has severe chronic depression, a crappy life situation at the moment, and no other local friends.
And now Mr Freckles is pissed at both B and S. B for whatever it was she said, and S for passing along something so serious that she was told while drunk, and didn’t remember with 100% accuracy.
Any words of advice would be appreciated.January 9, 2018 at 11:26 am #735335
sorry this is so long
wtf bumpJanuary 9, 2018 at 11:33 am #735338
I… hate to say this but I’m not convinced nothing has happened. I can’t imagine why she’d say she’s been sleeping with your husband if she hasn’t, or why your other friend would hear “flirting” as “sleeping with.” And their denials sound like exactly what they would say if they WERE hooking up.
Unfortunately because you brought it up, it’s likely he panicked and deleted any evidence, but I’d be on high alert if I were you, and even ask to see his phone.
ETA it’s *posdible* she’s just a crazy mess and said “hooking up” or “screwing around” when it’s really just flirting, but… that’d be very weird.January 9, 2018 at 11:48 am #735340
Yikes. I am glad you’re going to counseling, because that would be my first piece of advice. I am not sure they are sleeping together, but I would be willing to bet some sort of inappropriateness has happened while they were both drunk – make out session or the like…are they ever alone together when you all hang out?
If it were me, I would take a step back from this friend group while you sort out your marriage. You don’t need to make any major decisions about cutting out friends just yet. BUt yeah, Kate is right about being on high alert.
FWIW, if someone, even a good friend/family member, told me my husband cheated on me I would have a REALLY hard time believing them. There would need to be some pretty concrete evidence. I sometimes worry that’s naive of me, but I have absolutely no worries about him straying. The fact that you thought there may be some truth to it is a bit telling…and you said yourself their flirting makes you uneasy. Listen to your gut, freckles!!January 9, 2018 at 11:59 am #735341
History: B flirts with your husband in front of yo. It seems like you believe she would screw around on the husband she treats like crap. Your husband does nothing to stop her flirting—in fact enjoys it—and has commented that B wants to sleep with him.
Now: B claims she fools around with your husband when they’re drunk. Does it seem all that likely she said “flirts with” instead of “fooled around with?” And then panicked and didn’t want you to know about FLIRTING?
I dunno. It doesn’t sound good.January 9, 2018 at 12:08 pm #735345
I am so torn. Like you all said, the fact that I didn’t immediately dismiss it as ridiculous is telling to me. But I’ve always trusted my husband implicitly up until now.
On one hand, I don’t want to be naive, and be the fool whose husband is/was cheating on her with a friend.
On the other hand, if he truly is innocent, I can’t imagine how much it must suck to have your wife doubt you. What does that say about our relationship?January 9, 2018 at 12:11 pm #735346
I think it says at the very least he’s careless with boundaries and appearances, and doesn’t shut down advances, which is a valid concern.January 9, 2018 at 12:15 pm #735348
The fact that you’re being made to look a fool is also a valid concern. Your husband isn’t completely innocent here even if there were nothing physical going on. These are concrete things you have every right to address with him, and explain to him why your trust is shaken.January 9, 2018 at 12:26 pm #735350
Oh, and to answer Lianne’s earlier question, they’re very rarely alone. The only time something could happen is when we all hang out, they drink too much to drive and stay over, and B’s husband and I go to bed first. I don’t think that’s happened more than once or twice, unless they’re sneaking out of bed. And I’m a light sleeper. Mr Freckles and I also share location, and B & her husband live over 40 min away. I’m not really sure when these interactions could have taken place. She said “when we’re drunk”, which means it would most likely be when the group is hanging out, and they stay over. But again, the only time they could be alone is if they’re the only two left up.
I forgot to mention, B sent a follow up email last night to me and S. Among other things, B said to S that S’s response that night was to giggle during the conversation and say she
didn’t think it was that bad [my addition: no idea what ‘it’ is], which would have been a really inappropriate response if B just claimed to be sleeping with or hooking up with Mr Freckles. B closed it off with: “Your response at the time makes far more sense if we were discussing ‘screwing around’ as a flirtation game, not an affair.”
I asked B who said she didn’t remember giggling. But if she did she’s sorry and was just in an awkward spot.
The fact that everyone was drunk makes this so tough to parse through. I have no idea who or what to believe, because they don’t remember anything clearly.January 9, 2018 at 12:34 pm #735351
The fact that you’re being made to look a fool is also a valid concern. Your husband isn’t completely innocent here even if there were nothing physical going on. These are concrete things you have every right to address with him, and explain to him why your trust is shaken.
Agreed. Which is why I’m glad we’ve both agreed to go to counseling to work this out. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out what’s a big deal and what isn’t.January 9, 2018 at 12:37 pm #735353
Wow, this entire situation sounds extremely toxic! I’d distance myself from these friends for a while and figure out/work on your marriage, if you want. It’s good that you’re going to counseling.
I’d also set up boundaries in regard to drinking with these people if you decide to continue friendships.January 9, 2018 at 12:41 pm #735354
drinking boundaries. excellent idea.