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Dear Wendy

Christmas Decisions

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  • #964820 Reply

    SO I am really stuck in what to do and need help.

    Obviously 2020 has been a shite year as it is but there is a bit of light in that where I live we have the opportunity to spend 5 days with friends and family for Christmas but in ‘bubbles’ that consist of 3 households. I don’t live with my family, I live in a different city with my SO. We had always planned to spend Christmas this year with my family as we spent last year with his and then I lost my nan in the summer so going home for Christmas was then way more important. But this bubble thing means that once we pick who we are celebrating with we cannot change it. I want to spend Christmas with my family, I also want to spend Christmas with my SO..BUT.. this year has been hard for everyone and I know that his family would want to spend the festive period with him. I would feel guilty if he came home with me and didn’t see his family and yet the thought of not waking up on Christmas Day with him is killing me. I don’t want to seem like I am making him pick me or his family because being in that situation sucks all types of crap. I know I am going to feel guilty no matter what I choose and someone is going to upset no matter what happens and I’m one of those people who always takes other peoples feelings into consideration and never want to upset them. Does any of that even make sense? Am I just rambling on? I am at a loss. I have been wishing that we were in a lockdown because then it wouldn’t be complicated and that is absolutely horrible to say and I hate myself for it.

    Am I just being entitled, like I am incredibly lucky that I even have people to spend Christmas with when other people don’t but I am having such a stress and get upset just thinking about it all.

    #964896 Reply

    Honestly, I think you need to see a therapist. The language you use — entitled, absolutely horrible, hate myself, killing me — is way over the top.

    The sky will not fall if people aren’t together for one holiday DURING A PANDEMIC. Where I live, we are effectively on lockdown. Over and over and over and over and over, the headlines say not to travel. Over and over. This is a reasonable and completely temporary position to take so that people don’t get sick and die.

    “My nan died and so we want to see each other” is not a valid reason to travel during a pandemic. Sorry. It’s just not. Neither is, “he wants to see his family.” Christ, WE ALL DO. But there is a fatal virus going around.

    If you can’t suck it up for one holiday without an extreme amount of self-hate and guilt, then you do need to see a therapist.

    #964914 Reply

    I agree with FYI, even if you are “allowed” to meet in a bubble, I still think you should stay home. We had a lockdown here and a gradual re-opening. Now another lockdown is looming because people were not following mask and gathering protocols. We have a no gathering at home rule, limited to just immediate family or 2 close contacts,if you live all alone. Businesses are very limited and could close too. So stay home with your boyfriend/partner.
    Also if you decide to go somewhere anyway, go together.
    My ex husband and his first wife spent Christmas apart one year so they could each see their own family and he said it was a terrible decision that they regretted. You are a couple,so act like it.

    #964924 Reply

    Man, I disagree with a lot this week. I think it’s entirely ok to spend a holiday away from your significant other. My husband and I never spend Christmas together. As an only child, he goes to his parents and spends the night. I travel to mine so I can spend it with my nieces and nephew. I mean, we’re together the rest of the year. We celebrate our Christmas on a different day. Usually between Christmas and New Years. No harm, no foul. It works for us.

    So, IMO, if you want to see your family and you all have taken proper precautions, go see your family for Christmas. I’d either do that or both of you decide not to see any family and spend at home just the two of you.

    #964932 Reply

    I don’t know where you live or how bad things are there or what the rules and restrictions are. But I agree that this comes off very dramatic.

    The safest course of action is to stay at home with your boyfriend and see your family another time. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it’s hard for everyone who is choosing to do the holidays differently this year. But it’ll be okay. And it is okay to tell your family and his that you’re sorry, but you don’t feel safe or comfortable visiting them this year.

    But hey, maybe you decide to go see your family anyway. It IS okay to spend the holidays apart. It’s not a big deal and not waking up next to him on Christmas morning shouldn’t “kill” you. If you do go home, you are hopefully watching COVID trends in your areas closely to inform your decision and have a plan in place to mitigate the risks. For example, when I went home in the summer, I holed up at home before my trip, got a COVID test before I hit the road, etc. — I also chose to go when both my state and my parents’ state were under control.

    ETA: My mom invited me and my boyfriend to come spend Christmas with her. I’d like to go home as much as the next person, but am undecided. When I told my boyfriend about the invite, I told him he’s free to opt out even if I opt in. It’s really not a big deal to spend a few nights apart, even on/around the holidays.

    #964985 Reply

    It sounds like you may be in the UK. It might be worth making your choices pragmatically by looking at the rates in different areas, travel distances (hence comfort stops) and making the safest decisions possible.I’m sure whichever family doesn’t get visited will understand and hopefully in the spring everything will change and they can be top of your visit list. OR- just stay home. The more people who are able to make that choice the better for everyone, and hopefully we will all get vaccinated soon, this isn’t forever, it’s probably just a matter of months now.

    #965028 Reply
    Andrea Letsen

    You’re definitely from the UK.

    I do find it weird that you kind of want your partner to compromise for you – but there doesn’t seem to be any wiggle room for you compromising for him. If it’s okay for you to go to your family at Christmas, and there’s no chance of you going to his family, then why is it not okay that he does the same thing with his?

    Your wording is a bit on the extreme side, to a point of sounding almost codependent on him. It should not effect you that much being away from him for a couple of days. Sure you should miss each other, but the feelings you are conveying go quite a bit far beyond that and definitely into the unhealthy end of the scale. As someone else has suggested, perhaps seek professional help with this.

    #965036 Reply

    Stay home, both of you and don’t risk it. And yes, you do come across as way over the top dramatic about all this. Presumedly you’ve been basically with him constantly since the pandemic, would a few days really kill you?

    All that to say, just stay home. It’s one year!
    And do get help for your incessant need to please everyone else. The one person you have a responsibility to make good decisions for and make happy is yourself.

    #965040 Reply

    The safest thing is to stay home, with just your SO. The fairest thing is for both of you to go your parents, if you can’t bear the safest choice of just staying home together, since you both went to his family last Christmas and now it’s your family’s turn — no greater sacrifice than it was for you and your family last Christmas, so no guilt. The worst thing you can do, from both an actual safety and a rule-following standpoint, is to each go to your own families for Christmas, then return to living together. That has expanded the bubble to five households. Conditions aren’t at all good in England now. You would be taking a serious risk to follow that plan. The three family bubble is a sop to public opinion to try to maintain somewhat enforcement of restrictions. It will inevitably lead to a spike. We are close to vaccine availability to immunize a big chunk of the populace. Please, suck it up and hang in with the self-quarantine for a few more months.

    #965156 Reply

    If you are in a place where the hospitals are overflowing and Coronavirus is out of control, just stay home.

    If you’re in a moderately safe region, just have a holiday apart from your boyfriend. It’s not that big of a deal.

    #965366 Reply

    Just stay home. Screw the 5-day bubble. If you both go to separate families for the bubble, then you both need to quarantine from each other when you get home..because, you know, incubation period.

    I am not seeing family this year. We, as a family, will not risk each other’s health. We, as a family, have all been very careful and conscientious throughout…which doesn’t seem to matter as our Uncle died from Covid in the Spring. So, aside from not seeing each other, this will be the first Thanksgiving (then Christmas) without him. And without each other. But that is okay if it increases our chances of future holidays together.

    Stay home together. Skype with your families. Talk on the phone. Plan next year’s holidays, when, hopefully, we all be safer.

    #965379 Reply

    The current wave of Covid cases in UK seems to have peaked, but still very high. The latest daily death count is 695, which based on population size would be just over 4000 Americans, so about twice our current death rate. Families getting together for Christmas will cause a new spike, just as Thanksgiving will in U.S. It isn’t worth it. We can already see the vaccine light at the end of the tunnel. We need to control the deaths, hospitalizations, and cases between now and when significant numbers have been immunized. Covid fatigue is literally a killer. Only 5-6 more weeks to endure this. We’ve already been dealing with it for 9 months. Every time the public lets its guard down, cases and deaths spike again.

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